Which is why I’m giving this searcher the benefit of the doubt.

After all, they might just be a music aficionado. Who can forget the classic jazz standard “Rock That Bitch Hard,” as made famous by Dean Martin? And of course, there’s the little known fact that the original lyrics to Queen’s “We Will Rock You” were: “We will/We will/Rock that bitch hard with our meat.” Freddie Mercury changed the lyrics after complaints that it was too difficult to chant at hockey games.

It’s also possible that they are referencing the French New Wave film Rock Qui Salope Dur Avec Votre Viande. At the time, it was considered revolutionary for its use of nonlinear narrative, but in recent years it has fallen out of favor due to the controversial scene in which the lead character beats a dog with a side of beef.

The person could also be researching the war of 1812. It has been widely reported that “Men, let us rock that bitch hard with our meat!” was the battle cry of Commander Oliver Hazard Perry as he led American troops to victory at the Battle of Lake Erie. Yes, there are many explanations for why someone would be searching for “Rock that bitch hard with your meat.”

As for this search … yeah, I’m not even going to try to explain it.

I hope both searchers found what they were looking for. However, judging by the fact that they never came back to the blog, I’m guessing they didn’t find it here.

I mentioned this on the fanpage but: after my awesome “convert a bunch of tags to categories” spree the other night, I have now realized that this screwed up a bunch of the links within my posts.

Given that there are nearly 700 posts and I really don’t want to spend the next day and a half reading all of them, I need some help. If any of you would be willing to look through a month or two worth of posts looking for broken links, I would really appreciate the help.

If you’re up for the challenge, email me at youwantmetowearwhat@yahoo.com for assigned months. In exchange, you will get a gold star and my eternal gratitude. Also, a mention in a thank-you post. And maybe some taffy.

Okay, there probably won’t be taffy. Unless you have taffy while you’re re-reading posts. In which case, there will be taffy.

Strangely enough, they haven’t made any return visits. I can’t imagine why.

Edited to add: Apparently “ballet flat groin kick” is a thing, because someone else searched for the same thing.

In sum – if you want to find this blog and can’t remember its title, just Google “ballet flat groin kick.” Apparently everyone else does.

Seventeen Magazine’s been doing this “Body Peace” thing to combat all the body image issues and eating disorders afflicting women born in the last 30 years.

It’s been at least 30 years worth of women who spend a good part of their day thinking about food, staring at their body, pushing for just ten  more minutes on the elliptical and over-salting their food so they can control their portions.

A chart I made two years ago obsessively tracking my weight over a month.

Maybe my view’s just skewed from growing up in LA and being part of a demographic prone to eating disorders (white and upper middle class overachievers), but judging by the 70,000+ signatures on the Body Peace petition, I don’t think I’m wrong. We’re all at war with our bodies in some way or another.

I’m not one to throw stones here – I have many, many of my own issues. This blog is a result of my body issues. In the beginning, I viewed all the clothes through the lens of “How unflattering would this be on me?” Reading one of my earlier posts, I’m horrified to see my own words referring to myself as “heavy.”

Somewhere between ages 8-10, before I knew I hated my body.

In truth, I’m not heavy, but I’ve felt that way since I was 13. I’ve only started to sort of accept myself in the last year, thanks to therapy, a boyfriend who listens to me talk about food and body fat incessantly, and some major personal honesty. Part of me wants to go into it further, and maybe I will in a little while, but that’s not the point of this post.

The point is that Seventeen’s push for “body peace” is great, but their promises of “Your Best Bikini Body” aren’t helping things.

I get why they’ve put out a fitness mini-mag with my current girl crush Nina Dobrev on the cover (I’m a little obsessed with her, thanks to recapping Vampire Diaries for You Know You Love Fashion – her hair is so shiny). Nina Dobrev’s body is amazing. I’d love to know how to get her awesome bod without working out.

Because, y’know, celebrities hate working out and dieting, so they just don’t do it. That’s the secret they’re always more than happy to share with every magazine that asks. “I just eat what I want but in moderation, and I have great genes.”

