Urban Outfitters Sparkle and Fade Fuzzy Bodycon Tunic – $19.99

Dear God,

Please, let me never be in a situation where I need to run into Forever 21 and buy a pack of deodorizing body wipes.

Thanks,

Amanda

Forever 21 Deodorizing Body Wipes – $1.80

Fact: I adore GapKids. I can’t wait for the children of America to get fat enough that GapKids starts making clothes in my size. Plain and simple, my devotion to GapKids is of equal intensity as my disdain for The Gap.

However, every company is capable of a misstep here or there, such as selling “I’m too pretty to do homework” t-shirts or creating thongs for 8-year-olds.

Or, say, making red, heart-shaped sunglasses for young girls.

Y’know, run of the mill mistakes that just slip through the cracks.

Lollipop and Sting song sold separately.

GapKids Heart Sunglasses – $9.95

This is a post I wrote before Halloween but never posted. Little did I know that Kim and Kris wouldn’t make it to Halloween Eve.

I have never been a big believer in The Secret, but I am changing my tune right now. Not only do I believe in it, but I’m asking everyone who reads this blog to believe in it, too.

Why?

Because I am hoping to will Kim Kardashian into dressing like Jessica Rabbit for Halloween. I even found her the perfect dress.

I mean, come on. Tell me this isn’t an exact replica of Jessica Rabbit’s sparkly red number.

Unlike the rest of us mere mortals, Kim wouldn’t even need padding. It’s perfect for her.

What makes it even better is that her new husband Kris can participate. After all, where would Jessica Rabbit be without her honey bunny?

Come on, people. Let’s make this happen. If we all put out the positive energy, maybe Kim will suddenly be struck by the urge to go as the greatest cartoon vixen of all time … and drag her husband along for the ride.

La Femme Slinky Sequined Evening Gown – $334

Since General Theodore von Hertzelwagner invented the wave during the Great Pickle War of 1827, there have been few advancements in the field of body language.

We are fortunate enough to live in a time when not one, but two great discoveries in the field of body language have been made within a span of 3 years. One of the few great contemporary minds in the field, Tyra Banks, revolutionized the study of body language when she discovered the smize in 2009. This is, of course, a feat which has gone woefully under-acknowledged – where is her prize, Nobel committee?

As I said, we are living in a time when two great discoveries have been made. The second, and possible the most revolutionary, has been made by the design team of J.Crew.

It has been dubbed “Floobing,” short for “Flirting With Your Boobs,” and it has profoundly changed physical communication.

In the past, if a woman saw a cute guy at the beach, her ability to convey sexual interest was hindered by the ever-present sunglasses worn by most beach-goers. With this bikini top, it becomes easy for a wearer’s cleavage to shoot come-hither glances from beneath long lashes. Your bosoms will be flirtier than Fifi the Slutty Feather Duster.

And she is one flirty bitch.

If you’ve ever felt that your cleavage lacked a certain something – a certain coy girlishness, maybe – then this is the bikini top for you. Just be careful how you use your newfound ability to floob. Researchers still do not know or understand the full extent of the power of the floob. Remember: with great floobing comes great responsibility.

Alternately: This is what happens when you spill Latisse on your favorite bathing suit.

Alternately: Martha’s newest crafts project involves a fun and flirty way to reuse old coffee filters!

J. Crew Ruffle Underwire Bikini Top – $24.99-$34.99