Knuckle Ball

I’m going to drop some knowledge on you guys. Sure, it seems easy to churn out brilliant and witty posts five days a week, but the truth is, writing a post is an exhausting and lengthy process. So please, won’t you join me on this journey through the creation of a You Want Me to Wear What post?

First, I spend three to five hours procrastinating. This can include anything from baking cookies to watching a What Not to Wear/Say Yes to the Dress double-feature. Despite being 25, I may watch the Disney Channel. I will definitely watch an episode of No Reservations. Often, I will fall asleep halfway through an episode,  then wake up and have to restart it. I don’t know why I fall asleep whenever I watch No Reservations – Anthony Bourdain may quite possibly be my favorite person, ever. But without fail, after 15 minutes, I’m unconscious and drooling, having very strange dreams about going to foreign lands with my best friend, a dry and slightly hateful celebrity chef.

Yes, that tangent was vitally important to this post. It’s all part of the art.

Eventually, I realize I only have two hours before I have to go to trivia (I host trivia at bars around LA). My frantic search to find something to write about begins. If I’m lucky, I’ll find something immediately. If not, I will promptly begin to hyperventilate and panic, convinced that I will never find anything to blog about ever again, and this blog will languish, untouched, a relic of the internet like a MySpace page.

Then, if I’m lucky – if I’m really, truly lucky – I will check the ShopBop new arrivals section and find these shorts.

Upon initial viewing, I marvel at how unflattering they are. I prepare to write an entire post about how they give the model a serious case of faux-moose knuckle. Because, well, they do. Those are some damn unflattering shorts.

But then, I stop myself. “Maybe I’m being unfair,” I think. “After all, this could just be a bad angle. It’s not the first time a trick of the light has made an otherwise harmless item look really terrible. I should do more research before jumping to such a hasty conclusion.”

Fortunately, ShopBop has styled the shorts with a shirt, so there are more chances to go moose hunting.

I find a second picture.

I see it immediately. It’s unavoidable, really. It’s staring back at me, taunting me, daring me to find a reasonable explanation for its presence. “Ok, she still has the moose knuckle, but her hands are in her pockets. There’s no way to tell if  it’s the shorts or from her hands.”

So I return to work, looking through the photos for any proof that these shorts do not create the crotchular equivalent of a Magic Eye puzzle. If I can find another picture with the model standing normally, then I will have definitive proof one way or the other.

Okay then.

Hey guys, if you love wearing shorts but wish they gave you a certain je ne sais quois achievable only with ambiguous genitalia, have I got pair for you!

… a pair of shorts, that is. Or is it? Yes, the appearance of a rogue set of moose knuckles can be yours for the low, low price of $685. Feel a renewed confidence whenever you enter a room. Stand proud as people nearby to double-takes as they see you. Be secure in the knowledge that not only are your shorts cutting edge, but so is your groin.

DSquared Jackie Foulard Shorts – $685

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