Teva’s Step Up 8

Okay, who slipped the acid into the community Nalgene bottle over at Teva?

This is one of those times where the site’s description does the shoes more justice than I ever could:

It’s the classic Teva® Hurricane sport “mandal” re-imagined as a STILETTO. This co-branded effort sees Grey Ant marrying the Teva® velcro-strap styling and grip-sole construction to a bold 4″ stacked heel. They’re calling it the most comfortable, performance high heel on the planet — we call it the most daring mash-up of the decade.

Is there actually a category of footwear known as “performance high heels?” I don’t know if I would brag about being the most comfortable performance heel on the planet since there’s probably not all that much competition.

It’d be like my saying I’m the best Ninja Unicorn in the world – given that there aren’t many Ninja Unicorns out there, it’s not tough to be the best. Even still, the very idea that I’m a ninja or a unicorn is debatable in and of itself. Likewise, I have a very hard time believing that anything with a 4″ stacked heel can qualify as “performance high heels.”

Put your models in as many awkward situations as you’d like, Teva. I’m still not convinced.

This is anti-fashion at its purest. And so good when paired with socks.

Okay, I’m sorry, WHAT??

No, I didn’t need a picture, thank you. I’ve gone on enough camping trips to have the unholy pairing of the Teva and sock indelibly scarred in my memory.

This has to be a joke. That’s the only reasonable explanation for the suggestion that one wear socks with Teva stilettos. “Tevas and socks” has long been one of the greatest punchlines in fashion humor. It’s such a widely known fashion faux pas you can find it in the Urban Dictionary:

Tevas With Socks: The most offensive and heinous combination of footwear imaginable. Fashion suicide.

It’s almost cruel to suggest such a pairing in a product description, lest an impressionable hippie be swayed toward the sock side.

I often ask the question of “Who would buy this?”, but I think the answer is obvious in this case. I know how hard it is to dress for a date when you’re just going to dinner and a movie; I can’t imagine how hard it must be to find a cute outfit suitable for a ten mile hike and a four hour long Phish concert .

*Not recommended for actual hiking, gardening, mountain climbing, or Phish concerts : )

Okay, I’m officially confused. If you can’t wear these for hiking, gardening, mountain climbing, or to a Phish concert … where can you wear these?

It’s so hard to find shoes that work with a dead bunny-fox hybrid costume. If only this girl had known she could wear 4″ stiletto Tevas with her outfit – maybe then she wouldn’t be so angry.

Of course, I’m not positive, but it does look like the shoes have suede uppers. If that’s the case then I have no idea who would buy these. If you can’t wear them hiking, gardening, mountain climbing, to a Phish concert or to a fur protest … well, what else do hippies do? These seem a little fancy for sitting in your dorm room smoking pot and listening to Led Zepplin.

Grey Ant & Teva Stiletto – $330

Speaking of footwear, have you entered the 1,500 Fan Giveaway? You should, there is an awesome pair of slippers and a nice manicure set at stake.

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8 thoughts on “Teva’s Step Up

  1. Reply Nicole Jurkowski Dec 16, 2010 6:06 pm

    Bahahahah! I’m so glad I sent this to it. Such an appropriately scathing review! =D

  2. Reply Nicole Jurkowski Dec 16, 2010 6:07 pm

    And by “to it” I mean “to you”. Still laughing too hard about the sandals…

  3. Reply Amanda Dec 17, 2010 3:12 am

    Thanks! These are a spectacular find. Thanks for sending them along.

  4. Reply Arnold Bath Jul 11, 2013 5:46 am

    Company Memo

    To: Teva Staff

    From: The Management

    Re: Getting a handle on this whole woolly boot-sock fetish thing

    Seriously people this is just completely out of control.

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