Apparently, my understanding of turtlenecks has been rudimentary at best.

See, I always thought that a person wears a turtleneck in one of two situations. The first being, because it’s cold outside. Fairly straightforward. But if that’s the case, I’m not sure why it’s necessary for a turtleneck to have sleeves that lace up.

Situation two, on the other hand, may shed more light on the situation. Situation two is if one is a character in a sitcom, and you’re trying to hide an ill-placed hickey.

In situation two, you will inevitably be in warm weather, and much humor will be derived from trying to explain why you’re wearing a turtleneck. If that’s the case, lace-up sleeves make perfect sense, as they allow for ventilation and therefore a rudimentary cooling system.

Your demure pose doesn’t fool me, Turtleneck Model. I know what you’ve been up to.

Guess Lace Up Turtleneck – $69