It taught me so much – that it’s one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day. I learned that grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations, that girls at NYU aren’t at all particular, that Ren and Stimpy are way existential, and that Hamlet didn’t say “To thine own self be true,” that Polonius guy did.

From the age of 10 on, I have looked to Cher for guidance.

Apparently, I am not alone.

This is called the “Valley Party Dress.”

….

RIGHT?? How freaking awesome is that?

ModCloth Naming Committee, I have to give you snaps. Cher’s Alaia dress is way iconic, and this dress is equally worthy of refusing to get on the ground while being mugged. Will someone ask if you prefer “fashion victim” or “ensembly challenged.” As if!

Halloween is only six weeks away. If you are blonde and are not going dressed as Cher this year – well, it all boils down to one inevitable conclusion. You’re just totally clueless.

Cher’s closet and Paul Rudd not included.

ModCloth Valley Party Dress – $49.99

I found this awhile ago.  I don’t know about you, but every time I see it, I can’t help but think of Kira from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (yes, I watched it proudly when I was 12 and I am not ashamed.) And now I’m going to be responsible and balance my checkbook. Yay adulthood!

This is called a Chain Ear Cuff. Sorry, that’s the picture of Kira that Hannah included in her email. This is the Chain Ear Cuff: You can see how one might confuse the two pictures. This is perfect if you’ve ever looked at the jewelry counter at Bloomingdales and thought, “I like the layered necklace trend, but would love it if I could wear it on my ears.” Or if you’re in a post-apocalyptic world, because, if I’ve learned anything from Hollywood, it’s that even in a dystopia, women still love to accessorize.

And, apparently, it’s standard-issue at the Star Fleet Academy.

At least once a week, while pushing my hair off my face, I manage to pop my hoop earring out. This is why I only wear $3 Claire’s hoops. The idea of a chain earring makes me wince – so many more things for me to catch with my fingers, my hair, the buttons on my sleeve, the sales tag of the shirt I just tried on. This style is restricted to only the coordinated residents of the dystopia.

But let’s go back to that picture of the model for a second. It took me a while to figure out why this picture looked familiar, but I finally put it together: this is like the bondage version of “The Girl With a Pearl Earring.” It’s not just me, right? If Vermeer had been into the seedier side of the Dutch culture at the time, he would have painted Mistress Model instead.

Lady Grey Chain Ear Cuff – $176

These are from Victoria Secret’s Pink line, so I’m guessing that once rush week is over, every sorority girl on campus will be wearing these.

These shirts are less “Victoria’s Secret” and more “Victoria’s Self Esteem Issues That Lead to Her Bedding Men so She Can Feel Pretty.” Granted, that’s a lot of words to fit onto a shopping bag, and I’m guessing stockholders wouldn’t be thrilled with the name change.

I’m sure plenty of people will think these are cute and I’m just being … well, me. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being forward, or (to get all feminist up in here) that there’s anything wrong with a woman displaying her sexuality.

But there’s no art – no nuance. Even the old Abercrombie t-shirts bothered with puns. I’m pretty sure they got the puns off a frat house’s bathroom wall, but at least there was an attempt at wordplay.

In comparison to those Pink shirts, Abercrombie has a Noel Coward-esque wit.

Could less effort have been put into those shirts? The only way you could put less thought into these shirts is if one simply read “Sex.” But even then, it could be seen as a statement about suggestive t-shirts, so I take that back. These shirts are the lowest common denominator. The shirts are as devoid of thought as you can get without going back around to commentary.

So, to those who designed these shirts: congratulations, I guess?

Victoria’s Secret Sleep Tee – $18.50

The minute I got home, I searched the website for a picture so I could write about them. I couldn’t find them online. I figured that maybe it hadn’t gone onto the website yet, and if I waited a couple weeks, the overalls would turn up.

They never appeared.

I began to wonder if this was some fever dream; a fashion hallucination. Maybe a year in the bad clothing business is all I can take. Maybe it finally broke me, and for the rest of my life, I would have post-traumatic stress flashbacks to the Aclogalypse.

