First and foremost: people still go to raves? Is this a tie in with The 90s Are All That? Because I thought raves stopped being A Thing when people converted abandoned warehouses to fallout shelters in anticipation of Y2K.

That being said, I am extremely thankful for the continued existence of raves. Without raves, this video wouldn’t exist, and I would have had to spend my day doing something other than watching it on a loop. Plus, without raves grown women wouldn’t have a perfectly reasonable excuse for wearing Hello Kitty gear.

I had no idea that Hello Kitty (or “HK,” as she’s been dubbed by those in the know) was huge in the rave scene. I feel like this video should be accompanied by a “The More You Know” shooting star. I don’t really understand why HK would be so popular in the raving community, but then again, as a general rule, the popularity of HK is lost on me. I really don’t get why she’s appealing when she’s little more than a white blob wearing a bow, devoid of personality or defining characteristics.

But this isn’t about whether or not Hello Kitty’s widespread popularity is warranted or logical. No, this is about how to dress for a rave, and apparently, Hello Kitty gear and hot pants, paired with white knee high boots, are considered entry-level ravewear.

And don’t worry, Blonde Rave Lady isn’t doing that peace sign thing which has become ubiquitous in group photos of Asian girls. No, she’s letting us know that it’s time to move on to outfit number two. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Okay, so the Hello Kitty tank and sequined hot pants are kind of garish, but they’re not offensively bad. What’s the big deal?”

Ah yes, the always versatile furry hood/bikini top combination. As the Blonde Furry One says, “it may seem a little outrageous to you, but it’s definitely for our raving veterans – or someone that wants to go all out.” I think that last part goes without saying. After all, if wearing a lace-front bikini top and furry ears weren’t going all out, you’d be able to buy matching sets at Target.

Of course, if you’re a little nervous about looking like the lovechild of a Grateful Dead bear and a mudflap girl, you can always pair up with a friend. Because, as everyone knows, you will always look less crazy if you get a friend to dress up in a matching outfit.

As Laker Bear says, you don’t have to limit your outfit to raves. She suggests you wear it “as like, a Care Bear outfit,” but I think it has even greater potential. These hoods could come in hand in snowy climates to keep your head warm. For a less practical but more entertaining use, I would suggest sneaking up on unsuspecting pedestrians, tapping them on the shoulder, then giving them a wide, unblinking smile when they turn around. Alternately, chasing strangers down the street while growling.

In case you ever wondered whether or not drugs are a requirement at raves: these girls are wearing fuzzy bear hoods and lights on their skirts. I’m pretty sure that drugs are the only way these outfits make sense.

The third outfit is your standard American Apparel-meets-exotic-dancer fare: a silver triangle bikini top, a pleather waist cincher, and silver leggings with lace inserts up the sides. Looking at this outfit, I can’t help but think of how foul it will be after an Ecstasy-fueled all night dance party. I’m guessing that silver spandex leggings don’t breathe well to begin with. After a rave, you could probably find new forms of intelligent life in them. If nothing else, you’ll probably have enough yeast to start your own bakery.

After so many fever dream-induced outfits, the final “look” is a little disappointing. It’s described as “rave gone sexy,” which is definitely selling that bikini top/micro mini combo short. In comparison to that outfit, this dress is a level of conservative on par with “Politician’s wife at her husband’s press conference following a sex and corruption scandal.”

It’s almost disappointing to end the video with this outfit, because it’s so very anticlimactic. I’m pretty sure that at least two of my Barbies wore this very dress while performing with their Spice Girls cover band. I was really expecting more out of look number four – something as deeply bizarre as fuzzy hoods with light-up ears.

Basically, I was hoping for the Steve Buscemi dress.

Yes, that is a real thing, no, it is not available at AMI Clubwear (it’s by the temporarily closed, always insane Black Milk Clothing). But it should be available at AMI Clubwear, because there’s nothing that screams “rave” like the sleep serial killer eyes of Mr. Pink himself. Some might argue that a dress with a face on it might give fellow ravers some bad trips, but really, I don’t think it’s any more terrifying than a light-up, multicolored bear wearing a person’s face.

Oh yeah. I’m calling it right now – bear outfit is way creepier. That’s some Frank the Bunny shit right there.

For your viewing pleasure, the whole video (if nothing else, you have to watch the dancing at 3:09. The brunette starts doing a hoe-down and it is amazing):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AwuI0t_qOQ

All items from AMI Clubwear

If you said yes to one or more of the above questions, then congratulations: you’re even more of a patriot than the immaculately conceived love child of Sarah Palin and the ghost of John Adams. You are so patriotic, you were probably born wrapped in the American flag. You weren’t born by Cesaerian section, you were born by Democracy section.

