Urban Outfitters Sparkle and Fade Fuzzy Bodycon Tunic – $19.99

It’s no secret that I am one of the many people who love Mad Men. From the reveal at the end of the pilot that Don was married all the way through his inexplicably proposing to the insufferably toothy Megan, I’ve watched every episode with rapt devotion. Even when I was left yelling “What?? No. What??” repeatedly at the television (see: above proposal), I still cared about every character to an almost unhealthy degree.

Which isn’t to say I don’t have issues with some aspects of the show. Given that (presumably) you’re reading this blog for jokes about clothes and not for lengthy dissertations on storytelling, I’m not going to go down that path. I just felt I had to share that side of things, because otherwise my friend Sarah would read this and roll her eyes, thinking of all the hours she’s spent listening to my complaining about the show’s use of time jumps.

One thing about the show I’ve never criticized (good transition, right?) was Janie Bryant’s brilliant costume design. It is not hyperbolic to say that Janie Bryant’s costuming on Mad Men is inspired. If you want to devote an afternoon or sleepless night to fully understanding the nuances of the costumes, read Tom and Lorenzo’s posts about the show’s fashion – particularly their character posts. You’ll never watch the show the same way again – whenever you see Joan wearing purple, you will brace yourself.

Which leads me to my point  … okay, no it doesn’t, but I can’t always have brilliant transitions. I was originally going to write a whole post about Banana Republic’s fall Mad Men line, but it just seemed like so much work, and I am le tired. So I put it off and put it off and now it’s almost totally sold out, which means I can’t actually write a post about it.

Here is the general gist, though: Janie Bryant, I love you, but your personal collections have left me totally whelmed – which, until this point, I thought you could only be in Europe. Nothing about your QVC line or your BR line have jumped out at me in that “Gotta have it” kind of way. In fact, the only thing that’s jumped out at me is that you have an affinity for leopard print matched only by a mafia wife.

I don’t know much about period fashion, but when Tom and Lorenzo say that animal print was way more daring in 1960, I believe them. Leopard print feels, if anything, like late 1960s to me (and Wikipedia backs me up on this one).

Beyond that, though, leopard print is so commonplace now. None of these items look like they’re specific to the Mad Men collection – they could just as easily have been from last year’s fall collection. A mod print or some colorblocking would have felt way more unique (and the colorblocking would have been very on-trend). I realize that you’re working with a Gap subsidiary, Janie Bryant, but you went leopard-crazy with your QVC collection too, so I know it’s not just because Banana Republic bought too much leopard fabric and insisted you use it for all the accessories.

From left to right: Joan, Peggy, Betty … I think?

I worry that I’m being too hard on you – that maybe I have unreasonable expectations. But, at the heart of the matter, all I wanted was a fusion of 1960s silhouettes with a modern aesthetic. I wanted a fall line that didn’t look like every other fall line Banana Republic has had since the beginning of time. Essentially, what I was hoping for was a line a little more … well, like something Trina Turk might have designed.

Betty

Peggy

Joan

These are the designs you should be selling, Janie Bryant, not the leopard print accessories and poorly structured dresses and skirts. You’re better than the designs you’ve been selling. Unless you’re not really a designer at all, and you just have an eye for styling, in which case, please stop with the misleading “Mad Men inspired”  clothing lines. I’m tired of getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed like Sally’s self-esteem after a weekend with Betty.

Banana Republic Mad Men Collection – Prices vary
Trina Turk Jamison Belted Dress – $368
Trina Turk Lowell Dress – $385
Trina Turk Seabird Dress – $228
Trina Turk Mirren Belted Dress – $278
Trina Turk Mariposa Dress – $258
Trina Turk Spirit Dress – $376

From Paleolithic cave drawings to Egyptian statuary, from Peruvian pottery to Roman frescoes, images of fertility and copulation have a long and storied history in mankind’s artistic development. - Dr. Jacques Humperdink, A Clinical Analysis of Pornographic Imagery

In keeping with this long and storied tradition, here’s a ring with two bears going at it. Should you choose to wear this ring, I suggest you steer clear of playgrounds. Inevitably, a small child will ask you what’s on your ring, then ask their mother to buy them a ring with the bears hugging from behind.

