After my first Quacker Factory post, I promised myself that I would check in regularly with those wizards of bedazzling. But like so many of my promises, I got distracted by a shiny object and totally forgot about it.
And oh, what a mistake that was. I nearly missed this classic Quacker Factory offering.
Nothing says “holiday” like…flamingoes? Well, why not–especially when they’re so beautifully embroidered and embellished? Reindeer, you’ve got major competition.
I wouldn’t normally associate flamingos with Christmas, but it does make a lot of sense.
Let’s be honest: caribou were not meant to take flight. There are a lot of narrative leaps in the legend of Santa Claus. He’s apparently an ageless immortal (unless you consider The Santa Clause to be cannon). He doesn’t have a job but somehow manages to fund an entire toy factory in which he produces name-brand toys like Barbie and Matchbox without ever being sued by Mattel for copyright infringement. He oversees a legion of elves who are most likely underpaid and non-unionized because they operate outside the bounds of any governments. Honestly, I’m not entirely convinced that he’s not a Wal-mart supplier.
He somehow manages to circumnavigate the globe in 24 hours in a sleigh that carries enough toys for millions of children. He then stops on nearly every block to slide down chimneys to deposit presents he has generously decided to just give away. Once he’s deposited the presents, he then manages to airlift himself back up the chimney and on to the next house. Quite frankly, I think the best explanation for that one is Santa invented Floo Powder.
But, of all the leaps, the hardest one for me to buy is that reindeer were the best option to pull Santa’s sleigh. They don’t have any airlift mechanisms like say, wings. No, they just magically levitate and haul a mobile toy store driven by a fat man using what … Christmas cheer?
Contrast that with flamingos, which are, y’know, birds. By all logic, flamingos should be the ones pulling Santa’s sleigh. They can reach max speeds with their freakish spider legs, then they can take flight with their somewhat proportionate to body size wings. Sure, they’re not great at flying, but I do have to wonder: is it that they’re not great at flying, or have flamingos never been given the right motivation?
Still not following my reasoning? Watch these opening credits from Miami Vice* and imagine Santa driving this majestic flock forward.
Tell me that Santa wouldn’t look like a bad ass gripping the reins and yelling, “On Feathers! On Flapper! On Hatcher and Spindly! On Beaky! On Pinky! On Squacker and Moulty!”
The only hitch in this plan is that these birds require warmer temperatures to survive. Santa would have no choice but to relocate his workshop to something a little closer to the equator. If nothing else, I’m sure that the elves would appreciate it – they may not be allowed to take union-mandated breaks, but at least they’ll be able to look at white sand beaches while they work 18-hour shifts in Santa’s Sweat Shop.