More On The Gap 3

When I was a kid, I was terrified of becoming an adult. I vehemently insisted I would never have kids or learn to drive a car. I was going to adopt, live at home, and either bike or have my parents drive me places. As you can imagine, this filled my parents with great hope for my future.

I announced my intentions at the age of six and explained my flawless reasoning to my parents: when you’re an adult, you have to stop watching cartoons and start watching the news. Worse yet, when you become an adult, you don’t want to watch cartoons.

20 years later, I have yet to find the “Grown-up Switch” which makes me suddenly crave the steady gaze and fuzzy jawline of Wolf Blitzer in lieu of a good episode of Angry Beavers. No one has forced me to switch from Doug to Anderson Cooper.* Being an adult isn’t always fun – for instance, bills and having to make myself dinner – but it’s definitely not as miserable I expected when I was six.

Why am I sharing this anecdote? Yes, it’s more evidence of what an adorably precocious child I was, but there’s actually a point to this story: being an adult isn’t a joyless existence. It can be serious business, but it’s not a punishment.

Of course, you couldn’t tell that from looking at The Gap’s fall offerings.

Oh, The Gap. I’m pretty sure I have devoted more time and energy to making your brand work than you have. Sure, you made a feeble attempt at righting wrongs by firing neutral palette devotee Patrick Robinson, but looking at your fall line … it’s  completely what I would expect from the The Gap, and exactly why this is only the tenth The Gap entries on this blog. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Ooh, baggy tops, neutrals, and odd fabric choices. Color me shocked.

Aimless skirts.

Dresses that fill me with apathy.

I’m sick of this, The Gap. What is your problem? Why are you so desperate to maintain your stranglehold on mediocrity? It’s not even that your clothes are bad, they’re just uninteresting and better executed by every other retailer out there. This is particularly baffling given that you somehow manage to create the consistently amazing GapKids line.

Both these kids are way cooler than I will ever be. These girls were into Justin Bieber before he went corporate, and now they only listen to Richard Fleur, a 5 month old infant singer-songwriter because he’s not a sellout. They have more Hype on than you ever will. These girls look like super-fashionable street urchins. If you told me this was a still from the Disney Channel’s new show Olivia and D, a sitcom loosely based on Oliver!, I would believe you.

And it’s not all rugged street style. No, GapKids caters to both uptown and downtown girls.

How amazing is that trench? How crisp and clean is the outfit, without being fussy or overstyled? How perfect would this look be for fall?

And it’s wasted on a nine year old who will, by the end of the first day, have managed to cover the trench in glitter glue and playground.

Just so we’re clear, this is how The Gap expects their moms to dress:

Yes, a long-sleeve t-shirt layered – poorly, I might add – under a short-sleeved sweater. With pegged  jeggings, a floppy hat, and ankle boots. Thrilling. Flattering. Definitely not just something you’d wear to the corner store when you have a cold and need more Tylenol.

The Gap, stop doing this to yourself. Stop wasting time and energy on you crappy adult line. Give everyone at GapKids a pay raise, tinker with the proportions, and start selling adult sized versions of your GapKids line.

Of course, if you’re not going to bother getting your fit right (something you still suck at), don’t even bother. I’d rather continue to ignore your store than be consistently disappointed by cute but poorly cut clothes.

And warn your posh stepsister Banana Republic to stop snickering – I have some thoughts for her, too.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to see if it’s possible to get my hips surgically remodeled so I can fit into this skirt.

Partial list of GapKids clothes:
GapKids Corduroy Military Peacoat – $55
GapKids Ruffled Star Dress – $34.95
GapKids Engineer Short Boots – $45
GapKids Ruffle Trench Coat – $55
GapKids Jeweled Rosette Ballet Flats – $26.95
GapKids Allover Dot Corduroy Skirt – $23.96
GapKids Boucle Tiered Skirt – $49.95

*Unless Anderson Cooper is giggling about a poop joke. His giggle fit confirmed for me that Anderson and I should totally hang out and laugh at phrases like “Tight End” together. 

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