Floob Away 1

Since General Theodore von Hertzelwagner invented the wave during the Great Pickle War of 1827, there have been few advancements in the field of body language.

We are fortunate enough to live in a time when not one, but two great discoveries in the field of body language have been made within a span of 3 years. One of the few great contemporary minds in the field, Tyra Banks, revolutionized the study of body language when she discovered the smize in 2009. This is, of course, a feat which has gone woefully under-acknowledged – where is her prize, Nobel committee?

As I said, we are living in a time when two great discoveries have been made. The second, and possible the most revolutionary, has been made by the design team of J.Crew.

It has been dubbed “Floobing,” short for “Flirting With Your Boobs,” and it has profoundly changed physical communication.

In the past, if a woman saw a cute guy at the beach, her ability to convey sexual interest was hindered by the ever-present sunglasses worn by most beach-goers. With this bikini top, it becomes easy for a wearer’s cleavage to shoot come-hither glances from beneath long lashes. Your bosoms will be flirtier than Fifi the Slutty Feather Duster.

And she is one flirty bitch.

If you’ve ever felt that your cleavage lacked a certain something – a certain coy girlishness, maybe – then this is the bikini top for you. Just be careful how you use your newfound ability to floob. Researchers still do not know or understand the full extent of the power of the floob. Remember: with great floobing comes great responsibility.

Alternately: This is what happens when you spill Latisse on your favorite bathing suit.

Alternately: Martha’s newest crafts project involves a fun and flirty way to reuse old coffee filters!

J. Crew Ruffle Underwire Bikini Top – $24.99-$34.99

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One comment on “Floob Away

  1. Reply Scott Dec 13, 2011 2:34 pm

    I like how you had 3 ideas for the same product, but then had to just jam in the last two at the end. Without an outlet, has this hiatus already crammed too many ideas into your head?

    If so… then God help us all.

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