But then, as I was surfing Urban Outfitter’s website this morning, I found this.

It’s not direct evidence. It’s not the monster’s carcass. But it’s the bite on the wing of the plane, and that’s close enough for now.

The Gap’s overall dress was  not an isolated incident. It’s a movement. I can’t say for sure how it began, but my hunch is it went something like this:

Designer 1: Hey, remember when we convinced everyone that Hammer pants were a good idea?

Designer 2: Oh man, that was awesome. We should do something like that again.

Designer 1: Yeah, but what?

Designer 2: I don’t know … something retro, like the Hammer pants, but more juvenile. Something nostalgic.

Designer 1: Nostalgia – it’s delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound.” It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel. It let’s us travel the way a child travels – around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.

Designer 2: So, overalls?

Designer 1: That works. Let’s go celebrate with hookers and blow.

Fin.

And that’s (roughly) how this happened:

These are magical proportion overalls. From the front, they seem too big. But is it just me, or do these look almost comically small on her from behind? It looks like she stole them off a small child boy.

I can’t imagine that these would work wonders on anyone’s figure. I can see a pair of overalls being kind of spunky and adorable on one of those hipster girls who wear single earrings and those big New Wave hats. So, essentially, everyone on Lookbook.

But this trend isn’t solely targeted toward the handful of people around the globe who are so sartorially gifted that they can belt a garbage bag and make it look good. If it’s in America Eagle, that means they expect enough fresh-faced, absurdly happy teenagers to buy this.

And buy it they will. My only hope is that, in 20 years when their children see their yearbook pictures, they laugh hysterically and ask why their mom was dressed like a farmer. Then the children will hop in their hovercrafts and fly to the virtual mall to hang out with their robot friends. Because it’s the future, and as a society, we’ve moved beyond overalls and Hammer pants. Granted, we’ll all be wearing pointy dresses, but I think that’s a small price to pay for getting to walk our dogs on floating treadmills.

I’d apologize for how quickly this post got weird, but it’s hard for me to stay logical when we’re dealing with overalls. It’s one of my great failings in life.

Urban Outfitters BDG Cord Overalls – $68

Of course, as any good rebel knows, rules are meant to be broken.

Tom Wolfe agrees, and has generously loaned the Chairman a white suit for the occasion.

Converse All Star Ox – $45

This may be my Converse addiction talking, but there is nothing that looks nicer than a brand new pair of Converse. They’re so full of promise, of all the comfortable adventures you have yet to have. Then you wear them once, they get scuffed and dirty, and they give you a blister because Converse are only comfortable once you’ve broken them in. But for that first step out the door, you have the perfect sneaker.

Of course, if you’re as crazy as I am, you wonder to yourself whether or not you should just never wear them outside so that they don’t get dirty. From that point it’s not long before you’re walking around your apartment wearing white Converse wrapped in plastic, and you’re that creepy neighbor whose apartment makes the whole hallway smell like cats and soup.

But at least your sneakers are white.

Funtasma Knee High Boot – $49.95

Sure, Funtasma’s shoes are geared toward “Slutty Noun” costumes, but sell some decent knee-high boots. It’s what your vintage 60s minidress is missing (and if you don’t have one and live in LA, American Vintage on Hollywood Blvd used to have an awesome stock for $20 each, not sure if they still do). And let’s be honest: you know you want a pair every time you hear “These Boots Were Made For Walking.”

Aldo Gutenberg Heels – $54.98

Because everyone has basic black heels.

Steve Madden Daarling T-Strap Sandal – $69.95

I might end up buying these. They’re perfect for wearing with jeans, and I don’t have many heels that work with jeans. Sure, I’ll have managed to spill something on them within 20 minutes of leaving the house, but they’d be great for someone less clumsy than I. Also, while I have no way of verifying it, that looks like a very comfortable footbed; a rare blessing in the land of heels.

So that’s it for Friday Feets this week. I want to thank my special guest, Tom Wolfe, for stopping by to offer his expertise. Hope you guys have a good long weekend!