So this Fourth of July, wear a red, white and blue skirt that shows you’re an American, inside and out.

Or, at the very least, a skirt that shows you’re an American with very patriotic lady parts.

Anthropologie Americana Skirt – $89.95

Left: ModCloth Big Pitch Dress – $49.99
Center: ModCloth Flight As a Feather Dress – $59.99 (out of stock, waiting list available)
Right: ModCloth Style Is Style Dress – $72.99

I doubt any of these three would work on me, but I love them all the same. My favorite is definitely the Big Pitch Dress – it looks like something straight out of Faye Dunaway’s wardrobe in Network.

It’s worth noting that the “Style is Style” dress is named after a blogger. Despite the fact that this dress marks yet another month that this blog goes unacknowledged by the ModCloth Naming Committee, I won’t let that prejudice my picks. It’s a cute dress. It might have been cuter if it were called the “You Want Me To Wear What Dress,” but it’s still a cute summer dress.

Left: ModCloth Karaoke Dokie Skirt – $39.99
Center: ModCloth Santa Barbara B&B Top – $42.99
Right: ModCloth Happy Bunch Skirt – $49.99

I’m a little obsessed with striped tops at the moment, and the Santa Barbara top is a nice change from the usual blue and white options. It has a nice drape and an open neckline – two things that make it perfect for early summer nights (or daytime in the perpetually chilly Santa Barbara).

On the other hand, I never wear patterned skirts, but these are two really cute options. The Happy Bunch skirt has a great vintage look to it, like it was made using housecoats and aprons from the early 60s. The Karaoke Dokie skirt is a fresh take on a zebra print – something I’d never consider wearing normally, but without the stark white/black contrast, it becomes much more accessible.

Left: ModCloth Water Signs Ring – $9.99
Center: ModCloth Salon Sophisticate Necklce – $19.99
Right: ModCloth Triple Threat Wedge – $74.99

I love stacking rings, I love art deco, and I’ve been living in a surprisingly comfortable pair of Old Navy cork wedges. This trio is my perfect storm of accessories. I’m especially intrigued by the wedges – I’m pretty sure they will last a lot longer than the Old Navy ones I’ve been living in.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to procrastinating by making fake Twitter accounts and really stupid Tumblrs. Have a good weekend!

I’ve spent countless hours staring at blinking cursors, writing and rewriting a sentence to make a joke work, waiting anxiously for feedback from friends and anonymous readers. Days, months, years spent on a craft that I hoped would one day result in dozens of successful scripts and my very own Scrooge McDuck-style swimming pool of gold coins.

But, having spent some time on the ShopBop site, I think it’s safe to say that it’s official: I’m definitely in the wrong line of work.

All that time spent slaving over a hot computer and I could have been buying bathmats at Target for $14.99, then reselling them for $1,500 on ShopBop.

I know, it seems pricey, but just think about it this way: buy one of these skirts and you won’t have to spend another dime on towels. Given how ineffective public restroom hand dryers are, I think we can all agree that a wearable towel is definitely worth $1,500.

ShopBop Ellery Versatile Ruffled Shade Skirt – $1,500

Yes, the likelihood of my sunshine-and-daisies positive attitude lasting longer than a day is slim – and if one more person forgets to card me, I might cut a bitch – but for the time being, as far as I’m concerned, I am so freaking positive woodland creatures help me do my chores.

Since I have bluebirds folding my laundry, I’m going to do a post of clothes from some of my favorite stores and designers. Most of the items are a step up from my usual jeans/t-shirt/sneakers uniform, so I’m choosing to think of this post as the clothes I plan on growing into this year.

And really, what’s more grown-up than ShopBop’s amazing collection of designers?

Left: Rodarte for Opening Ceremony Reverse Pleated Skirt – $322
Center: Catherine Malandrino Pleated Skirt – $325
Right: Haute Hippie Camo Iconic Miniskirt – $695

I’m not a flouncy skirt girl (or a sequined miniskirt girl for that matter), but these Malandrino and Rodarte skirts could change my attitude. And the camo is a nice take on the now ever-so-slightly overplayed sequin trend.

