Brooklyn’s Mean Streets 5

Every so often, I write a post on a Gossip Girl blog about fashion called You Know You Love Fashion. I, as well as the several funny and talented women who also write on the blog, have often commented on Vanessa’s love of clashing prints and oversized accessories.

This purse would fit right in. No, seriously, I’m pretty sure that an assistant at Forever 21 mugged Vanessa and took her purse while she was en route to her favorite independent coffee shop in Brooklyn. She’d probably make a deep and moving documentary in search of the person who mugged her, not to find the culprit, but so that she can help him or her, since they’re clearly more in need than she is. Then, when she happens upon a Forever 21 and sees this bag, she can write an angry anti-capitalist play for her dramatic writing class – a play so good, it’s published in the New Yorker.

Dan becomes so insanely jealous that he fabricates his own mugging in order to replicate her good fame, but it goes horribly awry, and he’s actually brutally beaten and mugged. He wakes up in a hospital on the upper East Side, and has no memory of Vanessa or his life in Brooklyn. Instead, he thinks that he is a socialite. The doctors warn his family that they must not shatter his illusion, at the risk of damaging his still-fragile brain. His family begrudingly plays along, except for Rufus, who spends the entire season in a snit because he raised his son not to care about materialistic things and status.

Okay, I might have just guessed the entire first half of next season.

Forever 21 Woven Shoulder Tote – $15.80

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5 thoughts on “Brooklyn’s Mean Streets

  1. Reply Kyra May 6, 2010 2:28 pm

    I think this post is one of the best I’ve ever seen you write! Ohmigosh, that was fantastically hilarious, and now I really am looking forward to next season! Also, thanks for the link, I’ll have to go check out that blog now!

  2. Reply Jen May 6, 2010 2:41 pm

    Does this mean that Dan will reject Rufus’ waffles? ‘Cause if so, I’m on board with this plot…

  3. Reply Amanda May 7, 2010 1:00 pm

    @Kyra – Thanks!

    @Jen – Yes, yes he will. Waffles are for paupers. Also, I’m pretty sure that waffles are to Rufus what a poisoned apple is to Snow White’s stepmother. Only, instead of dying when you eat a waffle, you turn into a judgemental dick.

  4. Reply L-A May 17, 2010 7:31 am

    Josh Schwartz is going to be so bummed when he realizes that you’ve spoiled Vanessa and Dan’s season four plotlines. Or maybe he likes your plan better than his and hires you to write it. If the latter happens, please kill off Jenny and Rufus. Maybe they can fall in front of a subway train while trying to rescue Vanessa’s purse.

  5. Reply Amanda May 17, 2010 5:30 pm

    @L-A: It will be revealed that Jenny was behind the real mugging – she wants to regain her status as Queen of the UES yet again.

    So, through a series of very unlikely coincidences – that the writers totally planned and aren’t just trying to explain now that they’ve written themselves into a hole – she paid a couple of hobos to mug and beat Dan, then uses Dan’s newfound socialite status to claw her way back to the top.

    How she knew he would end up with amnesia rather than just massive head trauma – well, she just did. Because Georgina’s behind it. Or something.

    Also, Rufus abandons his children to be on a VH1 reality show about 90s rockstars.

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