However, every company is capable of a misstep here or there, such as selling “I’m too pretty to do homework” t-shirts or creating thongs for 8-year-olds.

Or, say, making red, heart-shaped sunglasses for young girls.

Y’know, run of the mill mistakes that just slip through the cracks.

Lollipop and Sting song sold separately.

GapKids Heart Sunglasses – $9.95

Which isn’t to say I don’t have issues with some aspects of the show. Given that (presumably) you’re reading this blog for jokes about clothes and not for lengthy dissertations on storytelling, I’m not going to go down that path. I just felt I had to share that side of things, because otherwise my friend Sarah would read this and roll her eyes, thinking of all the hours she’s spent listening to my complaining about the show’s use of time jumps.

One thing about the show I’ve never criticized (good transition, right?) was Janie Bryant’s brilliant costume design. It is not hyperbolic to say that Janie Bryant’s costuming on Mad Men is inspired. If you want to devote an afternoon or sleepless night to fully understanding the nuances of the costumes, read Tom and Lorenzo’s posts about the show’s fashion – particularly their character posts. You’ll never watch the show the same way again – whenever you see Joan wearing purple, you will brace yourself.

Which leads me to my point  … okay, no it doesn’t, but I can’t always have brilliant transitions. I was originally going to write a whole post about Banana Republic’s fall Mad Men line, but it just seemed like so much work, and I am le tired. So I put it off and put it off and now it’s almost totally sold out, which means I can’t actually write a post about it.

Here is the general gist, though: Janie Bryant, I love you, but your personal collections have left me totally whelmed – which, until this point, I thought you could only be in Europe. Nothing about your QVC line or your BR line have jumped out at me in that “Gotta have it” kind of way. In fact, the only thing that’s jumped out at me is that you have an affinity for leopard print matched only by a mafia wife.

I don’t know much about period fashion, but when Tom and Lorenzo say that animal print was way more daring in 1960, I believe them. Leopard print feels, if anything, like late 1960s to me (and Wikipedia backs me up on this one).

Beyond that, though, leopard print is so commonplace now. None of these items look like they’re specific to the Mad Men collection – they could just as easily have been from last year’s fall collection. A mod print or some colorblocking would have felt way more unique (and the colorblocking would have been very on-trend). I realize that you’re working with a Gap subsidiary, Janie Bryant, but you went leopard-crazy with your QVC collection too, so I know it’s not just because Banana Republic bought too much leopard fabric and insisted you use it for all the accessories.

From left to right: Joan, Peggy, Betty … I think?

I worry that I’m being too hard on you – that maybe I have unreasonable expectations. But, at the heart of the matter, all I wanted was a fusion of 1960s silhouettes with a modern aesthetic. I wanted a fall line that didn’t look like every other fall line Banana Republic has had since the beginning of time. Essentially, what I was hoping for was a line a little more … well, like something Trina Turk might have designed.

Betty

Peggy

Joan

These are the designs you should be selling, Janie Bryant, not the leopard print accessories and poorly structured dresses and skirts. You’re better than the designs you’ve been selling. Unless you’re not really a designer at all, and you just have an eye for styling, in which case, please stop with the misleading “Mad Men inspired”  clothing lines. I’m tired of getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed like Sally’s self-esteem after a weekend with Betty.

Banana Republic Mad Men Collection – Prices vary
Trina Turk Jamison Belted Dress – $368
Trina Turk Lowell Dress – $385
Trina Turk Seabird Dress – $228
Trina Turk Mirren Belted Dress – $278
Trina Turk Mariposa Dress – $258
Trina Turk Spirit Dress – $376

From Paleolithic cave drawings to Egyptian statuary, from Peruvian pottery to Roman frescoes, images of fertility and copulation have a long and storied history in mankind’s artistic development. - Dr. Jacques Humperdink, A Clinical Analysis of Pornographic Imagery

In keeping with this long and storied tradition, here’s a ring with two bears going at it. Should you choose to wear this ring, I suggest you steer clear of playgrounds. Inevitably, a small child will ask you what’s on your ring, then ask their mother to buy them a ring with the bears hugging from behind.

Also, avoid zoos, because you don’t want to over-excite the bears.

