Boyfriend: bb do you need pants? Cause I found a pair for you!

Me: What is this I don’t even.

“What is this I don’t even” is now in the running for “Official Slogan of You Want Me To Wear What.” It is the perfect verbal expression of what normally elicits stunned silence or frantic arm waving paired with temporary aphasia – which was my less-than-eloquent response to her submission.

Behold, the Floral Chiffon Pants.

Yes, shorts with a pant-length chiffon overlay, styled with a tube top for maximum wearability. These pants are perfect for those times when your legs feel like doing the Dance of the Seven Veils, or if they’re feeling a little camera-shy.

This style is apparently a Thing right now, as evidenced by Blake Lively’s Green Lantern premiere dress. Whenever I see it, I’m always reminded of the Bugs Bunny cartoon where he tricks Elmer Fudd by wearing a pink veil (although I can’t find a screenshot anywhere, which makes me think I imagined that episode – please, someone, confirm this for me).

One of the many things that are striking about these shants is how gigantic the shorts are. At first I thought they were Bermuda shorts, but then I saw that the hem fell well above the model’s knee. Upon closer examination, I realized that these shorts seem gigantic because they’re high waisted – and, it should be noted, they’re high waisted in that “low rise hasn’t been discovered yet” way, from the dark ages when waists hit at the belly button. Seriously, those are some big, early-90s looking shorts.

Oh yes, that’s a flattering look. I’m pretty sure that those are my old camp uniform shorts. On the one hand, I want to congratulate Forever 21 for their ingenuity. Of course, those shorts weren’t flattering then and they’re not flattering now. It’s not exactly shocking that a chiffon overlay doesn’t make them any better.

Also gigantic is the pants portion of this sartorial chimera. These shants have huge pant legs. The model could fit both her legs into one. I guess a wide leg is required for a style like this – you can’t exactly have skinny legged shants – but these legs seems a little excessive. I just can’t imagine walking in these with all that extra fabric flopping around with each step. They remind me of something worn around house by eccentric rich old women, which would work if these were being sold on QVC, since eccentric rich old women aren’t known for shopping at Forever 21.

I can’t actually picture these in action, to the point where I’m almost tempted to order them (for science!). The only problem is, I don’t want to tacitly endorse these shants through purchasing power.

So. New mission, guys: If you see these at a Forever 21, try them on and send me a photo or video. I need to know what these look like in real life.

On an unrelated note, I’d like to think that the model’s right hand is lower than the left because it’s weighted down by those gigantic bangles. It looks like they’re concealing a house arrest monitor or something.

Actually, that’s brilliant: house arrest monitors embellished or disguised as jewelry. With all the celebrities who end up in legal trouble, this could be a big seller. First Lindsay Lohan wears one, suddenly they’ll start showing up as a must-have accessory in In Style. The slogan can be “Lock-down never looked so good.” Alternately, “Just because you can’t leave your house doesn’t mean you should give your style a rest.”

Further googling shows that Chanel’s already been there, done that. Whatever, I’m not afraid of Karl Lagerfeld. Okay, I’m a little afraid of him, but in that “Mommy, there’s a monster under my bed and he’s silently judging me” kind of way.

Forever 21 Floral Chiffon Pant – $19.80

Well, guess what: every teen getting their driver’s permit this year doesn’t, because that’s when they were born.

If that’s not disturbing enough, the girls buying these shirts are old enough to be buying these shirts. Some of them are old enough to be drinking a 40 while wearing it.

This is not okay. It makes me feel old and sad.

Also  not okay? That this shirt might as well read, “My parents totally boned in the 90s!” Just saying.

Forever 21 90s V-Neck Tee – $12.80

But that’s not the point of this post. This tank is really just an excuse for me to ask:

What kind of insane pact with Satan/Picture of Dorian Gray shit is Stacey Dash pulling? She was 30 in Clueless. She’s 45 now. She still looks like she’s 25.

