Posts Tagged ‘Ed Hardy’
My earlier post on Ed Hardy swimwear was only about the board shorts because, initially I wasn’t even going to touch on womens swimwear. I actually skipped over it because, like a sane person, I figured there was no way they could make their hideous designs so overtly offensive on a small canvas like a bikini. There was a lone one-piece, but the design wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the board shorts. It seemedthat women had escaped from this Ed Hardy House of Horrors.
I was about to click out of the page when I stopped. My intuition kicked in and, like in a movie where the cop is looking for a serial killer, I returned to the page. “I thought I checked everything,” I said to myself. And then I realized: I hadn’t looked at the backs of the bikini bottoms.
Of course there’d be a giant tramp stamp on the back.
How could I overlook this the first time? Fortunately, this is the worst of the bikinis, but they all use the back as their canvas for tacky, fooling anyone who approaches from the front. It’s not until the innocent victim passes and looks back that their eyes are assaulted. It’s like Medusa, except instead of looking at her eyes it’s looking at someone’s butt, and instead of turning to stone it’s spontaneous vomiting.
Okay, that last part might be an exaggeration. Might be. But do you really want to be the one who tests to see if it’s an exaggeration? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
In the last few months, Ed Hardy has launched a huge ad campaign in LA. Everywhere you go, there are billboards or ads in bus stops. It’s been the same three ads of pretty people really enjoying their Ed Hardy gear – until now.
My boyfriend and I were at a street light on a major street when I saw it: a billboard of a blonde woman writhing on the beach, wearing a bikini. Innocuous, I thought. And then I glanced at the large text in the corner and realized what it was advertising.
“Oh my god,” I said. “Ed Hardy makes bathing suits.”
Scott glanced up at the billboard. “Well, that doesn’t look too bad,” he said. And it didn’t – from the angle she was lying at, it looked like a white bikini.
And he wasn’t wrong. The bikini didn’t look bad. But, as I then pointed out, this means they also make Ed Hardy board shorts.
I’m sorry you all had to see this, but it’s too important to put behind a cut tag.
These are Ed Hardy Board Shorts. No, correction: these are half Ed Hardy Board Shorts, half deception. The black side could pass for a normal, not douchey pair of board shorts, if not for the giant “ED HARDY” written down the side in white. No, really. It has a built-in Toolbag Early Warning System.
Side note: Is that Brody Jenner? Because if not, they found the perfect lookalike to capture the essence of Ed Hardy.
I’m guessing that the dragon design on the side isn’t just “decorative.” It’s a defense mechanism for the wearer, designed to scare off any sea creatures that may try to do the Lord’s work and eat the tool.
For the record: I’m not suggesting sharks eat Ed Hardy wearers.
But Orcas are really smart.
And no sea creature hates douchery more than Orcas.
Really smart.
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I woke up this morning to an email from Google telling me my AdSense account has been suspended. AdSense was the way I had planned on getting revenue from the site (and, over the last five months, it’s earned me about $40 from your ad clicks – I’ll never see the check now, but I really appreciate that you guys clicked the ads).
I appealed the decision, but this was the response they sent me. So, that sucks. Anyone know any other advertising services I can use?
Here’s the thing I want to stress: this blog is meant in good humor. I wouldn’t post about any of these sites if I didn’t surf them regularly because I like their clothes. I’ve posted repeatedly about stuff I like. As several of my friends can attest to, I was downright giddy when I saw ModCloth had commented for the first time, because I have nothing but respect for the people who work there – even if I do post about them a lot.
And I do. I post about them regularly, because I’m on their site all the time. If I weren’t unemployed and sharing a tiny closet with a guy who owns more clothes than I do, I’d be buying frilly dresses from them.
I know I’m not the only one, either. And I know that at least a couple of you have started going to ModCloth because I’ve posted about it here. I’m guessing that, when I post about a terrible shirt at Forever 21, at least a handful of you head over there and end up surfing through the site, because no press is bad press.
I’m not saying the clothes spontaneously combust; I’m not saying the retailers overcharge. I’m just saying that sometimes, they sell ugly clothes. I doubt that anyone here has not bought something I’ve posted, purely because I posted it. And if you have – well, I’m shocked that I have that much power over someone, because no one should ever listen to me about anything.
I’m just frustrated, because the last thing I want is to be considered malicious. By taking away my AdSense account, that’s what Google’s decided I am, and that kind of sucks. They also banned my account on my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All. So, like I said before: anyone know a good advertising service?
I don’t write the thing for ad revenue, I write it because people actually read it. It just sucks because it feels like the blog was picking up steam, and now it’s just been kicked in the shins.
Thanks for reading. Seriously.
- Amanda
The Ed Hardy line has expanded into many new avenues over the past few months. I’ve covered much of it in a series of Public Service Announcements, because I feel it is vitally important that we are aware of the enemy’s movements. After last week’s thrilling developments, I think it’s time to reasses where we stand.
So here are two new fronts that have been opened in the war against Ed Hardy:
I’m impressed that they’ve managed to squeeze this much douche on such small surfaces. But it actually works out for those of us trying to avoid Ed Hardy-wearers like the plague.
A shirt ends up in the wash, and you’re none the wiser until it’s clean again. But glasses are worn constantly. Picking a pair of glasses is part of a painstaking process. So when someone is wearing Ed Hardy glasses, that’s not just a whim. That’s a commitment to douchedom.
As for the lighters – well, the owner chose to forgo the standard cheap Bic lighters in favor of an Ed Hardy tattoo lighter. That just about tells you everything you need to know, doesn’t it?
Personally, I’m disappointed that they still haven’t branched out to condoms. At least then, they’d be doing the world a service for a change.
A few days ago, I said that sometimes, I think Marc Jacobs is playing a joke on the fashion industry.
I take it back. Little did I know the truth: Marc Jacobs is a fervent crusader for the fashion industry.
He’s suing Ed Hardy for copyright infringement.
According to my top legal sources, there is not yet a law allowing a person to sue a designer for marketing and selling ugly or tacky clothing and accessories. As such, Jacobs probably stood the best chance of winning his case by suing for copyright infringement, rather than the not yet legally recognized “fugliness.”
Ed Hardy perfume and cologne.
For when you don’t just want to look like a douchebag. You want to smell like one, too.