Also, avoid zoos, because you don’t want to over-excite the bears.

I want to buy several dozen of these and bury them in various locations with burnt offerings and pottery shards, so that one day archaeologists will think we all worshiped a bear fertility goddess.

Thanks to Amy Goudreau for posting this on the fanpage. Had she not posted it, I would have continued to live in blissful ignorance, unaware that you can wear ursine erotic on your hand.

Verameat Hibernation Hump Ring – $68

Check out Verameat’s website. It’s only 3% bear porn, and 97% awesome and creative pendants and rings, including but not limited to a Loch Ness monster necklace.

Halloween is approaching, and even the Blasé ModCloth Moddle is getting into the spirit.

It’s nice to see that even the most jaded among us still have some magic in their hearts.

ModCloth Lady of Song Hat – $62.99

You know how sometimes the clinically insane become convinced that the television is trying to communicate with them?

Is someone at Forever 21 trying to let me know that they’ve read the blog and they agree with me? Is it possible that, even within the fortified walls of Forever 21, there are members of the You Want Me To Wear What? rebel alliance conspiring in secret?

Then again, I did name him Kit because he looks like a fox and he’s at least part Shiba Inu, a Japanese breed, but I was pretty sure I would butcher the pronunciation of “Kitsune.” Could it just be a coincidence?

Nope. Definitely has to be a sign. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find Don Draper. He’s been telling me he loves me by blinking in Morse code while drinking scotch on Mad Men.

Forever 21 Japanese Fox Top – $15.90

It wasn’t till after I published this that I realized I’ve made two posts about dog-related clothes in as many days. Oops.

Many people complain that stores start pushing Christmas earlier and earlier every year, but my biggest issue is when they push Halloween early. I love Halloween, but it’s a decidedly “fall” holiday, and I’m just not ready to deal with it in July.

Now that I’m back at school, I’m starting to face the inevitability of fall. Halloween is becoming less of a threat and more of a promise: weather the next two months and you’ll be handsomely rewarded with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and winter break. I haven’t begun thinking about what I’ll be wearing for Halloween this year, but TopShop has already been generous enough to provide me with some material to kick off the first Costume Ideas post of the year.

Can you take a shot in the dark (or a spot in the dark) at guessing what costume I’m going to suggest?

Sure, Cruella de Vil didn’t have a dalmatian coat in the movie – actually, that’s kind of a big deal. The entire movie is about how she wants to skin 100 dalmatian puppies to make a coat – which, really, shows a lack of foresight. Wouldn’t it be more economical to skin 10 fully-grown dalmatians? Adult dalmatians are the size of a large pony. Is dalmatian puppy fur more supple, or was Cruella actually a plant from an anti-fur group trying to garner support for their cause? My hunch is that the Cute/Delicious Scale applies to fur as well (the Cute/Delicious Scale posits that the cuter the animal, the more delicious the meat – see: veal, lamb, kittens).

Right, the coat. So, Cruella might not have had a dalmatian coat, but let’s be honest: if anyone sees you wear this in real life, they will inevitably make the reference themselves. You might as well go with it.

The rest of the costume is easy – get a black mullet wig and spray half of it white, wear a black v-neck dress with red gloves, and carry a cigarette holder or an animal carcass. If you’re going to carry the animal carcass, I suggest creating a hybrid costume: wear glasses and a Sarah Palin wig, then go as Sarah Palin dressed as Cruella de Vil. It just works.

Of course, a Halloween costume isn’t really a Halloween costume these days if there isn’t a “slutty” options. Given that you can’t get particularly slutty with the coat, here are a couple black dresses from TopShop that will make your Cruella less Glenn Close as Cruella and more Glenn Close as Alexandra Forrester.

If the dresses are still too classy for you, you have two options: skip straight to lingerie or get a bikini made out of dalmatian fur. Then again, odds are that if the dress on the right is too classy for you, you’re probably a Kardashian and can afford a custom-made dalmatian fur bikini.

However: if you are a Kardashian, you might have to opt for accuracy rather than smuttiness – if you stray too far from the source material, people might think you’re dressing up as your mom for Halloween.

