Yeah, that’s what happened to me over the last couple weeks. Except I didn’t flee to South Africa. I mostly just watched The 90s Are All That, Pretty Little Liars, and Ancient Aliens. Also, I didn’t get a lucrative contract from Comedy Central, but I did get a major case of writer’s block that happened to coincide with the second (!) anniversary of the blog (happy birthday from a week ago, blog. You don’t get cake this year, just shame).

Anyway, for those of you who noticed my absence, I’m not dead or hiding in South Africa or recovering from “exhaustion” at Promises in Malibu. I was just being really lazy and letting a bad case of writer’s block get the best of me.

But that’s done (for now, anyway). In celebration of my conquering general malaise, (alternately: General Malaise, the head of the Doldrum Army), I’ve asked an old friend of the blog to help me announce my triumphant return to the keyboard.

Indeed we are, Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. Indeed we are.

Although, Hardest Working Model is a rare sight at ModCloth these days. ModCloth, where has she been lately? I am not nearly as enamored with your other models. It’s not that they’re bad. It’s just that, other than the HWMaM, the occasional ModLol, and Blasé Moddle, the models are definitely not standing out the way a ModCloth model should. I demand more Hardest Working Model at ModCloth – not only because I find her mix of serenity and attitude to be fascinating, but because your site really needs models like her.

I mean, come on. If you are seriously going to try to convince people to buy these Jeffrey Campbell eyesores -

- you absolutely, without a doubt, need to post more than just a bunch of pictures of the shoe. I don’t need six different angles to figure out that these booties are inspired by fumigation tents. No, what I need to see is an actual person wearing these, partly because I refuse to believe that these are real. I need to see how you think we should style these monstrosities. And I need to see it on someone I trust – a model with a strong, confident gaze, who is able to wear fumigation tents on her feet and random hoods on her head. ModCloth, you need the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. The two of you belong together, like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lifetime, The Network For Women.

Don’t fight it, ModCloth. Run to the Hardest Working Model At ModCloth’s front door, stand in the rain outside her window holding a boombox, then tell her that she completes you. Just do it, ModCloth. Fall is rapidly approaching, and I really don’t know if I can handle the style insanity that comes from a season change without her.

ModCloth Unisexy Sunglasses – $11.99

ModCloth Sidelines Bootie – $191.99

So, we’ve already conquered the heel and the toe bed. What more can be removed from a shoe to create a look that’s uniquely Jeffrey Campbell?

Arch support is for sad women in sweat pants and faded Tweety Bird shirts, not for fashionistas. If your arches can’t support themselves, what good are they? How hard is it for your arches to stay stable in heels without the aid of an insole? Do you have chubby arches? Then keep your insoles – these shoes are for slim, appealing arches. You can take you tarches (when your arches are so fat they blend into your toes) to Dr. Scholl’s, because we don’t want any aesthetically offensive arches here.

And lest you think that the archless shoe might be limited to a single style, an individual stroke of genius on the part of the Jeffrey Campbell design team, rest assured that they were so pleased with their creation that they designed several shoes with the same lack of arch  support. Y’know, because it’s so versatile.

Just what the spectator wedge was missing: gaping holes where one would expect to find vital structural support. How whimsical! How witty! How chic!

It’s times like these when I wonder if Jeffrey Campbell is secretly being paid by podiatrists to wreak havoc on the innocent feet of gullible fashionistas. I’m not saying he is, but I’m not saying the idea is beyond reason either.

Jeffrey Campbell Skyroom Wedges – $189.95
Jeffrey Campbell Jumper – $184
Jeffrey Campbell Benched Cut Out Platforms – $187

This was supposed to go up last Friday to wrap up Jeffrey Campbell week, but instead I was distracted by shiny objects, adorable children, and bad monster movies.

And sometimes they chase you through town with torches, flaming.

Oh, and also, you’re afraid of fire, which means that you can’t cook your meat or see in the dark. Yeah, life pretty much sucks.

To make matters worse, you’re the star of a lucrative franchise, which means that every time you supposedly die at the end of a movie, you come back again for the next one. And again. And again. For a guy made of reanimated parts, that has to take a toll on the body. So what happens when those trademark big black boots stop providing the support needed for a guy with no cartilage?

