Sent in by Chloe, using the cool new Talk Back tab:
Subject: Look! A Hideous Bag
I can’t even begin to describe how vile this is. I’m still stunned by the fact it is a LIME GREEN BUMBAG, and apparently en vogue.
Let me clarify one thing: this is not a “bumbag.” This is a fanny pack. I don’t care if it’s just the British version, or if “fanny” has an entirely different slang meaning in the UK (it does). It’s a fanny pack. As far as I’m concerned, calling it anything but a fanny pack is denial, plain and simple. It’s like that failed attempt to rebrand pit bulls as New Yorkies. In the heat of the moment, I’m not going to yell, “Oh my god, that New Yorkie just ate a baby!”
Likewise, if I see someone walking down the street with this, I’m not going to scream, “Why in God’s name are you wearing a bumbag?!”
But I’m getting sidetracked, because the bigger issue – the giant, affixed to your hip like a cancerous growth that carries pocket change and a disposable camera issue – is that TopShop is selling these, which means that someone is trying to make fanny packs happen.
What sort of evil plan have we stumbled upon? Is it the work of Mugatu? A stealth promotional tie-in with Despicable Me? Given that it’s coming from TopShop, are we sure it’s not the Queen making another attempt at reconquering America? Maybe it’s connected to the Aclogalypse. There are so many possibilities, and so few answers.
I do understand the practicality of a fanny pack – everything you need, conveniently located at hip level. I loved my fanny pack back when I was 7 and going to the school fundraising carnival. Of course, I stopped wearing it once I hit 9 and finally saw myself in a full-length mirror. But, don’t get me wrong – the appeal is not lost on me.
You know what else is practical? Socks with sandals. The socks keep the sandals from rubbing your feet wrong and they keep your feet from getting dirty. Practical. But that doesn’t mean you should run around wearing socks and sandals. Likewise, fanny packs.
If you’re still confused, let me make this a little simpler.
There are only three instances where a fanny pack is truly acceptable:
1. You are a tourist at Disney World, because who am I to judge someone in the happiest place on Earth?
2. You are using it to carry a small dog.
3. You are Chuck Norris.
If you are ever confused, feel free to consult this post again for further clarification.