There are a lot of things you can’t do when you’re pregnant. I’d heard a few, but while researching this post, I learned all sorts of rules I’d never heard before. While pregnant, you can’t take a bath, do illegal drugs, expose yourself to pesticides, drink alcohol, or be around pet reptiles. You can’t eat soft cheeses, sushi, smoked salmon, hot dogs, peanut butter, preservatives – apparently, when you agree to hatch a child, you sign away your rights to all things delicious or fun.
I didn’t see “Wearing Spanx” on any of the lists, but I’m guessing this is one of those “Spirit of the Law” situations.
Look, I get that pregnant women want to look good in their clothes. It’s a rough time – you’re gaining weight, your shoes no longer fit, and your stomach does this creepy thing where it defies gravity and bulges outward without any discernible support apparatus.
I also understand that Spanx are commonplace these days. You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone on the red carpet who’s not secretly trying to figure out if going to the bathroom is worth struggling with their full-body spandex prison.
But really, Pregnant Women of America? Really? You fastidiously avoid hot dogs while pregnant, but squeezing your fetus factory into sausage casing seems like a good idea?
Granted, the front panel is soft and non-constricting, so it won’t actually flatten your bulbous stomach. However, if you’ve ever worn a pair of Spanx, you’re probably aware that one of the ways they help smooth your body is by restricting blood flow to all extremities and reducing that unsightly “retaining vital fluids” look. So, that can’t be particularly good for you or your offspring.
But the biggest issue is that, by all accounts, pregnancy is really uncomfortable. You know what else is really uncomfortable? Wearing Spanx.
I might change my mind one day when I finally decide to incubate, but from the outside looking in, my rule of thumb is: if you can’t touch your feet, you shouldn’t try to wiggle into an industrial-strength pair of control tops.
If nothing else, it will be really embarrassing when you lose your balance and try to explain to your significant other why you’re lying on your back with spandex prisons halfway up your thighs.
And, for the record, the mental image I had while writing that last paragraph was of a white seal trying to wriggle into a pair of Spanx. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t find a way to work that into the post and felt the need to share that with all of you.