Somtimes, I’m presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.
I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don’t know what to say.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn’t, in the words of my friend Sarah, “look like a scene from Vietnam.”
In case you’re not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she’s been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.
It’s as if she’s saying to us, “Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don’t care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down.”
I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I’ll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward “pony?”
To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y’know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don’t, because I wouldn’t wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.
I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren’t models). Because, if there’s one body part you want to texturize, it’s the butt. Women are always saying to themselves “My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance.” Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I’m so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.
Look, I’m not saying these aren’t original. They are. They’re very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn’t always mean “good.”