Because sometimes a nude, skintight dress just isn’t subtle enough. The only way to really get your message across is with a road map.

Herve Leger Banded Mesh-Trim Dress – $3,200

Urban Outfitters Sparkle and Fade Fuzzy Bodycon Tunic – $19.99

Please, let me never be in a situation where I need to run into Forever 21 and buy a pack of deodorizing body wipes.

Thanks,

Amanda

Forever 21 Deodorizing Body Wipes – $1.80

However, every company is capable of a misstep here or there, such as selling “I’m too pretty to do homework” t-shirts or creating thongs for 8-year-olds.

Or, say, making red, heart-shaped sunglasses for young girls.

Y’know, run of the mill mistakes that just slip through the cracks.

Lollipop and Sting song sold separately.

GapKids Heart Sunglasses – $9.95

I have never been a big believer in The Secret, but I am changing my tune right now. Not only do I believe in it, but I’m asking everyone who reads this blog to believe in it, too.

Why?

Because I am hoping to will Kim Kardashian into dressing like Jessica Rabbit for Halloween. I even found her the perfect dress.

I mean, come on. Tell me this isn’t an exact replica of Jessica Rabbit’s sparkly red number.

Unlike the rest of us mere mortals, Kim wouldn’t even need padding. It’s perfect for her.

What makes it even better is that her new husband Kris can participate. After all, where would Jessica Rabbit be without her honey bunny?

Come on, people. Let’s make this happen. If we all put out the positive energy, maybe Kim will suddenly be struck by the urge to go as the greatest cartoon vixen of all time … and drag her husband along for the ride.

La Femme Slinky Sequined Evening Gown – $334

We are fortunate enough to live in a time when not one, but two great discoveries in the field of body language have been made within a span of 3 years. One of the few great contemporary minds in the field, Tyra Banks, revolutionized the study of body language when she discovered the smize in 2009. This is, of course, a feat which has gone woefully under-acknowledged – where is her prize, Nobel committee?

As I said, we are living in a time when two great discoveries have been made. The second, and possible the most revolutionary, has been made by the design team of J.Crew.

It has been dubbed “Floobing,” short for “Flirting With Your Boobs,” and it has profoundly changed physical communication.

In the past, if a woman saw a cute guy at the beach, her ability to convey sexual interest was hindered by the ever-present sunglasses worn by most beach-goers. With this bikini top, it becomes easy for a wearer’s cleavage to shoot come-hither glances from beneath long lashes. Your bosoms will be flirtier than Fifi the Slutty Feather Duster.

And she is one flirty bitch.

If you’ve ever felt that your cleavage lacked a certain something – a certain coy girlishness, maybe – then this is the bikini top for you. Just be careful how you use your newfound ability to floob. Researchers still do not know or understand the full extent of the power of the floob. Remember: with great floobing comes great responsibility.

Alternately: This is what happens when you spill Latisse on your favorite bathing suit.

Alternately: Martha’s newest crafts project involves a fun and flirty way to reuse old coffee filters!

J. Crew Ruffle Underwire Bikini Top – $24.99-$34.99

That’s right: we took their land, we gave them alcohol, and now we’re using traditional designs as a passing fad.

Navajo prints get an elevated update with this shimmery sheen maxi dress. Semi-sheer sleeves and dress with slip finishes at ankles.

If the Navajo Nation weren’t a sovereign state*, I’m pretty sure this dress would make them secede from the US.  It’s bad enough to blatantly co-opt another culture’s heritage, but to recreate it in polyester spandex? That’s unforgivable.

Try as I might, though, I can’t take issue with the description of the dress. After all, nothing screams “elevated” quite like shiny polyester. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been invited to a black tie event and found myself surrounded by glamorous women in dresses made from the same fabric as a cheap Halloween costume.

My favorite part is this customer review:

I just got this dress in the mail and I am beyond pleased with it. It is so classy and sophisticated. The material is fantastic and it is very well made. It is also comfortable. I feel like I could wear this to an evening party. Bebe , please get more long and elegant dresses!

Yes, Bebe. Please get more long and elegant dresses. It’s so rare that I find a dress that perfectly matches my stiletto moccasins. Now, if only I could find my buckskin Spanx …

Bebe Addiction Tribal Sheen Maxi Dress – Out of Stock (was $149)

*I absolutely love this clip:

• - Are you 17 but could pass for 29?
• - Are you the most popular girl in school but seem to only have three friends?
• - Have you been planning your prom since you were ten?
• - Do you wear short skirts, high heels, and/or are you cheer captain?
• - Do you regularly torment other girls at your school?
• - Are you absolutely convinced that you, and not that mousy girl with the glasses, is going to win prom queen?

If you answered “Yes” to three or more questions, congratulations: you’re the popular mean girl in every teen movie ever.

