Thanks to the hard work and focus of my boyfriend’s coworkers, I am thrilled to share the latest in ravewear (according to a video posted by AMI Clubwear).
First and foremost: people still go to raves? Is this a tie in with The 90s Are All That? Because I thought raves stopped being A Thing when people converted abandoned warehouses to fallout shelters in anticipation of Y2K.
That being said, I am extremely thankful for the continued existence of raves. Without raves, this video wouldn’t exist, and I would have had to spend my day doing something other than watching it on a loop. Plus, without raves grown women wouldn’t have a perfectly reasonable excuse for wearing Hello Kitty gear.
I had no idea that Hello Kitty (or “HK,” as she’s been dubbed by those in the know) was huge in the rave scene. I feel like this video should be accompanied by a “The More You Know” shooting star. I don’t really understand why HK would be so popular in the raving community, but then again, as a general rule, the popularity of HK is lost on me. I really don’t get why she’s appealing when she’s little more than a white blob wearing a bow, devoid of personality or defining characteristics.
But this isn’t about whether or not Hello Kitty’s widespread popularity is warranted or logical. No, this is about how to dress for a rave, and apparently, Hello Kitty gear and hot pants, paired with white knee high boots, are considered entry-level ravewear.
And don’t worry, Blonde Rave Lady isn’t doing that peace sign thing which has become ubiquitous in group photos of Asian girls. No, she’s letting us know that it’s time to move on to outfit number two. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Okay, so the Hello Kitty tank and sequined hot pants are kind of garish, but they’re not offensively bad. What’s the big deal?”
Ah yes, the always versatile furry hood/bikini top combination. As the Blonde Furry One says, “it may seem a little outrageous to you, but it’s definitely for our raving veterans – or someone that wants to go all out.” I think that last part goes without saying. After all, if wearing a lace-front bikini top and furry ears weren’t going all out, you’d be able to buy matching sets at Target.
Of course, if you’re a little nervous about looking like the lovechild of a Grateful Dead bear and a mudflap girl, you can always pair up with a friend. Because, as everyone knows, you will always look less crazy if you get a friend to dress up in a matching outfit.
As Laker Bear says, you don’t have to limit your outfit to raves. She suggests you wear it “as like, a Care Bear outfit,” but I think it has even greater potential. These hoods could come in hand in snowy climates to keep your head warm. For a less practical but more entertaining use, I would suggest sneaking up on unsuspecting pedestrians, tapping them on the shoulder, then giving them a wide, unblinking smile when they turn around. Alternately, chasing strangers down the street while growling.
In case you ever wondered whether or not drugs are a requirement at raves: these girls are wearing fuzzy bear hoods and lights on their skirts. I’m pretty sure that drugs are the only way these outfits make sense.
The third outfit is your standard American Apparel-meets-exotic-dancer fare: a silver triangle bikini top, a pleather waist cincher, and silver leggings with lace inserts up the sides. Looking at this outfit, I can’t help but think of how foul it will be after an Ecstasy-fueled all night dance party. I’m guessing that silver spandex leggings don’t breathe well to begin with. After a rave, you could probably find new forms of intelligent life in them. If nothing else, you’ll probably have enough yeast to start your own bakery.
After so many fever dream-induced outfits, the final “look” is a little disappointing. It’s described as “rave gone sexy,” which is definitely selling that bikini top/micro mini combo short. In comparison to that outfit, this dress is a level of conservative on par with “Politician’s wife at her husband’s press conference following a sex and corruption scandal.”
It’s almost disappointing to end the video with this outfit, because it’s so very anticlimactic. I’m pretty sure that at least two of my Barbies wore this very dress while performing with their Spice Girls cover band. I was really expecting more out of look number four – something as deeply bizarre as fuzzy hoods with light-up ears.
Basically, I was hoping for the Steve Buscemi dress.
Yes, that is a real thing, no, it is not available at AMI Clubwear (it’s by the temporarily closed, always insane Black Milk Clothing). But it should be available at AMI Clubwear, because there’s nothing that screams “rave” like the sleep serial killer eyes of Mr. Pink himself. Some might argue that a dress with a face on it might give fellow ravers some bad trips, but really, I don’t think it’s any more terrifying than a light-up, multicolored bear wearing a person’s face.
Oh yeah. I’m calling it right now – bear outfit is way creepier. That’s some Frank the Bunny shit right there.
For your viewing pleasure, the whole video (if nothing else, you have to watch the dancing at 3:09. The brunette starts doing a hoe-down and it is amazing):