Disco Down 3

Another reader contribution from over a month ago, because my turnaround time sucks. So it is with much delay that I post this find from Nicole. As she said,

Some guy-clothing love, or … not love. More like ridicule. Who wears these?! In a parade, sure, but … seriously, guys.

I am thrilled to say that for once, I can actually answer a reader’s question. Who wears these shorts? The answer is simple.

Hipsters and the bros who love them.

Yes, these shorts (and their matching pants and jacket) represent one of the commonalities between bros and hipsters. In truth, the two species are not all that dissimilar. They both love beer, groom excessively before going out, and get great joy out of wearing things ironically (although bros don’t realize they’re being ironic – they just think their Cookie Monster hat is funny because it’s for kids, bro). I can’t prove it, but I think that if you gave a hipster steroids, he would turn into a bro.

So when Betabrand describes their shorts, here’s how they do it:

Betabrand knows that not all sports take themselves super-seriously. And not all athletes are steel-muscled mutants who require extreme performance clothing made from space-age polymers, the kind designed to repel a wolverine attack in a sub-zero hurricane.

See? Perfect for hipsters and bros. Hipsters love not being “steel-muscled mutants.” No matter how widespread their influence, hipsters love seeing themselves as the scrappy, runty underdog. And there’s nothing a hipster loves more than the random, slightly hyperbolic, pairing of nouns. The only thing that could make this description more hipstery is if they were zombie wolverines attacking a sub-zero hurricane made out of bacon.

The wolverine line appeals to bros as well, because as I mentioned before, even if they don’t realize it’s ironic, they understand that incongruous and hyperbolic things are funny. Also, wolverines are totally awesome, bro.

Except when they are chasing you because they are drawn to your shiny shorts.

As if that weren’t proof enough, check out some of the highlights from a section of the page titled, “Are Disco Sport Shorts the Right Shorts For You?” The questions alternate between hipster and bro.

ARE DISCO SPORT SHORTS THE RIGHT SHORTS FOR YOU?
If you answer “yes” to any of the following questions, then yes they are!

  • Does the name of your softball team involve a high level of sexual innuendo?
  • Are the end zones of your flag-football field marked by beer bottles and articles of clothing?
  • Are your Ultimate games often interrupted by wandering children, dogs, or hobos?
  • Do the perils of your soccer matches include pantsing, mooning, and hanging brain?

Maybe it’s an LA thing, but it seems like there are several hipster softball teams terrorizing Little League fields these days. I’m not sure what an “Ultimate” game is, but I’m guessing it’s “Ultimate Frisbee,” which was played by both  hippies and proto-hipsters. So that covers the hipster demographic about as succinctly as possible without asking questions like, “Were you totally into Mumford and Sons before they sold out?” and “Do you buy women’s pants because men’s aren’t tight enough?”

As for the bros, I think the the flag-football and soccer questions cover them. An end zone marked by beer bottles and clothing sounds like a scene straight out of an Abercombie catalogue. The soccer question … well, is it just me, or is everything bros do tinged with a slight air of homoeroticism? Because a soccer game involving “pantsing, mooning, and hanging brain” sounds like the right level of awkwardly homoerotic subtext for an activity involving a passel of bros.

“Hey, bro. I was just hanging here with my shiny pants, vintage car, and girlfriend who’s a Bjork impersonator.
Y’know, as one does.”

Reading the descriptions of other items in the “Disco” family, the site is definitely aiming more for hipsters than for bros – the tongue-in-cheek absurdism is reminiscent of Groupon’s “Voice”. Even still, it’s safe to say that the product descriptions will lure in unsuspecting bros, much like a tuna trawler inadvertently catching a pod of dolphins.

Of course, should any potential buyer see this photo while surfing the site, they are under a strict moral obligation to not buy those shorts.

Normally I don’t care if people buy a product, but this picture should dissuade anyone with a soul from buying any of the Disco items. I don’t even have that much of a problem with absurdly shiny clothing. I do, however, have a problem with this photo.

If you see this photo and still buy one of the Disco products, you are tacitly endorsing tooliness. Look at that face. That expression. You know what it’s saying?

One small step for tools. One giant leap for utter douchery.”

Betabrand Discolab Shorts, Pants, Jacket and Hoodie – $60-$225

Edited to add: When I saw my dad the day after posting this, he said: “That was a funny post yesterday. But why didn’t you comment on the guy’s bulge?”

My dad just made this post 89% more awesome.

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