The other day, I had a revelation:
Jennifer Lopez is remarkably boring.
Go with me here. Think about it: her most high-profile relationship was with Ben “Flatline” Affleck. At the height of her fame, the most interesting thing about (other than her butt) her was her backstage rider (not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter). And the most interesting thing about the rider? Her request that everything be white.
Thrilling. It’s a good thing she didn’t demand varying shades of beige, or she’d be downright tyrannical.
Sure, she’s likable enough in movies, but that’s mostly because she plays incredibly dull characters in romantic comedies.
No, sorry. I take that back. She plays incredibly dull characters who gaze dreamily up and to the left.
It does now, because it appears that 2010 marks the triumphant return of Jennifer Lopez to the pop culture landscape. She’s one of the new judges on the 10th season of American Idol, which is totally not like being called in to steer the Titanic once it’s hit the iceberg. But she has a regular job – one where people have to care about her opinions.
If these look familiar, it’s because they’re clearly an homage to the Manolo Blahniks that J.Lo rocked in “Jenny from the Block.”
I think that what amuses me most about stiletto hiking boots is how they take a shoe that has a purpose and render it totally incapable of performing that function. These boots are even less suited for hiking than I am, which is saying something (I’ll tell the story of my Little Rock Hiking Adventure some other time). I imagine these shoes are what Shelly Long’s character from Troop Beverly Hills would bring with her on a camping trip.
And I just thought of Jennifer Lopez’s next project: a remake of Troop Beverly Hills. She’s a rich divorcée who has to lead a group of Girl Scouts from her old neighborhood in Queens. She teaches them how to walk in heels, they teach her how to love.
Jennifer, call me. I totally didn’t mean what I said about your being boring. Really. I swear.
J.Crew Amelia Platform Ankle Boots – $350 (no longer available because I took way too long writing this post)