Yes, I realize many people have mentioned this before, but it’s still absolutely baffling. How is Stacey Dash not a spokeswoman for her own line of creams and serums?

I don’t care if she maintains her youthful glow by bathing in the blood of virgins and moisturizing with the tears of babies that she harvests at her very own baby farm. If she is selling bottles of baby tears on QVC, I will buy them. I will worship her as a deity, offering daily sacrifices of nose rings and Dr. Seuss hats if it means I can look half as good at 45.

Forever 21 Clueless Tank – $13.80

Do you get it? Do you? See, everyone blinks, and blinking means you like her. So everyone likes her.

OMG ROFL LMAO SO CLEVER.

Also: when did tube tops come back?

Forever 21 Blink If You Top – $12.90

He’d also be confused about why he’s in a blue box.

Do you fill them in on the history of the past 100 years, or will it just bum them out? I’d probably just hand them my 10th grade US History textbook and say “Here, go for it,” because I don’t think I can be trusted to accurately explain what caused World War I or the Depression (“So everyone in Europe made a bunch of really stupid alliances, and then one dude went and shot that guy that band is named after. Then everyone was like, “Oooh. I see now why she described our alliances as being ‘really stupid.’ Time for killing.” They killed each other for a while, a bunch of really great writers were influenced by the horror of war, and the rest of Europe thought it would be funny to make Germany its bitch, not thinking that it might be a bad idea to piss off a region where people eat nothing but beer and sausage and breed men like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, and Jimmy Stewart lost all our money and caused the Great Depression.”)

“Great news, everyone!
That Bernie fellow says he can give us a 5000% return on our investment!”

Yes, the challenge of explaining all the things we take for granted would be incredibly difficult. After all, pretty much everything the time traveler sees would be shocking and terrifying to him. However, I’d venture to guess that what would be most shocking and terrifying would be the way we dress now.

I know, it sounds like I’m just saying that because I write a fashion blog and am looking for a setup. But seriously, of the many things that change over the course of time, one of the most noticeable is fashion. I’m not alone in this belief – in Back to the Future, Marty McFly’s down vest was a running gag (unlike in the 1980s, in the 1950s people’s torsos and arms got equally cold when the weather warranted down outerwear).

The point being: one of the first things that Mr. Turn of the Century would notice is that I am wearing jeans. Once we stepped out onto the street, he would probably be scandalized by the way most women dress in Beverly Hills. He’d also be fascinated by the fact that their eyebrows don’t move and they have hypnotically large bosoms.

I’m getting sidetracked, aren’t I?

The point is: to someone from 100 years ago, we’d have a very strange way of life. At the very least, though, he’d be comforted to learn that one thing hasn’t changed: you can still buy a men’s bathing costume to preserve your modesty.

For his sanity, you probably shouldn’t tell him that these are actually for women and are meant to be worn in public.

Forever 21 Groovy Striped Romper – $12.90

Forever 21 Striped Knit Romper – $10.80

For a great post comparing Back to the Future’s expectations of technology to reality, check out this (translated) post.

You can thank Whole Foods’ for inspiring that classic bon mot.

Even if I don’t tweet hourly, I check my feed constantly. It’s only a little obsessive. But clearly, it paid off – it was during one of those many Twitter check-ins that I saw this tweet from Forever 21:

Three trends all in one can either be a very good thing or a very bad thing. The part of me that loves Forever 21 wanted it to be a good thing; the part of me that needs content for this blog was hoping it would be a train wreck.

Fortunately, it was the latter.

Behold, the acid induced fever dream of a dress that combines three trends into one simple package.

I’m sorry, did I say “simple?” I meant “jaw-droppingly garish.”

There is so much happening on this dress, I can’t look at it as a whole. No, I mean that literally: I cannot look at it as a whole because my eyes won’t focus on the dress, they just keep darting around trying to process all the individual parts. I’ve been working on this post for 20 minutes, and I keep having to look away because I’m getting eye fatigue.

