Luckily, J. Crew is bringing back the 80s in their own way: the 1580s.

versus

I don’t actually dislike this top. It’s very pretty – on the model. But, because it’s all about me (hence the title), yeah, this isn’t going to work.

First of all, because while the ruffled neck styles look very nice on the pretty ladies, on me it will look like the pirate shirt from Seinfeld and an Elizabethan ruff had a chunky, shapeless love-child. Not because I’m chunky and shapeless; it’s just that it will be wildly unflattering in the way that shirts like this are.

And I feel like the model knows this. It kind of looks like she’s smirking, just slightly, in that taunting way, as if to say, “It looks awesome on me, doesn’t it? It kind of makes you want to try it, right? Seeing it on me, you think you might be able to pull it off. Go for it. Give it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen?”

But she knows. She knows that the worst that can happen is I try it on in the shockingly ill-lit dressing rooms*, hate how it looks, and then somehow manage to get stuck in the shirt while trying to get it off of me, leading to my having to jump up and down awkwardly while wiggling out of it, and when that fails, finally asking a sales associate for help. And then I’ll feel obligated to buy something, because it will be one of the rare times that I can actually answer “yes” when they ask,”Did someone help you with this today.” So I’ll either go really cheap and buy a $12 hair clip, or I’ll end up buying these shoes that I love but cannot afford.

Do you see the chaos you have wrought, J. Crew? Do you?

*And, seriously, why are your dressing rooms so badly lit? Neon makes me not want to buy your clothes. It makes me want to stand really close to the mirror and look at my pores.

J. Crew Francis Ruffled Tuxedo Shirt – $89.50
J. Crew Herringbone Francis Cami – $88
J. Crew Silk Frances Tank – $88