Left: Citizens of Humanity Dita Petite Boot Cut Jeans – $150
Center: Current/Elliott The Ankle Skinny Jeans – $168
Right: Paige Denim Petite Hollywood Hills Bootcut Jeans – $190

I love jeans. I can grow up style-wise, but I don’t think I’m going to be evolving past jeans anytime soon. I’m devoted to Citizens of Humanity, but I’ve always been curious about Paige Denim. As for the Current/Elliott skinnies – honestly, I doubt I’ll ever find a pair of skinny jeans that doesn’t make me look misshapen, but these are very on-trend for spring and I’d love to be able to wear them with a drapey silk tank.

Left: Marc by Marc Jacobs Marcelle Stripe Shirtdress – $248
Center: Equipment Signature Shirt – $258
Right: Alice + Olivia Haylen Lace Blouse – $275

Three pieces of clothing that could be straight out of Zooey Deschanel’s closet. While I find her to be insufferably twee, she does have a wardrobe I’d love to raid. Granted, she’d probably start randomly singing because she is compelled to spread her magic pixie dust through song, but if I manage to hide my rolling eyes, I’m sure I’d come away with some clothes very similar to the three finds above.

Left: Halston Heritage Swing Cocktail Dress – $365
Center: Diane von Furstenberg Isadora Dress – $975
Right: Herve Leger Metallic V-Neck Dress – $1,350

I have absolutely no reason to buy a dress that costs more than $300, but in my fantasyland I have weekly social engagements – galas, cotillions, charity balls … pretty much anything in an episode of Gossip Girl – that require an endless wardrobe of dresses. The way I see it, if you’re going for a look, go authentic. Something flowy and swingy? Halston. Slinky and 70s inspired? Without a doubt, DvF. And while I’m over the bandage dress trend, if you’re looking to squeeze into something tighter than sausage casing, you might as well go with the real deal.

Left: Christian Louboutin Beauty 100 Leather Pumps – $695
Center: Christian Louboutin Rolando Platform Pump – $795
Right: Christian Louboutin Balota Heels – $1,195

Okay, these aren’t on ShopBop.com, but did you really think I could get through a wishlist post without including a few pairs of super-fancy shoes? I went with the tan pumps because they’re daintier and less overtly sexy than most Louboutin offerings. The Rolando platforms have a zipper and zipper pull on the heel which is just a cool little addition. As for the Balota heels … I made this joke in my Emmys-themed Friday Feets, but I’ll say it again: if, tomorrow morning, I woke up and looked like Blake Lively, I would wear these shoes as soon as possible.

I started this post on my birthday but didn’t finish it until a day later, so I’ve decided it’s still my birthday (in fact, it might be my birthday until I finish my five nights straight of trivia hosting this week).

I’m really excited about this and I hope you guys will join me next week … and only partly because I have no idea how I’m going to find enough content to produce 10 shows a week …

Moving on, the post:

It’s been gorgeous all week, and it makes me want to buy a new spring wardrobe. I haven’t been loving American Eagle these last few seasons, but if there’s one thing they do right, it’s light summer wear. Here’s a bunch of light summery things I’d like to have in my closet.

Left: American Eagle Faded Stripe Rolled Sleeve T – $10
Center: American Eagle Lace-Trimmed Floral Cami – $24.95
Right: American Eagle Chiffon Sleeveless Cami – $34.50

Left: American Eagle Destroyed White Denim Miniskirt – $29.95
Center: American Eagle Printed Flare Skirt – $34.50
Right: American Eagle Floral Asymmetric Ruffle Skirt – $34.50

Left: American Eagle Embroidered Tie-Front Tunic – $34.95
Center: American Eagle Wispy Chiffon Dress – $34.95
Right: American Eagle Eyelet Lace Sundress – $39.95

Left: American Eagle Leather Wraparound Cuff – $15.50
Center: American Eagle Leather Wrap Bracelet – $15.50
Right: American Eagle Purple Braided Cuff – $17.50

Left: American Eagle Colorful Braided Leather Belt – $19.50
Center: American Eagle Pyramid Stud Belt – $29.80
Right: American Eagle Wide Braided Belt – $34.50

Thanks for reading guys, and thanks to all of you who have sent me emails or left really sweet comments on the blog or the fanpage. I really appreciate it.

Hope to see you guys next week over at Gabcast!

I was so desperate to find something, anything to post about, I even looked through J. Crew in the hopes of finding a denim jumpsuit or sequined sweat pants. Unfortunately, all I found were summery tops, cute dresses, and any number of other things I wanted to buy.

Here are a few of those things.