Clearly, this dress needs to come with a warning label. If my only slightly astigmatic eyes are struggling to focus on an image, imagine what could happen when you put it all in motion. The undulating neon diamonds and stripes might become more than innocent bystanders can bear.

Caution: Wearing this dress on the street may pose a serious risk to the safety of others. When you walk, the patterns and colors may increase the risk of seizure.

I know, seizures are a serious medical condition and nothing to joke about, but neither is the excessive – dare I say negligent? – use of tribal patterns and neons. Although, to their credit, Forever 21 has somehow managed to make sure none of the colors on this dress clash, which is definitely an impressive feat.

Actually, I think the extreme busyness of the dress is  part of why it kind of manages to be slimming on the model. It’s not just me, right? Logically, it shouldn’t be flattering. But since the eye keeps moving around trying to find a point of focus, it’s processing only parts of the dress. Take the waist of the dress: the pink tribal strip looks like it’s her whole waist, even though there’s another inch or two.

It’s kind of (unintentionally, I’m guessing) genius. A safety hazard to the general public, but kind of genius.

Forever 21 Fitted Tribal Dress – $15.80

Since I spent most of today indoors working, I want to get out before the sun goes down completely. I totally rushed through this post and, quite frankly, it bothers me to no end – there’s no visual cohesion and there’s an odd number of items posted. But for once, I’m going to ignore my insane perfectionist instincts and just post it as-is.

So, here are five things that the warm weather makes me want to buy at Forever 21.

Left: Forever 21 Belted Jersey Knit Dress – $19.80
Center: Forever 21 Under the Sea Necklace – $7.80
Right: Forever 21 Flowery Dress with Belt – $19.80

Left: Forever 21 Leatherette Peep Toe Stilettos – $27.80
Right: Forever 21 Racerback Sublimation Top – $14.80

This is actually too absurd for me to process.

Is it awesome? Is it awful? Is it funny? Is it stupid? I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. This shirt exists because it must exist. There is no other way. This shirt is the alpha and the omega, it is all of human history, it is time itself.

When I try to analyze this shirt, I can’t even break it into pieces to discuss it. If I think about this shirt too much, my brain gets the blue screen of death and automatically performs a forced-restart.

This shirt is like the end of the universe: a concept so overwhelming, so unfathomable, that in its presence, you realize just how insignificant our brains really are.

Or, I should say, how significant our brains really yyyyaaaaarrrr.

Forever 21 Pirate Dogs Top – $14.90

Two of those three reasons – my love of clothes and my impossible-to-dress body – are what inspired my new “When I get rich” dream: that one day, when I’m super rich, I’ll be able to buy clothes that I can’t wear. I’ll have a special closet dedicated to these clothes, full of mannequins and display racks. Even if I can’t wear the clothes, I’ll be able to enjoy them. It’ll be just like collecting art, except the flouncy Forever 21 skirt’s probably not going to appreciate.

With that in mind, today’s Friday Feets is devoted to clothes I’ve found over the last week that I really want to buy but either can’t afford, can’t justify, or can’t wear.

There’s absolutely no cohesive look to any of these, which is bothering me to no end, but oh well.

Left: Forever 21 Buckled Cross-Body Bag – $19.80
Center: Old Navy Lightweight Roll-Up Shirts – $29.50
Right: J.Crew Navy Schoolboy Blazer – $188

I’m really liking this cross-body bag (which wasn’t available when I made last week’s post on the style). This might be coming home with me next time I visit a Forever 21 – which, given my frequent trips to the mall, could be as soon as this afternoon. Wearing it with this Old Navy shirt would create what the magazines always call a “military-inspired look.” Button-down shirts are a tough fit on me, but I love them and am eternally hopeful that one will fit right.