True story: the year was 1994. I was at an all-girls camp on the east coast, and we had to send three letters a week home in order  to get Candy Canteen. My counselor confiscated my letters and refused to let me have my weekly sugar fix because – and I quote – “90210 is not a real zip code.”

I had to have the head of the camp show her my records as proof that yes, it was a real zip code.

I guess it’s fitting that the 90s have come back with a vengeance in the past year, just in time for such an iconic date. Walking into Wet Seal has become a surreal experience; much of their stock looks the same as when I first shopped there.

All it’s missing are some ripped tights and a pair of Docs. That would have been my dream outfit when I was 8.

Yup. Seeing them still fills me with a juvenile giddiness that I can only describe as “Oh my god, Snick is starting!”

The 90s are everywhere. It’s hard to escape the shoulder pads and high-waist pants that we all thought had been laid to rest with the advent of low-rise jeans and LFO’s anti-Chinese food diatribe, “Summer Girls.” But the 90s are back, and have been for a while. It’s a truth that must be accepted – the 90s are not just an era any more, they’re an industry.

Tell me you wouldn’t have seen this outfit on an extra in a “Blossom” episode. Pair it with a giant hat, and I think you’ve got a hell of a Halloween costume on your hands.

This 90s resurgence – because this is all about me – makes me feel old. Like, crazy old. The best movie ever made is 15 years old – which means that the movie is the same age as Tai. There are teenagers with drivers licenses who have never seen a map of the Soviet Union. I was in the car the other day alongside a 30-something year old guy who was blasting “August and Everything After” while his two kids played with their iPhones. Kelly Taylor became a teacher at West Beverly. When did we all grow up?

In truth, 90210 was a little before my time – I was born in 1985, so the trials and tribulations of the Walsh clan went over my head. That’s why, to me, what’s most off-putting about this 90s nostalgia is what I saw at Hot Topic the other day:

It was one thing when Busted Tees sold Beets t-shirts. But when a major retailer thinks there’s enough of a market for nostalgia gear – suddenly, I feel bad for rolling my eyes when my dad would hear Cream on the radio and say, “This really holds up. It sounds like it could have been made yesterday, doesn’t it?”

Sorry, Dad. I understand now. I’ll be saying the same thing about Toad the Wet Sprocket in five years.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch Clueless and Empire Records to console myself.

Side note: is it just me, or does Reptar kind of look like David Letterman?

Wet Seal Plaid Knit Dress – $16.99

Doc Martens – $124.95

Forever 21 Satin Rosy Skirt – $7.99

Hot Topic Doug Let It Beet T-shirt – $23

Hot Topic Rugrats Retpar Die Cut Backpack – $30

Hot Topic Salute Your Shorts Camp Anawanna Tee – $22

I changed my mind.

This is the Cutuout Reversible Mongolian Goat Fur Vest. What a fitting name for this vest. Of course it’s made of Mongolian goat fur. That was my next guess, after “Homeless Guy Hair.”

It’s that perfect mix of unwashed, curly and grey.

I would not be shocked to learn that Catherine Malandrino stole this vest from a Mongolian sherpa. Okay, maybe not stole – that seems a little involved for a major designer. So, let’s rephrase that: I would not be shocked to learn that she bought it from a Mongolian sherpa with an Etsy account.

Of course, she put a hell of a markup on it. But it seems perfectly reasonable – w0uldn’t you pay upwards of $1500 for a vest made of genuine unwashed homeless guy hair Mongolian goat fur?

Catherine Malandrino Cutout Reversible Mongolian Goat Fur Vest – $1500

I can only imagine that they would have quickly degenerated into this once my brother and I started fighting.

ModCloth Winter Bloom Earmuffs – $37.99

Most recently, I am ashamed to say, was the Katy Perry Addiction (admitting you have a problem is the first step). “I Kissed a Girl” repulsed me – what shameless pandering! I thought. Then my boss introduced me to “Waking Up In Vegas,” and I bought it on iTunes. I tried to explain it away, arguing that it was bought with a gift card, so it doesn’t count, and besides, I only got it so that I could dance around singing into my hairbrush, like Casey on “Greek.”

