As some of you may have heard, Betsey Johnson LLC is going out of business. What this means is she’s closing her stores and will, from here on out, only be designing accessories. This is a devastating loss to the fashion community – a loss felt particularly acutely here at You Want Me to Wear What?
I am so upset over this news that the only way my sorrow can sufficiently be expressed is by way of an “In Memoriam” montage. So, instead of studying for finals, I created a fitting tribute to the mad scientist of fashion.
How do you know when our existence crosses into “dystopian satire?”
When “Sexy TSA Agent” costumes become commonplace.
I know I’m totally overanalyzing the “Slutty Professional” costume, but at the heart of it, each costume can be summed up as, “I do a very basic, common job … with sexy results!” What works about the costumes is the absurdity involved. Most drill sergeants are not wearing cropped tops and miniskirts. There are few meter maids that will exchange sexual favors for getting out of parking tickets.
But TSA agents do actually have the authority to make people strip. A TSA agent’s job entails groping dozens of strangers an hour. The scanners were inspired by a teenage boy’s dismay upon discovering that the x-ray glasses in the back of MAD Magazine don’t actually see through clothes.
And more importantly: if we’re mining unsexy government jobs for slutty costumes these days, surely there are better options than TSA screener. For instance, what about the sexy sanitation worker, “Junk in the Trunk Trudy?” The trashy court reporter “Rita It Back?” Or my favorite, the slutty DMV employee “Latisha B. ThatsformCYouHavetoFillOutFormDGoToWindowFourPlease.”
“School is a battlefield for your heart. So when Rayanne Graff told me my hair was holding me back, I had to listen. ‘Cause she wasn’t just talking about my hair. She was talking about my life.” – Angela Chase, My So-Called Life
Maybe my extended blogging hiatus has made me go soft, but I can’t be bothered to snark on anything that this model is sporting. Instead, I am completely distracted by her awesome haircut and color.
This is the haircut and color that Angela Chase would have grown into by season three, had the show lasted past season one. Hell, if I had an on-call hair stylist, this is the haircut I would be rocking at this moment.
I have nothing more to add. Congratulations, ModCloth, you’ve found a model whose hair is so awesome that I am unable to snark on either her or what she’s wearing. You win.
ModCloth Luck of the Stylish Headband – $19.99
ModCloth Dapper Dame Hat – $27.99
I have an amazingly supportive, awesome aunt named Carolynne who happens to also be a big fan of this blog. In and of itself, the fact that she reads the blog at all is really flattering. But even cooler is the fact that she when she saw a crime against fashion and common sense, she emailed it to me immediately.
And I, being astonishingly good at procrastinating, sat on it for three months. And then I wrote the above paragraph, and a few other paragraphs. And then I stopped writing it, because it basically broke my brain.
Anyway. As Carolynne said in her email:
Check out the new store that just opened on Robertson Blvd, and check out the prices. Thought I might give you some ammunition.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with Los Angeles shopping destinations, Robertson Blvd is full of high-end, very fashionable stores (here are a bunch of celebrities shopping on Robertson – all it takes to find these images is to run a Google search for “Shopping on Robertson”).
Joining the illustrious ranks of Kitson, Lisa Klein, Alice & Olivia, and 7 For all Mankind is OnePiece, the newest import from Norway, the fashion capital of the Scandinavian Peninsula.
OnePiece provides the comfort of your favorite sweatsuit without the hassle of having to wear separates. It’s a complex product: the OnePiece is the fashion equivalent of reaching ground state, but it still makes the wearer struggle to use the bathroom. If you’ve ever thought, “I love how comfortable a muumuu is, but I feel like wearing it gives me too much dignity,” then OnePiece is the brand for you.
I covered the epically modeled Jumpin’ Jammerz back in November, and while the ideas are similar – onesies for the adult set – the execution couldn’t be more different. If Jumpin’ Jammerz is the Quacker Factory of the adult onesie world, then OnePiece is the American Apparel. That’s not even metaphorical – it seems that American Apparel and OnePiece are both after that coveted “chilly hipster” demographic.
Left: American Apparel’s Flex Fleece Hoody, Right: OnePiece Original
The OnePiece Original is the full body version of the generic American Apparel hoody. I’m pretty sure that this is what American Apparel hoody fanatic Justin Bieber wears to sleep every night.
Correction: this is what American Apparel hoody fanatic Justin Bieber wears to sleep every night – or, at the very least, out in public after shows. Does this image remind anyone else of a little kid who’s coming home early from a sleepover because he was scared? Maybe it’s just that Bieber seems perpetually 9 to me – a perception aided by how proud he is that his snake’s name is Johnson (Selena: when you think back on this relationship in three years and cringe in embarrassment, just remember that it could have been worse – you could have been part of the Duff/Lohan/Carter love triangle).
The OnePiece website suggests that you wear the OnePiece “after work, while studying or recovering from a hangover. This is the ultimate garment for all lazy days.” I’m not sure I agree with their assessment, mostly because I am a firm believer in the idea that a lazy day entails not having to fully undress to use the toilet. I’m just old school like that.
Of course, if you don’t have such rigorous standards for hangover-wear, then the OnePiece might just be for you. According to the website, the OnePiece is made of cotton that is “silky soft, and an absolute dream to wear.” I can’t vouch for this, because I haven’t had the courage to try one on yet. It could be that, after trying a OnePiece, I’ll never again settle for my cumbersome jeans-and-a-tank-top combination.
However, I have a hunch this won’t be the case. No matter how comfortable the clothes, I’m a little too vain to wear something so blatantly unflattering. And trust me, it’s unflattering. Just ask the one man who can wear anything:
Sorry, I just really wanted an excuse to post this picture of what a Teletubby looks like in pajamas.
Let’s try this again.
However, I have a hunch this won’t be the case. No matter how comfortable the clothes, I’m a little too vain to wear something so blatantly unflattering. And trust me, it’s unflattering. Just ask the one man who can wear anything:
If Chuck Bass can’t make a OnePiece look good, no one can. End of story.
Oh, and they’re all $150+, so if your style goal is to look like a giant, lumpy baby with too much disposable income, stop by Robertson for a OnePiece of your very own!
Let’s say you’re a six year old at the grocery store with your mom. As you stand next to her, chattering excitedly about whatever nonsense small children spout, you happen to look at the lady in line ahead of you. Normally you’re not particularly observant – after all, you’re six – but on this particular day, you decide to look up.
It is a decision you will regret for years to come.
You shriek in horror as a vacant specter, something from your darkest nightmares, grins down at you.
You will sleep with the lights on for the next ten years.
Urban Outfitters Truly Madly Deeply Cutout Back Tee – $39