No matter how slutty or staid your version of Cruella de Vil ends up being, remember that no Cruella outfit is complete without an entourage of sexy dalmatians. It’s okay if they look bored or miserable, it’s part of the costume.

Remember, it’s not a holiday unless you’re humiliating your personal assistants because you crave attention like a zombie craves brains.

TopShop Contrast Dalmatian Swing Coat – $196
TopShop BodyCon Cutout Yoke Dress by Dress Up – $98
TopShop Lace BodyCon Dress by Dress Up – $140

As you’ve probably heard, the upcoming fourth season of Jersey Shore will be set in Italy, because MTV feels that Italy hasn’t been sufficiently punished for World War II. Alternately, MTV is still fighting the war and has resorted to biological and chemical warfare.

Either way, MTV’s plans backfired. The sentient petri dishes known as the Jersey Shore cast took Italy by storm. Italians eagerly embraced Snooki’s suggestion of pickle-flavored gelato. Women everywhere clamored for JWoww’s now defunct line of tastefully trashy evening wear. Silvio Berlusconi hired The Situation under the title of Chief Economic and Bunga Bunga Advisor.

Yes, it’s safe to say that MTV’s plans to crush Italy with air punching and smushing failed. Never was this failure more striking than with the shocking news from the Vatican that Pope Benedict XVI himself had requested an audience with our most beloved ugly Americans.

For weeks, this secretive meeting spawned questions and heated debate. What would the Pope have to say to our intrepid band of guidos and guidettes? Vatican experts were split among three schools of thought:

- The Situation had persuaded the Pope to rethink his stance on premarital sex.
- The Pope was suggesting an early and expedited canonization for all of them.
- The Pope also felt that Ronnie was dogging Sammi, and wished to convey this opinion to them directly.

It has now been revealed that all the experts were wrong. The real reason for the meeting was simply business: the Pope wished to discuss a celebrity collaboration between the Church and the cast of the Jersey Shore. In his spare time he had worked on some sketches, and he even had a solid buyer for the line. All he needed was the cast’s okay, and they could move forward with this new joint venture.

Never a group known for saying “no” to anything, the cast eagerly agreed, and a deal was struck between the Jersey Shore cast, the Vatican, and Forever 21.

According to Vatican insiders, this collaboration stems from the Pope’s concern that the Church is not as relevant as it once once, as evidenced by the fact that crucifixes haven’t been edgy since the 1980s. Others believe this confirms long-standing suspicions that the Pope was once rejected from FIDM and lends credence to the rumors that he attempted to redesign the Pontiffs’ robes with leopard lining to give it more “pop.” Either way, one thing is for sure: this collaboration marks the beginning of a beautiful, tacky, genital wart-ridden friendship.

Forever 21 Leo Cross Top – $13.80

Thanks to this Delia*s t-shirt, I have an awesome idea for a TV show.

It’s called Alpaca’s Pack, and it stars Ally Sheedy as Dolores Alpaca, a no-nonsense animal therapist who can, of course, talk to the animals like  a modern-day Dr. Doolittle. She’s just gone through a messy divorce and is trying to balance her workload with finding her footing in the dating world and butting heads with her rebellious teenage daughter (Miranda Cosgrove). Oh, and her uncle has given her a pet llama (voiced by Queen Latifah) with a penchant for Ray-Bans and sassy one-liners.

It’s perfect for USA Network. Someone send this post to one of their development execs immediately. I don’t have an agent or a treatment, but I’m sure that once they read this post, they’ll understand the brilliance. It stars an actress with “Oh yeah, what happened to her?” name recognition, the main character has an improbably impossible job and skill, and the show has a high quirk factor. What’s not perfect for this network? If your answer is “Well, it stars a Ray-Ban wearing llama,” then clearly you haven’t seen the posters for the latest season of White Collar.

For those of you wondering just how unhinged I become when confronted with blogger’s block, the working title was Me Llama Alpaca. It reduced me to a fit of hysterical, slightly manic giggles, so I decided it was maybe too awful even for USA.