I grew up in LA. There’s not a lot of eating in moderation and good genetics in this town, unless “eating in moderation” means “eating when there are cameras” and “great genes” means “trainer seven days a week for two hours, because the studio says I have to lose 10 pounds.”

Which is fine, because their job is to look better than the rest of us. That’s what we expect out of celebrities. They are our Greek Gods, our unattainable ideals. The only difference is, I doubt Greek women poured over magazines trying to find ways to get Athena’s grey eyes or Demeter’s blond hair.

But we do. It’s a simple, unchanging fact.

So when Demi Lovato admitted that she had been in rehab for an eating disorder and bipolar disorder, I was really impressed and kind of proud of her. And I felt a kinship with her – which is weird, because I don’t normally care one way or the other about most teen celebrities.

I tweeted about it, and Demi Lovato retweeted it, so I wound up with like, 40 new Twitter followers, all of whom had either “Demi” or “Miley” in their name. A little unexpected, but I really hope they’re reading this. I know that a lot of them are struggling with the same things that Demi is, and the same things that I am, and probably some of the same things that Nina is – that we can’t let our bodies just be, no matter how many Seventeen-sponsored promises we sign.

Their Body Peace Treaty is a great start, but the problem isn’t just that we can’t come to terms with our perceived shortcomings. There are so many other factors and so much else at play. Real body peace probably isn’t possible. At the end of the day, the most we can hope for is a cease-fire.

And even for that, we need some help. We need to hear from magazines that we’re okay how we are, but not just with a condescending “love who you are!” article followed by three pages of diet tips and an article about Jennifer Hudson’s amazing body makeover.

Because no matter what, you know you aren’t the hottest.
But this article will fix you.

Magazines don’t cause eating disorders or most body image issues, but they sure as hell provide a nice echo chamber for our own hatred.

Which is why I’m asking – as futile as it may be – for the following things:

1. That we stop buying magazines that promise to make our bodies perfect.

2. That magazines stop promising to give us perfect bodies and start featuring real girls talking about how they stay fit, how they stay active, and how they stay healthy.

3. That both we and the media be a little nicer to ourselves and celebrities. Seventeen’s fitness mini-mag had a whole feature on “OMG Body Makeovers!” with before and after shots of celebrities who used to be too fat, too thin, or too untoned but are perfect now. Was that really necessary? Are any of the National Enquirer “Best and Worst Beach Bodies” really necessary?

We can’t just expect magazines to change, because we haven’t given them any reason to. So, can we please all start working together to make things suck just a little less?

I keep re-reading this post, feeling like I’ve left something out. I think it’s partly because I know there isn’t a real solution,  and because I can’t really fault Seventeen for making this mini-mag. Maybe tomorrow, or in a month, I’ll really know how to express the deep disappointment I feel over their approach to the fitness mini-mag.

But for now, because Seventeen said they were listening, this is the best I can do. I just wish I could do more.

Since I have work in two hours and am covering this week’s episode of Gossip Girl for You Know You Love Fashion, I’ve decided that it’s time to call it a day and just accept that no, I will not be posting anything today.

So instead, here’s a panda dancing to the Bed Intruder Song.

In the meantime, watch this video of a Kobe Bryant superfan.

Pretty, right? The colors make me think of a Palm Spring resort in the 60s. I have no idea if that’s accurate, but the sunbleached neutrals and warm  honeysuckle and amberglow have a soft vintage feel to them. In honor of the faceless panel that dictates what colors we will be wearing for a season and then discarding, this week’s Friday Feets is …

I tried to get as close as I could to the colors, but it’s tricky – not a ton of honeysuckle shoes out there.

Left: Mossimo Ruffle Ballet Flats – $4.54
Center: Merona Meaghan Ruffled Flat Shoes – $19.99
Right: Merona Marlis Suede Sliver Wedge Shoes – $24.99

There were tons of ballet flats in these colors – I had a hard time finding shoes that weren’t flats. Target’s on top of all the colors already. Maybe there’s a connection? Could they be associated with the puppetmasters pulling all our strings?