I know prom’s still seven months away, and you already have everything picked out, but I just want to remind you that you’re not allowed to wear a tasteful and expensive-looking dress. No, as the antagonist you’re required to wear a tacky, cheap dress. After all, how can the audience be expected to remember they’re rooting for the virginal underdog if there isn’t a slutty mean girl to compare her with?

So, Teen Movie Villainess, I have good news and bad news. The bad news, you’re going to end up humiliated and alone. The good news is, I’ve found some prom dresses for you, courtesy of the always-classy eDressme.com:

As I said, prom is still seven months away, but you probably want to start coordinating corsages with your boyfriend, even though he’s going to humiliate by leaving you halfway through the dance for the girl who wears glasses and paint-covered overalls. Plus, you’ll have to practice dancing in your prom dress for that big school-wide dance number.

Jasz Couture Sexy Semiformal Dress – $498
Jasz Couture Sexy One Shoulder Dress – $378
Dave and Johnny Jeweled Jersey Evening Dress – $209
La Femme Sexy Plunging Neckline Gown – $198

Are you ready?

I don’t think you’re ready.

Think of something awesome. Then multiply it by totally awesome. Then divide it by the logarithmic function of you’ve totally lost interest and have already scrolled down, haven’t you?

Yes, a slutty raccoon costume. I know it seems a little anticlimactic, but once I add a utility belt and a red cape, I’m going to have the best “Slutty ____” costume ever.

For I will be Slutty The Coon.

BuyCostumes.com Risky Raccoon Adult Costume – $66.99

Which isn’t to say I don’t have issues with some aspects of the show. Given that (presumably) you’re reading this blog for jokes about clothes and not for lengthy dissertations on storytelling, I’m not going to go down that path. I just felt I had to share that side of things, because otherwise my friend Sarah would read this and roll her eyes, thinking of all the hours she’s spent listening to my complaining about the show’s use of time jumps.

One thing about the show I’ve never criticized (good transition, right?) was Janie Bryant’s brilliant costume design. It is not hyperbolic to say that Janie Bryant’s costuming on Mad Men is inspired. If you want to devote an afternoon or sleepless night to fully understanding the nuances of the costumes, read Tom and Lorenzo’s posts about the show’s fashion – particularly their character posts. You’ll never watch the show the same way again – whenever you see Joan wearing purple, you will brace yourself.

Which leads me to my point  … okay, no it doesn’t, but I can’t always have brilliant transitions. I was originally going to write a whole post about Banana Republic’s fall Mad Men line, but it just seemed like so much work, and I am le tired. So I put it off and put it off and now it’s almost totally sold out, which means I can’t actually write a post about it.

Here is the general gist, though: Janie Bryant, I love you, but your personal collections have left me totally whelmed – which, until this point, I thought you could only be in Europe. Nothing about your QVC line or your BR line have jumped out at me in that “Gotta have it” kind of way. In fact, the only thing that’s jumped out at me is that you have an affinity for leopard print matched only by a mafia wife.

I don’t know much about period fashion, but when Tom and Lorenzo say that animal print was way more daring in 1960, I believe them. Leopard print feels, if anything, like late 1960s to me (and Wikipedia backs me up on this one).

Beyond that, though, leopard print is so commonplace now. None of these items look like they’re specific to the Mad Men collection – they could just as easily have been from last year’s fall collection. A mod print or some colorblocking would have felt way more unique (and the colorblocking would have been very on-trend). I realize that you’re working with a Gap subsidiary, Janie Bryant, but you went leopard-crazy with your QVC collection too, so I know it’s not just because Banana Republic bought too much leopard fabric and insisted you use it for all the accessories.

From left to right: Joan, Peggy, Betty … I think?

I worry that I’m being too hard on you – that maybe I have unreasonable expectations. But, at the heart of the matter, all I wanted was a fusion of 1960s silhouettes with a modern aesthetic. I wanted a fall line that didn’t look like every other fall line Banana Republic has had since the beginning of time. Essentially, what I was hoping for was a line a little more … well, like something Trina Turk might have designed.

Betty

Peggy

Joan

These are the designs you should be selling, Janie Bryant, not the leopard print accessories and poorly structured dresses and skirts. You’re better than the designs you’ve been selling. Unless you’re not really a designer at all, and you just have an eye for styling, in which case, please stop with the misleading “Mad Men inspired”  clothing lines. I’m tired of getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed like Sally’s self-esteem after a weekend with Betty.

Banana Republic Mad Men Collection – Prices vary
Trina Turk Jamison Belted Dress – $368
Trina Turk Lowell Dress – $385
Trina Turk Seabird Dress – $228
Trina Turk Mirren Belted Dress – $278
Trina Turk Mariposa Dress – $258
Trina Turk Spirit Dress – $376