It Shant Be 5

These were sent to me by Jes Christenberry, by way of her boyfriend. Said Jes, “I don’t know how he found them, all I know is that they are pretty terrible.” She included this exchange:

Boyfriend: bb do you need pants? Cause I found a pair for you!

Me: What is this I don’t even.

“What is this I don’t even” is now in the running for “Official Slogan of You Want Me To Wear What.” It is the perfect verbal expression of what normally elicits stunned silence or frantic arm waving paired with temporary aphasia – which was my less-than-eloquent response to her submission.

Behold, the Floral Chiffon Pants.

Yes, shorts with a pant-length chiffon overlay, styled with a tube top for maximum wearability. These pants are perfect for those times when your legs feel like doing the Dance of the Seven Veils, or if they’re feeling a little camera-shy.

This style is apparently a Thing right now, as evidenced by Blake Lively’s Green Lantern premiere dress. Whenever I see it, I’m always reminded of the Bugs Bunny cartoon where he tricks Elmer Fudd by wearing a pink veil (although I can’t find a screenshot anywhere, which makes me think I imagined that episode – please, someone, confirm this for me).

One of the many things that are striking about these shants is how gigantic the shorts are. At first I thought they were Bermuda shorts, but then I saw that the hem fell well above the model’s knee. Upon closer examination, I realized that these shorts seem gigantic because they’re high waisted – and, it should be noted, they’re high waisted in that “low rise hasn’t been discovered yet” way, from the dark ages when waists hit at the belly button. Seriously, those are some big, early-90s looking shorts.

Oh yes, that’s a flattering look. I’m pretty sure that those are my old camp uniform shorts. On the one hand, I want to congratulate Forever 21 for their ingenuity. Of course, those shorts weren’t flattering then and they’re not flattering now. It’s not exactly shocking that a chiffon overlay doesn’t make them any better.

Also gigantic is the pants portion of this sartorial chimera. These shants have huge pant legs. The model could fit both her legs into one. I guess a wide leg is required for a style like this – you can’t exactly have skinny legged shants – but these legs seems a little excessive. I just can’t imagine walking in these with all that extra fabric flopping around with each step. They remind me of something worn around house by eccentric rich old women, which would work if these were being sold on QVC, since eccentric rich old women aren’t known for shopping at Forever 21.

I can’t actually picture these in action, to the point where I’m almost tempted to order them (for science!). The only problem is, I don’t want to tacitly endorse these shants through purchasing power.

So. New mission, guys: If you see these at a Forever 21, try them on and send me a photo or video. I need to know what these look like in real life.

On an unrelated note, I’d like to think that the model’s right hand is lower than the left because it’s weighted down by those gigantic bangles. It looks like they’re concealing a house arrest monitor or something.

Actually, that’s brilliant: house arrest monitors embellished or disguised as jewelry. With all the celebrities who end up in legal trouble, this could be a big seller. First Lindsay Lohan wears one, suddenly they’ll start showing up as a must-have accessory in In Style. The slogan can be “Lock-down never looked so good.” Alternately, “Just because you can’t leave your house doesn’t mean you should give your style a rest.”

Further googling shows that Chanel’s already been there, done that. Whatever, I’m not afraid of Karl Lagerfeld. Okay, I’m a little afraid of him, but in that “Mommy, there’s a monster under my bed and he’s silently judging me” kind of way.

Forever 21 Floral Chiffon Pant – $19.80

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