Left: J. Crew Finespun Draped Tank – $39.50
Center: J. Crew Stripe Button-Back Tee – $39.50
Right: J. Crew Silk Layering Tank – $75

Left: J. Crew Perfect Shirt – $78
Center: J. Crew Natalie Studded Sweater – $395
Right: J. Crew Metallic Slouch Sweater – $118

Left: J. Crew Garden Skirt – $89.50
Center: J. Crew Pencil Skirt in Super 120s – $118
Right: J. Crew Le Soleil Tweed Mini – $225

Left: J. Crew Jetty Dress – $79.50
Center: J. Crew Heirloom Shift Dress – $495
Right: J. Crew Maryanne Suede Wedges – $150

Left: J. Crew Silk Chiffon Evie Dress – $195
Center: J. Crew Farrah Dress – $250
Right: J. Crew Menara High Heel Sandals – $235

Anything you guys like at J. Crew? Post it in the comments – there are now custom avatars, a “Notify Me of Follow-Up Comments” option, and this thing called CommentLuv that lets you link to your last blog post. So go play with the new shiny toys already, and thanks for reading!

In the meantime, I’m going to present without comment some of my favorite things by Alice & Olivia, a line that I love even if I can’t justify spending $400 on a dress (and even if I could, I doubt that their designs would work for my body).

But their stuff is just so. damn. pretty.

Left: Alice & Olivia Timpi Beaded Boxy Tee – $368
Center: Alice & Olivia Sequin Dress – $307.99 or $289 on Bluefly
Right: Alice & Olivia Cabella Tank Dress – $297

Left: Alice & Olivia Rina Asymmetrical Drape Top – $242
Center: Alice & Olivia Beaded Brittany Dress – $550
Right: Alice & Olivia Leather Tulip Skirt – $495

So there you have it: six things that, had I hit in big in Vegas last weekend, I would buy and put in my “Pretty Stuff I Can’t Wear” Closet.

Have a good weekend and thanks for reading! I’ll be back next week with a regular posting schedule – for real this time.

Two of those three reasons – my love of clothes and my impossible-to-dress body – are what inspired my new “When I get rich” dream: that one day, when I’m super rich, I’ll be able to buy clothes that I can’t wear. I’ll have a special closet dedicated to these clothes, full of mannequins and display racks. Even if I can’t wear the clothes, I’ll be able to enjoy them. It’ll be just like collecting art, except the flouncy Forever 21 skirt’s probably not going to appreciate.

With that in mind, today’s Friday Feets is devoted to clothes I’ve found over the last week that I really want to buy but either can’t afford, can’t justify, or can’t wear.

There’s absolutely no cohesive look to any of these, which is bothering me to no end, but oh well.

Left: Forever 21 Buckled Cross-Body Bag – $19.80
Center: Old Navy Lightweight Roll-Up Shirts – $29.50
Right: J.Crew Navy Schoolboy Blazer – $188

I’m really liking this cross-body bag (which wasn’t available when I made last week’s post on the style). This might be coming home with me next time I visit a Forever 21 – which, given my frequent trips to the mall, could be as soon as this afternoon. Wearing it with this Old Navy shirt would create what the magazines always call a “military-inspired look.” Button-down shirts are a tough fit on me, but I love them and am eternally hopeful that one will fit right.

As for the J.Crew blazer, I’ve been obsessed with it for ages, and J.Crew keeps playing an evil trick on me: every time I go in, there’s always one blazer – always in my size – in the sale section. I try it on, and am shocked by how perfectly it fits. I skip happily toward the register with my new best friend. Once I get to the register, the cashier rings me up, and I am always shocked to find that the jacket is full-priced. With my head hung low, I forlornly tell the cashier that no, I won’t be buying this perfect little blazer, but please make sure it goes to a good home.

Left: Forever 21 Blossom Print Skirt – $19.80
Center: Madewell Floral Croquet Dress – $168
Right: Talbots Amour Floral Dress – $169

Things I do not wear: florals. Really, prints in general, so it’s not like I’m anti-floral, but I really don’t have a need for them. They’re a little too girly for my taste – plus, I’m always self-conscious that prints make me look “bigger.” If you look in my closet, you will find many plaid skirts, several black dresses, four pairs of Converse – but not a single floral print.

Still, with spring around the corner, I can’t help but be drawn to the feminine wiles of the floral print. The Forever 21 skirt is bright and cheery, but much too full for my body type. Madewell clothes almost universally don’t fit me right, but that doesn’t stop me from running through the store with an armful of floaty dresses and drapey tops, telling the pretty girl in the skinny jeans and layered necklaces that yes, I would love for her to start me a fitting room. Then I feel terrible, because I’m pretty sure nothing’s going to fit and this nice woman has no idea that she’s going to be stuck having to restock all the float dresses and drapey tops.