And then I heard “California Gurls.”

I tried to avoid it. I did. But there’s this radio station in LA called “My FM” and it plays a mix of really great rock and really bad pop, which is the music equivalent of crack for me. They’ve taken to playing “California Gurls” every fifth song, and I am powerless to change the station. The first time I heard it, I rolled my eyes at how bad it is (“so hot we’ll melt your popsicle” – really?). Then the second time I heard it, I thought it had a kind of catchy tune. By the seventh time, I was singing along and dancing in my seat because I HAVE A KATY PERRY PROBLEM.

As much as I try to fight it, there are certain things that, in spite of myself, I really like. It tends to go against the persona I’ve created for myself, resulting in this weird self-embarrassment, where I don’t want the Cool Amanda that exists solely in my head to know about this new realization. I worry that Cool Amanda will think I’m such a sellout.

Which is all a long lead-up to a clothing confession:

A week ago, I bought a fedora. This isn’t the exact fedora, but it’s similar enough, and both are from Urban Outfitters. Mine is black with a brown band. I wore it unironically this weekend to a bar. And you know what?

It looks good. I hate that it looks good, but it makes me look spunky as hell. I put it on in the store as a joke, and my boyfriend insisted I buy it.

At the time, I wrote it off as a fluke. I have a good face for hats, buying one fedora doesn’t mean anything. Sure I got a couple necklaces to layer with it, and I tried on a pair of skinny jeans. But that doesn’t mean anything, right?

But, over the next few days (and the purchase of a vest), I began to accept what was now obvious.

I think I caught hipster.

This leads to an obvious conflict. I’ve caught hipster but I unironically love crappy pop music. In fact, I so rarely enjoy things ironically, I’m worried this newfound hipster within will have nothing but disdain for Pre-existing Amanda. I fear that the two sides will do battle and leave behind a shell of my former self; will I become an Amanda so torn between sides that I’m reduced to shopping at Hot Topic for Kelly Clarkson shirts while wearing jeggings?

I’m so afraid, you guys. Stylish, but so afraid.

Urban Outfitters Gracie Newington Fedora With Silk Band – $48

This means that, instead of walking the red carpet with Lea Michele and Snookie, I’ll be sitting at home eating Yogurtland and calling my mom every few minutes to talk about how insufferably lame Jimmy Fallon is. So, not quite as glamorous an evening as I had planned.

And oh, the plans I had made. I can’t show you the dress (it would have been given to me by Catherine Malandrino), but I can show you the shoes I would have made my personal assistant buy. Which is why today’s Friday Feets theme is …

Chairman Kaga uses his Emmys as a bell pepper holder.

Christian Louboutin Declic Glitter Pumps – $675.00
Barbie pink and sparkly. I don’t care what my dress looks like, I don’t care what E!’s Fashion Police will say about me the next day. These are the most reasonably priced Louboutins I could find, and they’re everything one could ever want in a shoe.

Christian Louboutin Very Prive Platform Pump – $795.00
I know – simple, boring, staid. But if you’ve got to wear a basic black pump, you could do a lot worse than the Very Prive. Then again, describing these as “black pumps” is kind of like describing Lucy Liu’s outfit in Charlie’s Angels as “a black suit.”

Christian Louboutin Beaute Sparkling Peep Toes – $1331.50
Silver. Shiny. Would probably look good peeking out of a longer dress.

Christian Louboutin Tinazata – $1395.00

If, on Sunday morning, I woke up and looked like Blake Lively, these are what I would wear.

Christian Louboutin Studio 120 – $1895.00
God I love these shoes. I know they’re really similar to the ankylosaur shoe, but these aren’t spikey – they’re just pretty. I want to wear them to sleep at night, just so I can be awoken the next morning by the glints of sunlight reflecting off the metal studs.

The blog hit 900 fans on Facebook today – thanks for reading, guys! And hi to everyone who’s found this blog from Gaia online. Thanks for your support! Hope you all have a good weekend.

And if you got an invite to the Emmys, let me know what you wore (or what you would have worn, if Jimmy Fallon hadn’t sabotaged your invites, too).