I was surprised to find that Bebe’s New Arrivals section had some not awful things. Or, at the very least, I didn’t see any pleather thigh-high spats. For the most part, their new clothes weren’t that bad. Not my style, but not gold jumpsuit bad.

Of course, asking Bebe not to be trashy is kind of like putting me in a room full of cake, then telling me not to eat any of it. I’ll resist for a while, but if you check on me after four hours, I’ll be knee-deep in frosting.

Hey, look! It’s the bodysuit equivalent of my eating an entire birthday cake with my hands after hour five.

Seriously, it’s as if someone on the Bebe design team looked at their summer line, then said, “I’m not seeing enough extraneous straps, people! This is summer, why isn’t more torso exposed?”

I’m guessing the designer was inspired to make this bodysuit after walking behind a woman whose thong was hanging out over her jeans. It reminds me of those sweaters with the built-in collar, except instead of making it easier to look preppy, this makes it easier to look like a ho.

Because this bodysuit didn’t have enough places for skin to awkwardly ooze over. There is no way that the exposed tights will make this better.

I think what makes me saddest, though, is that deep within the American Apparel headquarters, Dov Charney is yelling at his designers, demanding to know why they didn’t think of this first.

Bebe Super Strappy Bodysuit – $49