Jeffrey Campbell steps in and creates a pair of orthopedic shoes perfect for the monster who doesn’t want to lose inches or style. Now Frankenstein’s monster can stomp through the castle without worrying about his bunions. He can run from fire without the searing pain of weak knees.

And best of all? They’re by Jeffrey Campbell, so even the Village People can’t judge him.

Lori’s Shoes Jeffrey Campbell Ad-Long Platforms – $146

]]> http://youwantmetowearwhat.com/2011/07/its-a-platform-a-platform/feed/ 2 http://youwantmetowearwhat.com/2011/07/combat-cutouts/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=combat-cutouts http://youwantmetowearwhat.com/2011/07/combat-cutouts/#comments Wed, 20 Jul 2011 04:44:16 +0000 Amanda http://youwantmetowearwhat.com/?p=4609 After yesterday’s post, I decided to make this week Jeffrey Campbell week. I’ve mentioned Jeffrey Campbell shoes before, most notably with the horrifying open-toed boots from a couple months ago. Chictopia covered Campbell’s fever dream-induced footwear designs, except the blogger had a slightly different take on it all than I do. As she said: And [...]]]> After yesterday’s post, I decided to make this week Jeffrey Campbell week. I’ve mentioned Jeffrey Campbell shoes before, most notably with the horrifying open-toed boots from a couple months ago.

Chictopia covered Campbell’s fever dream-induced footwear designs, except the blogger had a slightly different take on it all than I do. As she said:

And like every girl who is into fashion and doesn’t want to look like everybody else, after a certain point you have to wear what the eyes were once telling you looks insane (and what your boyfriend still thinks looks insane).

I’m all for creativity, but creating ugly shoes and then calling them art doesn’t make them worth wearing. It’s the ultimate case of the Emperor having no clothes, part of the myth that fashion must be inaccessible. The gist of the Chictopia post is that the author doesn’t totally get the shoes, but she knows she has to have them because no one else is wearing them. I’m pretty sure I read a Betty and Veronica comic with that exact same plot.

So, Jeffrey Campbell is more than deserving of a week devoted to his creations. I kicked it off (unintentionally) with the good, so let’s dive right into the bad and ugly.

Have you ever worn your Doc Martens and thought, “If only these could have more ventilation, and maybe rub  my heel raw a little more?” Weird, neither have I. And yet …

Another nonexistent need met by Jeffrey Campbell. What is this guy’s preoccupation with random cutouts? Does he think that the modern foot requires more air flow to keep from overheating like a computer? Because someone should probably explain to him that the foot has done just fine for years without being exposed at random.

As with many Campbell shoes, I can’t imagine that these are particularly comfortable. It can be tough to find a pair of sandals or boots that don’t rub your foot wrong; combining the stiff leather of a boot with the stark edges of a sandal spells trouble for those who prefer to avoid painful blisters. Plus, you’re wearing leather boots without any socks, which means that after an hour you will have a gross swamp of foot sweat fermenting in the toe bed.

Then again, maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe this is one of those things that you have to see on a person to really understand.

Nope. Still not getting it. They look like those shoe covers that come with cheap Halloween costumes. Seriously, if you’re going to wear combat boots, commit to the boots. Never mind that the heel is the most difficult part of the foot to maintain. Think about it – you can throw some polish on your toes and make them look not completely hobbit-like. Heels, on the other hand, are trickier. You have to moisturize and pumice to make sure they don’t look like they belong to a cave man. Unless you have particularly attractive heels, I don’t know why one would be compelled to spotlight them.

On the whole, like so many of Jeffrey Campbell’s shoes, I am yet again mystified. If anyone can explain these to me, I would greatly appreciate some sort of enlightenment.

Urban Outfitters Jeffrey Campbell Cutout Boot – $249

When she mentioned wanting to go as David Bowie for Halloween, my response was, “Of course you do,” because David Bowie is awesome and Naomi is awesome, and if anyone is going to cross dress as a glam rocker, it’s going to be Naomi.

So: Hey, Naomi, I found part of your Halloween costume.

Bam. That’s some hardcore Ziggy Stardust footwear right there. The best part is that it has a heel, but the wedge provides enough stability that you can run if chased by spiders from Mars. What more could you want from a glittery ankle boot?

