True story: The other night, I dreamed that I had a baby.
Only, it wasn’t a baby. It was a kitten. Which sounds absolutely adorable and everything, except for the part where in this dream universe, it was completely normal to have a kitten as a baby. The only problem is, should you have a kitten baby, it will end up killing you.
So, in my dream, I was looking at two options: either kill the kitten, or get a few years of adorable kittenhood followed by a painful death at the paws of my kitten child. I don’t know what my final decision was, but I do remember that at some point, I flew a Red Baron-style airplane.
In related news, these exist:
If, in a few years, I am forced to choose between giving birth to a kitten baby that will later murder me or dressing my future normal, non-homicidal children in an Ed Hardy onesie, I’m going to go with the murderous kitten baby.
There’s a slight chance I can convince my kitten baby not to murder me. But when you expose a baby to this level of douchery at such a young age … well, I don’t think there’s any coming back from that. It’s only a matter of time before your toddler is fist punching to the Wiggles.
Should you see an Ed Hardy onesie on someone’s baby registry … don’t panic. Take a deep breath. The adrenaline rush will subside. Find some water or hard liquor to get the taste of bile out of your mouth.
Next, look up the number for your local Child Protective Services. Add it to your speed dial. DO NOT call them yet. It’s possible that the Ed Hardy onesie may be set up as a test, so the parents can better determine who should not be allowed near their newborn. Parents who use this screening method should be commended, not punished.
However, if you see that baby in an Ed Hardy onesie, call Child Protective Services immediately. Feel free to forward this post to both the parents and CPS as evidence of severe parental misconduct.
Remember: 95% of douchery is nurture, not nature.
The other 5% can be prevented by the widespread distribution of these: