Bad Moon Rising

I watched “An American Werewolf in London” the other day, so I consider myself to now be an expert in all things Canis. As such, I feel I am qualified to talk about a growing problem in today’s world: the glamourization of werewolf/human relationships.

For centuries, werewolves were feared. And with good reason: unlike actual wolves, they prefer to feed on humans. Keep in mind, there are very few animals in the world that will hunt a human – we’re very, very hard to catch. Also, we’re often equipped with a large blunt object or a gun. As a result, only the best hunters in the world, like the jaguar or the narwhal, will actually attack us unprovoked.

Werewolves are another exception to this rule. Why? Because werewolves are evil.

In recent years, this little detail has been whitewashed by what I can only assume is a werewolf-led conspiracy. Before, werewolves were horrible creatures that roamed the moors, hunting for lost backpackers to maul. Now, werewolves are cuddle buddies who console you when your emotionally abusive vampire boyfriend goes missing.

Obviously, this is a very dangerous precedent to set for America’s youth. We’re not only allowing human/werewolf relationships, we’re tacitly endorsing them.

And, in classic capitalist fashion, we’re cashing in on the phenomenon.

Yes, if there’s one thing you want to share with the world, it’s that you are dating a guy who can’t help but attack you and your very, very expensive shirt. In fact, I sort of suspect that this shirt is actually anti-werewolf. After all, if you were trying to promote human/werewolf relationships, wouldn’t you design a shirt that’s a little less … maul-y? Maybe one that says something like, “I am in a completely functional relationship with a man who occasionally turns into a blood-thirsty creature, but he swears he almost never pictures me as a giant t-bone steak”?

Except that last part is a lie. He totally does picture you as a giant t-bone steak. Why? Because you are food.

It’s the equivalent of if I started dating a strip of bacon – no matter how many times I say I don’t see it as food, when I go on vacation to Hawaii with that sucker and it butters itself up and lies out to get a tan, you can bet I’m going to start looking for maple syrup to dip it in.

In sum: werewolves are not good boyfriend material unless you like to be eaten alive. Also, bacon is delicious when dipped in maple syrup.

Wild Fox My Boyfriend is a Werewolf Tee – $91.37 (was $129.30)

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