Delia*s Save The Drama Tee – $19.50

My brother’s graduation speaker was Max Brooks, author of World War Z and the Zombie Survival Guide (also, he is the son of Mel Brooks, notable only because I sometimes like to imagine that Mel Brooks is my grandfather, making Max Brooks my imaginary uncle).

Max Brooks gave a speech about, among other things, zombies (also, abject failure, which was a refreshing change and something I wish more people had talked about as I was about to graduate college and embark on the next phase of my life, now affectionately termed “Amanda’s Epic Failure At Assistanting World Tour”).

As Max Brooks (I have to use his full name; saying “Max” is too casual and “Mr. Brooks” just feels a little formal for a guy explaining the game “Humans vs. Zombies” to a bunch of Baby Boomers.* Also, why am I using so many parentheticals today?) … I’m starting that sentence again.

As Max Brooks used a zombie analogy to inspire the graduates to aim for greatness, I couldn’t help but think that maybe – just maybe – zombies were a little overplayed. I don’t mean to step on any toes or cast aspersions about Max Brooks’ bread-and-undead-butter. I’m just saying that you know a meme is overplayed when the CDC picks up on it.

So what’s next? We’ve covered zombies, werewolves, witches, and vampires. What can we expect from the mythical creature meme pipeline?

It makes perfect sense: Unicorns are utterly wholesome and due for a makeover. In classical mythology, they were symbolic of purity and could only be touched by virgins. In modern times, they are emblazoned on Trapper Keepers and beloved by tweenaged girls and my friend Christine. Isn’t it time they became more?

Maybe they’re shadowy figures, fighting to protect the innocent, but some of them are still mad about being left behind by Noah during the flood. Or there could be were-nicorns who are human by day, but on crescent moons are transformed into unicorns. The options are endless.

All I know for sure is that they’re armed, they’re dangerous, and they’re back with a vengeance.

ModCloth Mythical Creature Earrings – $11.99

*How Max Brooks explained it: “There are humans. And there are zombies. And they versus each other.”

It’s Friday (Friday) and I’m hanging out at a Coffee Bean and feeling lazy, so here are some random ModCloth picks to take you through the weekend. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to eavesdrop on a bunch of strangers’ conversations, because there is nothing better than the inane things you hear at a Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills.

Left: ModCloth Big Pitch Dress – $49.99
Center: ModCloth Flight As a Feather Dress – $59.99 (out of stock, waiting list available)
Right: ModCloth Style Is Style Dress – $72.99

I doubt any of these three would work on me, but I love them all the same. My favorite is definitely the Big Pitch Dress – it looks like something straight out of Faye Dunaway’s wardrobe in Network.

It’s worth noting that the “Style is Style” dress is named after a blogger. Despite the fact that this dress marks yet another month that this blog goes unacknowledged by the ModCloth Naming Committee, I won’t let that prejudice my picks. It’s a cute dress. It might have been cuter if it were called the “You Want Me To Wear What Dress,” but it’s still a cute summer dress.

Left: ModCloth Karaoke Dokie Skirt – $39.99
Center: ModCloth Santa Barbara B&B Top – $42.99
Right: ModCloth Happy Bunch Skirt – $49.99

I’m a little obsessed with striped tops at the moment, and the Santa Barbara top is a nice change from the usual blue and white options. It has a nice drape and an open neckline – two things that make it perfect for early summer nights (or daytime in the perpetually chilly Santa Barbara).

On the other hand, I never wear patterned skirts, but these are two really cute options. The Happy Bunch skirt has a great vintage look to it, like it was made using housecoats and aprons from the early 60s. The Karaoke Dokie skirt is a fresh take on a zebra print – something I’d never consider wearing normally, but without the stark white/black contrast, it becomes much more accessible.

Left: ModCloth Water Signs Ring – $9.99
Center: ModCloth Salon Sophisticate Necklce – $19.99
Right: ModCloth Triple Threat Wedge – $74.99

I love stacking rings, I love art deco, and I’ve been living in a surprisingly comfortable pair of Old Navy cork wedges. This trio is my perfect storm of accessories. I’m especially intrigued by the wedges – I’m pretty sure they will last a lot longer than the Old Navy ones I’ve been living in.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to procrastinating by making fake Twitter accounts and really stupid Tumblrs. Have a good weekend!