Left: Mossimo Black Peri Platform Pumps – $16.48
Center: ModCloth Cute Couple Heel – $133.99
Right: Steve Madden Prosprus Heels – $149.95

The Mossimo shoes are a nice alternative to the Steve Madden heels, but I can’t speak to the quality. Given that they’re $17, I’m guessing the suede won’t look quite as finished as the Maddens will. Looking at the pictures, the Mossimo heels definitely look a little more felt-y, but that could just be a bad photo. The ModCloth heels are a few shades off of both Phlox and Deep Teal, but the colors work anyway.

Left: Steve Madden Russhh Heels – $89.95
Center: Talbots Leather Ballet Flats – $109
Right: Kate Spade Elaina Flats – $225

I don’t know why two of the three shoes I found in honeysuckle were flats, but it kind of makes sense – it’s such a ladylike, girly color, it really works as flat. The pink doesn’t have the same impact in a heel – or maybe that’s just me and my love of brights getting in the way of my better judgment.

Left: Asos Lucky Grosgrain Point Ballet Pumps – $44.83
Center: Steve Madden Alpiine Boots – $159.99
Right: Dolce Vita Jollen Espadrille Platforms – $170.34

Of the colors for fall, Amberglow might be my favorite. I really like those Alpiine boots – when it’s winter, I wear black boots constantly, but these would transition nicely into spring. The flats again are a shade off – the purple’s kind of what would happen if you  mixed together honeysuckle and phlox – but I do like the coral accent and bow. I wore a pair of espadrilles to a baby shower this weekend (had to actually look like an adult for a change), and while walking in them is a little easier, I still have a hard time dealing with platforms, so I’m not wild about these espadrilles … but they are definitely summery and perfectly suited for someone a little more coordinated than I.

Left: Jones New York Edenne Wedge Sandal – $59.95
Center: Steve Madden Haylow Sandal – $79.95
Right: Pour La Victoire Morgan Flats – $116.99

It’s really hard to find shoes that match the cedar color. Really, really hard. I love cedar as a color for walls – if I ever have more than one room, that’s definitely the color I’m painting my office. I’m not crazy about it on shoes, but the metallic sheen on these Jones New York platforms definitely helps to make it work. The Haylow sandals aren’t really any of the colors, but I threw it in there because seriously, you guys, I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time finding honeysuckle shoes, but it feels impossible.

Left: Pour La Victoire Rebecka Mary Janes – $129
Center: Sam Edelman Jewel Peep Toe Bow Strap Heels – $251.02
Right: Christian Louboutin Luly 140 Pumps – $668

The neutrals, all in my beloved Mary Jane style. I don’t know why I love Mary Janes and plaid skirts so much … maybe because I never had to wear a uniform to school?

Left: Boutique 9 Dolled Suede Platform Pumps – $112
Right: Pour La Victoire Bianca Pump – $153.97

Not really part of the color palette, but I loved these shoes too much not to post – especially the Pour La Victoire ones. If they came in my size, I’d already have my credit card out so I could pair it with brightly colored tights – alas, I found them too late and will never get to feel them lovingly pinch my big toes until I can’t walk.

Thanks for reading, and have a good weekend! Next week all is back to normal … and if you’re bored over the weekend, check out my new impulse project, InspirationOlmos. If nothing else, it’s a great example of why the internet is so dangerous: I thought of it, which means I can do it, which means that it now exists. We’ll see how long it lasts before I lose interest in my relentless pursuit of pictures of Edward James Olmos.

In honor of yet another beautiful day here in Southern California, today’s Friday Feets theme is …

Left: Old Navy Flip Flops – $3.50
Center: Cole Haan Air Elly Crisscross Wedge – $56
Right: J.Crew Perforati Ballet Flats – $138

Open toes, flip flops without any traction, perforated leather … definitely not practical for snowy weather. These brightly colored shoes are perfect for this mid-winter summer we’re having here in LA.  They make me want to buy a cotton sundress and ride a bicycle through the countryside. Essentially, they make me want to dress like Blair from the season 2 premiere of Gossip Girl.