ModCloth Jeffrey Campbell Cutie Stardust Wedges – $163.99

Left: ModCloth Big Pitch Dress – $49.99
Center: ModCloth Flight As a Feather Dress – $59.99 (out of stock, waiting list available)
Right: ModCloth Style Is Style Dress – $72.99

I doubt any of these three would work on me, but I love them all the same. My favorite is definitely the Big Pitch Dress – it looks like something straight out of Faye Dunaway’s wardrobe in Network.

It’s worth noting that the “Style is Style” dress is named after a blogger. Despite the fact that this dress marks yet another month that this blog goes unacknowledged by the ModCloth Naming Committee, I won’t let that prejudice my picks. It’s a cute dress. It might have been cuter if it were called the “You Want Me To Wear What Dress,” but it’s still a cute summer dress.

Left: ModCloth Karaoke Dokie Skirt – $39.99
Center: ModCloth Santa Barbara B&B Top – $42.99
Right: ModCloth Happy Bunch Skirt – $49.99

I’m a little obsessed with striped tops at the moment, and the Santa Barbara top is a nice change from the usual blue and white options. It has a nice drape and an open neckline – two things that make it perfect for early summer nights (or daytime in the perpetually chilly Santa Barbara).

On the other hand, I never wear patterned skirts, but these are two really cute options. The Happy Bunch skirt has a great vintage look to it, like it was made using housecoats and aprons from the early 60s. The Karaoke Dokie skirt is a fresh take on a zebra print – something I’d never consider wearing normally, but without the stark white/black contrast, it becomes much more accessible.

Left: ModCloth Water Signs Ring – $9.99
Center: ModCloth Salon Sophisticate Necklce – $19.99
Right: ModCloth Triple Threat Wedge – $74.99

I love stacking rings, I love art deco, and I’ve been living in a surprisingly comfortable pair of Old Navy cork wedges. This trio is my perfect storm of accessories. I’m especially intrigued by the wedges – I’m pretty sure they will last a lot longer than the Old Navy ones I’ve been living in.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to procrastinating by making fake Twitter accounts and really stupid Tumblrs. Have a good weekend!

Yes, the likelihood of my sunshine-and-daisies positive attitude lasting longer than a day is slim – and if one more person forgets to card me, I might cut a bitch – but for the time being, as far as I’m concerned, I am so freaking positive woodland creatures help me do my chores.

Since I have bluebirds folding my laundry, I’m going to do a post of clothes from some of my favorite stores and designers. Most of the items are a step up from my usual jeans/t-shirt/sneakers uniform, so I’m choosing to think of this post as the clothes I plan on growing into this year.

And really, what’s more grown-up than ShopBop’s amazing collection of designers?

Left: Rodarte for Opening Ceremony Reverse Pleated Skirt – $322
Center: Catherine Malandrino Pleated Skirt – $325
Right: Haute Hippie Camo Iconic Miniskirt – $695

I’m not a flouncy skirt girl (or a sequined miniskirt girl for that matter), but these Malandrino and Rodarte skirts could change my attitude. And the camo is a nice take on the now ever-so-slightly overplayed sequin trend.

Left: Citizens of Humanity Dita Petite Boot Cut Jeans – $150
Center: Current/Elliott The Ankle Skinny Jeans – $168
Right: Paige Denim Petite Hollywood Hills Bootcut Jeans – $190

I love jeans. I can grow up style-wise, but I don’t think I’m going to be evolving past jeans anytime soon. I’m devoted to Citizens of Humanity, but I’ve always been curious about Paige Denim. As for the Current/Elliott skinnies – honestly, I doubt I’ll ever find a pair of skinny jeans that doesn’t make me look misshapen, but these are very on-trend for spring and I’d love to be able to wear them with a drapey silk tank.

Left: Marc by Marc Jacobs Marcelle Stripe Shirtdress – $248
Center: Equipment Signature Shirt – $258
Right: Alice + Olivia Haylen Lace Blouse – $275

Three pieces of clothing that could be straight out of Zooey Deschanel’s closet. While I find her to be insufferably twee, she does have a wardrobe I’d love to raid. Granted, she’d probably start randomly singing because she is compelled to spread her magic pixie dust through song, but if I manage to hide my rolling eyes, I’m sure I’d come away with some clothes very similar to the three finds above.