I want to buy several dozen of these and bury them in various locations with burnt offerings and pottery shards, so that one day archaeologists will think we all worshiped a bear fertility goddess.

Thanks to Amy Goudreau for posting this on the fanpage. Had she not posted it, I would have continued to live in blissful ignorance, unaware that you can wear ursine erotic on your hand.

Verameat Hibernation Hump Ring – $68

Check out Verameat’s website. It’s only 3% bear porn, and 97% awesome and creative pendants and rings, including but not limited to a Loch Ness monster necklace.

It’s nice to see that even the most jaded among us still have some magic in their hearts.

ModCloth Lady of Song Hat – $62.99

In the past, Blasé Moddle has been paired with hipster-approved accessories, such as the long feather earrings in her debut post. But for fall, ModCloth’s going in a decidedly girly direction, and even the Blasé Moddle can’t avoid it. The headband she’s wearing is definitely cute, but it’s so precious on her that I can’t help but think that she would never have worn it by choice.

ModCloth Prose-ettes Headband – $9.99

Yeah, that’s what happened to me over the last couple weeks. Except I didn’t flee to South Africa. I mostly just watched The 90s Are All That, Pretty Little Liars, and Ancient Aliens. Also, I didn’t get a lucrative contract from Comedy Central, but I did get a major case of writer’s block that happened to coincide with the second (!) anniversary of the blog (happy birthday from a week ago, blog. You don’t get cake this year, just shame).

Anyway, for those of you who noticed my absence, I’m not dead or hiding in South Africa or recovering from “exhaustion” at Promises in Malibu. I was just being really lazy and letting a bad case of writer’s block get the best of me.

But that’s done (for now, anyway). In celebration of my conquering general malaise, (alternately: General Malaise, the head of the Doldrum Army), I’ve asked an old friend of the blog to help me announce my triumphant return to the keyboard.

Indeed we are, Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. Indeed we are.

Although, Hardest Working Model is a rare sight at ModCloth these days. ModCloth, where has she been lately? I am not nearly as enamored with your other models. It’s not that they’re bad. It’s just that, other than the HWMaM, the occasional ModLol, and Blasé Moddle, the models are definitely not standing out the way a ModCloth model should. I demand more Hardest Working Model at ModCloth – not only because I find her mix of serenity and attitude to be fascinating, but because your site really needs models like her.

I mean, come on. If you are seriously going to try to convince people to buy these Jeffrey Campbell eyesores -

- you absolutely, without a doubt, need to post more than just a bunch of pictures of the shoe. I don’t need six different angles to figure out that these booties are inspired by fumigation tents. No, what I need to see is an actual person wearing these, partly because I refuse to believe that these are real. I need to see how you think we should style these monstrosities. And I need to see it on someone I trust – a model with a strong, confident gaze, who is able to wear fumigation tents on her feet and random hoods on her head. ModCloth, you need the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. The two of you belong together, like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lifetime, The Network For Women.

Don’t fight it, ModCloth. Run to the Hardest Working Model At ModCloth’s front door, stand in the rain outside her window holding a boombox, then tell her that she completes you. Just do it, ModCloth. Fall is rapidly approaching, and I really don’t know if I can handle the style insanity that comes from a season change without her.

ModCloth Unisexy Sunglasses – $11.99

ModCloth Sidelines Bootie – $191.99

I imagine that she’s coolly surly, wears scarves to keep her hair off her face on hot days, and paints really amazing murals. She’s the girl who dyed her hair black and shaved half of it off her sophomore year of high school, just because.  She spent a year in Paris rather than going to college. She drinks scotch neat. Everything she says has an implied eye roll – the fact that she even has to answer your question at all is an inconvenience. She’s not an angry person, but this world is just too exhaustingly mundane for her to bother. Bizarre things happen to her, but nothing fazes her at this point.

So when you compliment her on her unusual earrings, she tells you what happened:

Just another day in the life of the Blasé Model.

ModCloth Plume Perfect Earrings – $12.99

Max Brooks gave a speech about, among other things, zombies (also, abject failure, which was a refreshing change and something I wish more people had talked about as I was about to graduate college and embark on the next phase of my life, now affectionately termed “Amanda’s Epic Failure At Assistanting World Tour”).

