Public Service Announcement #14: Body Lotion 1

As I first reported in Public Service Announcement #4, the Ed Hardy line includes perfumes and colognes. Given that they’ve been in the eau du douche market for some time now, it’s not shocking that the line has been expanded to include scented lotion. Nor is it shocking that the scented lotion has glitter in it – after all, you can’t really expect Snookie to remember to apply lotion, perfume and body glitter.

No, the reason this lotion warrants a post actually has very little to do with the product itself, and everything to do with how Macy*s has chosen to market it. Just to be clear, I did not in any way edit or modify this description.

From the Macy*s website:

The brilliant, almost blinding scent of the Ed Hardy tattoo artinspired this super vibrant and sexy fragrance. An explosion of fruits opens the accent including Tropical Mango, Wild Strawberries and Ruby Red Grapefruit vintage floralcy with a Rock’n Roll Edge brings a dark eeriness including Black Freesia. This contrast of floralcy merges into a background of Hot Skin and Warm Soulful Amber. It is a delicious and very addictive fragrance statement.

There’s a lot to talk about here, so let’s go through it line by line, Lit Class-style.

The brilliant, almost blinding scent of the Ed Hardy tattoo artinspired this super vibrant and sexy fragrance.”

I have always said that Ed Hardy was dangerous, but Macy*s has finally confirmed it: Ed Hardy may cause blindness.

I didn’t realize that the tattoos were scented, though. Next time I see someone with an Ed Hardy tattoo, I’ll have to see if their pinup girl with devil horns is actually a scratch-and-sniff. I bet it smells like strawberries and desperation.

“An explosion of fruits opens the accent including Tropical Mango, Wild Strawberries and Ruby Red Grapefruit vintage floralcy with a Rock’n Roll Edge brings a dark eeriness including Black Freesia.”

Do you know how hard it was for me to not add a period somewhere in this sentence? I know my grammar isn’t perfect on this blog (my bf often serves as copy editor and we have lengthy arguments over my blatant misuse of commas), but this is atrocious. I want to send it to Reasoning With Vampires so it can be properly dissected.

In spite of its tenuous grip on basic grammar, this sentence answers the unasked question of “How is a scent blinding?” Apparently, it blinds by way of exploding fruit.

I don’t know what “vintage floralcy” is, but the word “Floralcy” sounds like something out of The Jabberwocky. Seriously, read the poem and replace any adjective with “floralcy.” It works.

And no, “floralcy” wasn’t a typo. That’s a word they meant to use.

This contrast of floralcy merges into a background of Hot Skin and Warm Soulful Amber.

See?

But let’s deal with the bigger issue at hand: OH MY GOD. ONE OF THE SCENTS IS HOT SKIN.

Whose brilliant idea was that? Who was like, “Hey guys, you know what smells amazing? Sweaty guido. We should totally try to bottle that unique blend of Axe, hair gel, and body odor – you know, the one you get after the Gym and Tan, but before the Laundry?”

And could they find a less appealing way to phrase it? It took me several minutes of re-reading before I decided to use that dialogue, rather than the one I originally wrote: “Hey guys, you know what smells amazing? Roast suckling pig. But that scent is kind of hard to capture, so let’s try to imitate hot human skin instead.”

Were they going for pheromones? Because if that’s what they were going for, they should have said it. “Merges into a background of human pheromones” sounds like something an alien would say, but it’s still less creepy than “hot skin.”

It is a delicious and very addictive fragrance statement.

Yes, once you get a taste for floralcy, exploding fruits, and human flesh, it’s hard to go back.

It’s rare that a product carries a warning regarding its addictive properties. The fact that they voluntarily included a warning suggests to me that, much like meth, it only takes one hit to get you hooked.  You might apply it once because you’re out of your usual lotion, but before long, you’ll be frantically running through Macy*s for another fix, hoping to recapture that exploding vintage floralcy high.

You don’t care that your lotion may cause blindness in others. You don’t care that floralcy isn’t a word, or that there’s no such thing as Black Freesia. You’re chasing the dragon,and it’s an ugly one.

Consider yourselves warned.

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One comment on “Public Service Announcement #14: Body Lotion

  1. Reply AK May 4, 2011 7:57 pm

    Consider: This is product is human-skin-scented, yet intended for application to skin. My skin already smells like human skin, because I’m human. What HUMAN would need to smell more like a human? There’s only one possible target market for a product like this.

    That’s right: aliens.

    Aliens with horrible taste in graphic design.

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