Pants Without Logic or Reason

In theory, a pair of high-waist slacks with a thick waistband sound great. I immediately start having delusions of wearing them with a button-down blouse and flats. These are delusions, of course, because in them I am also speaking with Brahmin accents and playing golf with Spencer Tracey.

Luckily, these pants keep me from sinking too far into the fantasy.

I’m missing something here. Right? There’s something I’m just not getting conceptually about these pants. Because, staring at these pants, I can’t think of a single person these would be flattering on. Normally, I will secretly admit to myself that yes, that would look good on someone.

This is not one of those situations. I’m pretty sure that these pants were taken from Julia Sweeny’s “Pat” costume at SNL. Pulled up high on the waist and pleated, these pants create just enough of a bulge to make one unsure of what the wearer is packing.

Oh, and there’s the back!

Elasticized back and a high waist? Yeah, these are Mom Jeans. They’re dressy Mom Jeans, but they’ll still make your ass look flat and your hips look wide. Look at what they’ve done to this poor model. Think of it as her sacrifice, so you can be spared a similar fate.

And that’s just the beginning of my problems with these pants. To elaborate:

1. They’re really high-waisted.
2. They have pleated fronts.
3. They give the model saddle bags (hate the term, but sadly apt).
4. The crotch sits too low.
5. They’re cropped.
6. They have an elasticized back.
7. They give you the dreaded flat ass/big hip combination.
8. For some reason, the buttons make me think of the Cloverfield monster. I do not know why. The Cloverfield monster didn’t have six eyes. But for some reason, when I see those pants, that’s all I can think of. Maybe because these pants have usurped it as the most horrific thing I’ve seen?

The High Powered Pants – $74.99

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