As Max Brooks (I have to use his full name; saying “Max” is too casual and “Mr. Brooks” just feels a little formal for a guy explaining the game “Humans vs. Zombies” to a bunch of Baby Boomers.* Also, why am I using so many parentheticals today?) … I’m starting that sentence again.

As Max Brooks used a zombie analogy to inspire the graduates to aim for greatness, I couldn’t help but think that maybe – just maybe – zombies were a little overplayed. I don’t mean to step on any toes or cast aspersions about Max Brooks’ bread-and-undead-butter. I’m just saying that you know a meme is overplayed when the CDC picks up on it.

So what’s next? We’ve covered zombies, werewolves, witches, and vampires. What can we expect from the mythical creature meme pipeline?

It makes perfect sense: Unicorns are utterly wholesome and due for a makeover. In classical mythology, they were symbolic of purity and could only be touched by virgins. In modern times, they are emblazoned on Trapper Keepers and beloved by tweenaged girls and my friend Christine. Isn’t it time they became more?

Maybe they’re shadowy figures, fighting to protect the innocent, but some of them are still mad about being left behind by Noah during the flood. Or there could be were-nicorns who are human by day, but on crescent moons are transformed into unicorns. The options are endless.

All I know for sure is that they’re armed, they’re dangerous, and they’re back with a vengeance.

ModCloth Mythical Creature Earrings – $11.99

*How Max Brooks explained it: “There are humans. And there are zombies. And they versus each other.”

Left: ModCloth Big Pitch Dress – $49.99
Center: ModCloth Flight As a Feather Dress – $59.99 (out of stock, waiting list available)
Right: ModCloth Style Is Style Dress – $72.99

I doubt any of these three would work on me, but I love them all the same. My favorite is definitely the Big Pitch Dress – it looks like something straight out of Faye Dunaway’s wardrobe in Network.

It’s worth noting that the “Style is Style” dress is named after a blogger. Despite the fact that this dress marks yet another month that this blog goes unacknowledged by the ModCloth Naming Committee, I won’t let that prejudice my picks. It’s a cute dress. It might have been cuter if it were called the “You Want Me To Wear What Dress,” but it’s still a cute summer dress.

Left: ModCloth Karaoke Dokie Skirt – $39.99
Center: ModCloth Santa Barbara B&B Top – $42.99
Right: ModCloth Happy Bunch Skirt – $49.99

I’m a little obsessed with striped tops at the moment, and the Santa Barbara top is a nice change from the usual blue and white options. It has a nice drape and an open neckline – two things that make it perfect for early summer nights (or daytime in the perpetually chilly Santa Barbara).

On the other hand, I never wear patterned skirts, but these are two really cute options. The Happy Bunch skirt has a great vintage look to it, like it was made using housecoats and aprons from the early 60s. The Karaoke Dokie skirt is a fresh take on a zebra print – something I’d never consider wearing normally, but without the stark white/black contrast, it becomes much more accessible.

Left: ModCloth Water Signs Ring – $9.99
Center: ModCloth Salon Sophisticate Necklce – $19.99
Right: ModCloth Triple Threat Wedge – $74.99

I love stacking rings, I love art deco, and I’ve been living in a surprisingly comfortable pair of Old Navy cork wedges. This trio is my perfect storm of accessories. I’m especially intrigued by the wedges – I’m pretty sure they will last a lot longer than the Old Navy ones I’ve been living in.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to procrastinating by making fake Twitter accounts and really stupid Tumblrs. Have a good weekend!

Instead, I decided to caption her.

Robert promised her that his extensive Taylor Swift album and memorabilia collection meant nothing, but Elaine still suspected that he had other reasons for being with her.

Or:

Saundra never expected that her severe myopia would result in a lucrative career as a Taylor Swift impersonator. The money was too good to turn down, but she couldn’t quiet the nagging fear that she was slowly losing herself to the woman she pretended to be every day. Some nights – when it was very dark and still – she would lie awake, wondering where Saundra ended and Taylor began.

If you have a caption, post it in the comments section and I’ll repost it here.
ModCloth Eye Want Candy Glasses – $11.99 (sold out)