As you’ve probably heard, the upcoming fourth season of Jersey Shore will be set in Italy, because MTV feels that Italy hasn’t been sufficiently punished for World War II. Alternately, MTV is still fighting the war and has resorted to biological and chemical warfare.
Either way, MTV’s plans backfired. The sentient petri dishes known as the Jersey Shore cast took Italy by storm. Italians eagerly embraced Snooki’s suggestion of pickle-flavored gelato. Women everywhere clamored for JWoww’s now defunct line of tastefully trashy evening wear. Silvio Berlusconi hired The Situation under the title of Chief Economic and Bunga Bunga Advisor.
Yes, it’s safe to say that MTV’s plans to crush Italy with air punching and smushing failed. Never was this failure more striking than with the shocking news from the Vatican that Pope Benedict XVI himself had requested an audience with our most beloved ugly Americans.
For weeks, this secretive meeting spawned questions and heated debate. What would the Pope have to say to our intrepid band of guidos and guidettes? Vatican experts were split among three schools of thought:
- The Situation had persuaded the Pope to rethink his stance on premarital sex.
- The Pope was suggesting an early and expedited canonization for all of them.
- The Pope also felt that Ronnie was dogging Sammi, and wished to convey this opinion to them directly.
It has now been revealed that all the experts were wrong. The real reason for the meeting was simply business: the Pope wished to discuss a celebrity collaboration between the Church and the cast of the Jersey Shore. In his spare time he had worked on some sketches, and he even had a solid buyer for the line. All he needed was the cast’s okay, and they could move forward with this new joint venture.
Never a group known for saying “no” to anything, the cast eagerly agreed, and a deal was struck between the Jersey Shore cast, the Vatican, and Forever 21.
According to Vatican insiders, this collaboration stems from the Pope’s concern that the Church is not as relevant as it once once, as evidenced by the fact that crucifixes haven’t been edgy since the 1980s. Others believe this confirms long-standing suspicions that the Pope was once rejected from FIDM and lends credence to the rumors that he attempted to redesign the Pontiffs’ robes with leopard lining to give it more “pop.” Either way, one thing is for sure: this collaboration marks the beginning of a beautiful, tacky, genital wart-ridden friendship.