Left: Halston Heritage Swing Cocktail Dress – $365
Center: Diane von Furstenberg Isadora Dress – $975
Right: Herve Leger Metallic V-Neck Dress – $1,350

I have absolutely no reason to buy a dress that costs more than $300, but in my fantasyland I have weekly social engagements – galas, cotillions, charity balls … pretty much anything in an episode of Gossip Girl – that require an endless wardrobe of dresses. The way I see it, if you’re going for a look, go authentic. Something flowy and swingy? Halston. Slinky and 70s inspired? Without a doubt, DvF. And while I’m over the bandage dress trend, if you’re looking to squeeze into something tighter than sausage casing, you might as well go with the real deal.

Left: Christian Louboutin Beauty 100 Leather Pumps – $695
Center: Christian Louboutin Rolando Platform Pump – $795
Right: Christian Louboutin Balota Heels – $1,195

Okay, these aren’t on ShopBop.com, but did you really think I could get through a wishlist post without including a few pairs of super-fancy shoes? I went with the tan pumps because they’re daintier and less overtly sexy than most Louboutin offerings. The Rolando platforms have a zipper and zipper pull on the heel which is just a cool little addition. As for the Balota heels … I made this joke in my Emmys-themed Friday Feets, but I’ll say it again: if, tomorrow morning, I woke up and looked like Blake Lively, I would wear these shoes as soon as possible.

I started this post on my birthday but didn’t finish it until a day later, so I’ve decided it’s still my birthday (in fact, it might be my birthday until I finish my five nights straight of trivia hosting this week).

Super cute boots, right? Little wedge heels, a Bottega Veneta-esque basket weave along the sides, and the leather’s a great transition color for spring and fall.

You’re probably pretty invested in these boots now, right? These could be the boots you’ve been searching for. You want to see the front of these absolutely adorable boots.

Except, you don’t. Trust me.

Because they’re not boots. They’re a horrifying sandal/boot hybrid, perfect for those of you who have claustrophobic toes and perpetually cold calves, otherwise known as “Sweatyfeetclammycalfitis.”

Jeffrey Campbell’s shoes can be pretty out there, but these are just beyond. How does he think of this stuff? What made him look at a pair of riding boots and think, “Those would make adorable sandals?”

I can only hope that these were originally intended to be boots, but the sketches were sent to the manufacturer before they were completed – like in those Marshalls commercials where everyone in the fashion industry is apparently incapable of ordering the right amount of product.

That’s the explanation I’m going with, because otherwise these are just nonsensical hybrids that exist purely for the sake of creating “edgy” but hideously impractical shoes.

In other words, just your average pair of Jeffrey Campbells.

Jeffrey Campbell Kasa Lace Up Sandal – $188

Can you guess what kind of a day today is?

Bebe Sierra Colorblock Peep Toe Pump – $129

(if one post a day isn’t enough You Want Me To Wear What snark for you, check out my live webcasts in the “Shop With Me” section at Gabcast.tv – tomorrow, Wed. the 11th, I’m casting at 9am and 1pm PST, but normally I go on at 11am and 4pm PST).

I was so desperate to find something, anything to post about, I even looked through J. Crew in the hopes of finding a denim jumpsuit or sequined sweat pants. Unfortunately, all I found were summery tops, cute dresses, and any number of other things I wanted to buy.

Here are a few of those things.

Left: J. Crew Finespun Draped Tank – $39.50
Center: J. Crew Stripe Button-Back Tee – $39.50
Right: J. Crew Silk Layering Tank – $75

Left: J. Crew Perfect Shirt – $78
Center: J. Crew Natalie Studded Sweater – $395
Right: J. Crew Metallic Slouch Sweater – $118

Left: J. Crew Garden Skirt – $89.50
Center: J. Crew Pencil Skirt in Super 120s – $118
Right: J. Crew Le Soleil Tweed Mini – $225

Left: J. Crew Jetty Dress – $79.50
Center: J. Crew Heirloom Shift Dress – $495
Right: J. Crew Maryanne Suede Wedges – $150

Left: J. Crew Silk Chiffon Evie Dress – $195
Center: J. Crew Farrah Dress – $250
Right: J. Crew Menara High Heel Sandals – $235

Anything you guys like at J. Crew? Post it in the comments – there are now custom avatars, a “Notify Me of Follow-Up Comments” option, and this thing called CommentLuv that lets you link to your last blog post. So go play with the new shiny toys already, and thanks for reading!