As for the Talbots dress – I don’t often use the term “romantic’ to describe a dress, but that dress is so gorgeously romantic. It’s like the French countryside in dress form

Left: TopShop Salmon Tiered Tee – $36
Center: TopShop Mustard Scallop Crop Shirt (Petite) – $50
Right: TopShop Mint Pussybow Blouse – $75

Three tops that would not work on me, but they sure are pretty. With all these tops, the colors are what really sells me on them – the colors are so springy and young. The salmon top would be great on someone a little less busty than I am – someone who wears skinny jeans and ballet flats, rather than flares and Converse. The same goes for the scallop-edged top – it’s cropped, and I have a short torso, so it’s not going on my adorably stocky frame any time soon. And for all the times I’ve made fun of Lucky Magazine for relentlessly pushing tie-neck blouses, I have to say … I would totally wear this top tucked into some wide-legged slacks or a full skirt.

Left: Forever 21 Polka Dot Dress – $27.80
Center: TopShop Grey Spot Floaty Skirt – $70
Right: Anthropologie Take Action Dress – $168

Like I said before, I don’t wear patterns. I would love to wear polka dots – they’re so damn whimsical (yes, whimsical. I said it). Of course, while I might be quirky or touched in the head, I’m not exactly whimsical. Whimsical requires a degree of lightness, a bicycle with a woven basket and giant doe eyes.

To clarify: the bicycle and doe eyes are two separate things. Because a bicycle with giant doe eyes wouldn’t be whimsical, it would be horrifying.

The point is, lots of whimsical polka dots and floaty fabrics. Things I can’t wear but would love to – I keep wanting to pick one in particular, but I can’t. All three are so perfect for what they are and the purpose they serve. Which is to say: whimsy.

Left: Asos Scallop Detail Shift Dress – $62.76
Center: TopShop Leather A-Line Skirt – $125
Right: TopShop Tangy Peach Double Storm Flap Trench Coat – $180

I love scalloped edges on clothes, and this shift dress is perfect. Granted, I try to stay away from shifts dresses and neutrals, so this dress would go in my Great Hall of Unworn Clothes. But it sure is pretty, and every time I see it I keep thinking to myself, “If only …”

I love this leather skirt – brown is so much softer than a traditional black, and definitely more versatile. You could wear this skirt every day with a different top and manage to look fresh.

Left: Asos Over the Knee Rib Socks – $7.17
Center: Asos Bow and Dot Ankle Sock – $7.17
Right: TopShop Ribbon Pelerine Knee Socks – $14

Of late, I have become slightly obsessed with socks – especially over the knee socks I can wear with boots. I love these green socks, mostly because they’re so decidedly … green. I’d even go so far as to say they’re unrelentingly green. That’s a dedication to garishness that I can really get behind. The exact opposite of these green socks is these grey socks that can only be described as … sweet. With the open knit, the bow, and the rich grey, it feels like something you’d see on a first-season minion on Gossip Girl.

This month’s Lucky has a feature on fashion rules you should be breaking (the new Lucky is amazing, by the way). One of those rules is “no socks with sandals.” Of course, they leave out some crucial details of the original edict: when someone says “no socks with sandals,” they mean “no white crew socks with a worn-out pair of Birks.” They don’t mean “no adorable polka dot socks with cool t-strap platforms.” This is one of those trends I can’t pull off – even with freakishly long legs, I’m still short and stocky – but I love seeing it in editorials.

Left: Forever 21 Leatherette Peep Toe Heels – $28.80
Center: TopShop Luminate Grey Ankle Strap High Heeled Sandals – $145
Right:Talbots Ankle Strap Leather Platforms – $169

Speaking of sandals and socks … any of these three would pair happily with some cute socks (in an editorial, anyway). I’ve been trying to find a way to work these Forever 21 heels into a Friday Feets for a while. I really like the cutouts and the stacked heel – the whole shoe feels summery and sophisticated, a style that I am currently lacking in my shoe collection. These Talbots heels are the classier, dressy night out version of the Forever 21 shoes. I included these TopShop shoes because they’re different from the ones I normally post. They’re a little too structural for me, but they’re different, and the colors remind me of the best show ever, Miami Vice. Also, they have velcro straps, which could lead to hours and hours of very satisfying ripping and re-sticking.

Hey, look, I managed to complete a Friday Feets on time! Yay, me. I’m going to go celebrate, hope you guys have a good weekend, and thanks for reading!

I guess that lack of vision is why I’m a lowly blogger and not a designer.

Shoshanna High Tide Print Skirt Cover Up – $85