Left: Stuart Weitzman Parup Mesh Strappy Sandals – $365
Center: Prada Beige Cutout Leather Platform Sandal – $576
Right: Yves Saint Laurent Tribute Cork Platform Sandals – $795

You definitely shouldn’t wear expensive sandals in three day old slush. I’ll be honest, I don’t understand why those YSL heels cost $795 – I’m pretty sure Jessica Simpson could knock those off for $135 – but they’re definitely cute.

Left: Steve Madden Karmma – $49.95
Center: Jessica Simpson Ely – $98
Right: Marc by Marc Jacobs Jovi Flat – $250

Blushes and nudes are popping up all over the place. I wouldn’t normally go for a neutral shoe (other than my beloved Platswoons, of course), but they definitely fall into the category of “shoes you don’t want to wear in grey New York snow.” I actually like the blush when paired with black – I’m having a hard time resisting the siren song of the Jessica Simpson heels. If I could wear flouncy dresses, I’d definitely wear the heels with one.

Left: Dolce Vita for Target Cork Wedge Sandals – $29.99
Center: TopShop Winnie T-Bar Espadrilles – $135
Right: Lilly Pulitzer Resort Chic Wedge – $198

I am loving Dolce Vita’s line for Target – at least, I’m loving it in theory. I’m reserving my final opinion until I can see them in person and make sure that the faux leather isn’t too pleathery. My biggest problem with espadrilles is that I have a rough time walking in them (I twisted my ankle last time I wore them). I don’t know why it’s so much harder for me to balance in espadrilles than run of the mill stilettos, but I guess that’s just another thing that makes me the unique spazzball that I am.

Okay, it’s been a long day and I desperately need some sushi and maybe some Yogurtland. Have a good weekend guys, and thanks for reading!

Also, if you like The Vampire Diaries, check out my fashion recap on Sunday over at You Know You Love Fashion. You can also find fashion recaps for Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars.

A Sign of Things To Come

I predicted the Aclogalypse long before the Aflockalypse, but shortly after the Snowpocalypse. I think the Aclogalypse is probably the worst of the three, though.

The One With the Flow Chart

I’m so ridiculously proud of this flow chart.

Brooklyn’s Mean Streets

I don’t know what’s scarier: that I semi-accurately predicted a plot from the season finale of Gossip Girl, or that my insane prediction was actually a plot from the season finale of Gossip Girl.

Aman With a Plan

Inspired by a troll, my six point plan to save the world.

Ferret Week

A week of Ferret clothing. Need I say more?

Gap’s New Logo

Remember when Gap changed their logo for like, five seconds purely because they believe that no press is bad press? Yeah, that.

American Idiots

A pretty recent post, but I’m so ridiculously proud of it.

Sesame Shore

Everyone else is going to dress as Slutty Elmo or Snookie. Break the mold and go as both.

A Vignette

Finally putting my BFA in Screenwriting to good use.

For Real and For True?

It’s a Woodland Critter Christmas and everyone’s invited!

Hot Topic Has a Fever

The moment I realized that I was afraid to go into Hot Topic for all the wrong reasons.

Introducing the Chambray Jumpsuit

A post that’s earned me several complaints from people who are totally not American Apparel employees with nothing better to do with their time. I don’t know why … I only called their boss creepy once.

A Public Service Announcement

The very first Public Service Announcement.

The British Have a Word For It

There was a time when I didn’t know what jeggings were. That time feels so long ago and far away now.

On Pajama Jeans

Because there are too many Pajama Jean commercials on TV right now to not repost this.

Shirley Manson Deserves Better

If I sell these t-shirts, will someone buy them? Because I kind of want them to be a thing, even if it involves copyright infringement.

The Panda Saga

It’s time for someone to knock these giant raccoons down a peg, and deforestation just isn’t cutting it these days.