As for the J.Crew blazer, I’ve been obsessed with it for ages, and J.Crew keeps playing an evil trick on me: every time I go in, there’s always one blazer – always in my size – in the sale section. I try it on, and am shocked by how perfectly it fits. I skip happily toward the register with my new best friend. Once I get to the register, the cashier rings me up, and I am always shocked to find that the jacket is full-priced. With my head hung low, I forlornly tell the cashier that no, I won’t be buying this perfect little blazer, but please make sure it goes to a good home.

Left: Forever 21 Blossom Print Skirt – $19.80
Center: Madewell Floral Croquet Dress – $168
Right: Talbots Amour Floral Dress – $169

Things I do not wear: florals. Really, prints in general, so it’s not like I’m anti-floral, but I really don’t have a need for them. They’re a little too girly for my taste – plus, I’m always self-conscious that prints make me look “bigger.” If you look in my closet, you will find many plaid skirts, several black dresses, four pairs of Converse – but not a single floral print.

Still, with spring around the corner, I can’t help but be drawn to the feminine wiles of the floral print. The Forever 21 skirt is bright and cheery, but much too full for my body type. Madewell clothes almost universally don’t fit me right, but that doesn’t stop me from running through the store with an armful of floaty dresses and drapey tops, telling the pretty girl in the skinny jeans and layered necklaces that yes, I would love for her to start me a fitting room. Then I feel terrible, because I’m pretty sure nothing’s going to fit and this nice woman has no idea that she’s going to be stuck having to restock all the float dresses and drapey tops.

As for the Talbots dress – I don’t often use the term “romantic’ to describe a dress, but that dress is so gorgeously romantic. It’s like the French countryside in dress form

Left: TopShop Salmon Tiered Tee – $36
Center: TopShop Mustard Scallop Crop Shirt (Petite) – $50
Right: TopShop Mint Pussybow Blouse – $75

Three tops that would not work on me, but they sure are pretty. With all these tops, the colors are what really sells me on them – the colors are so springy and young. The salmon top would be great on someone a little less busty than I am – someone who wears skinny jeans and ballet flats, rather than flares and Converse. The same goes for the scallop-edged top – it’s cropped, and I have a short torso, so it’s not going on my adorably stocky frame any time soon. And for all the times I’ve made fun of Lucky Magazine for relentlessly pushing tie-neck blouses, I have to say … I would totally wear this top tucked into some wide-legged slacks or a full skirt.

Left: Forever 21 Polka Dot Dress – $27.80
Center: TopShop Grey Spot Floaty Skirt – $70
Right: Anthropologie Take Action Dress – $168

Like I said before, I don’t wear patterns. I would love to wear polka dots – they’re so damn whimsical (yes, whimsical. I said it). Of course, while I might be quirky or touched in the head, I’m not exactly whimsical. Whimsical requires a degree of lightness, a bicycle with a woven basket and giant doe eyes.

To clarify: the bicycle and doe eyes are two separate things. Because a bicycle with giant doe eyes wouldn’t be whimsical, it would be horrifying.

The point is, lots of whimsical polka dots and floaty fabrics. Things I can’t wear but would love to – I keep wanting to pick one in particular, but I can’t. All three are so perfect for what they are and the purpose they serve. Which is to say: whimsy.

Left: Asos Scallop Detail Shift Dress – $62.76
Center: TopShop Leather A-Line Skirt – $125
Right: TopShop Tangy Peach Double Storm Flap Trench Coat – $180

I love scalloped edges on clothes, and this shift dress is perfect. Granted, I try to stay away from shifts dresses and neutrals, so this dress would go in my Great Hall of Unworn Clothes. But it sure is pretty, and every time I see it I keep thinking to myself, “If only …”

I love this leather skirt – brown is so much softer than a traditional black, and definitely more versatile. You could wear this skirt every day with a different top and manage to look fresh.

Left: Asos Over the Knee Rib Socks – $7.17
Center: Asos Bow and Dot Ankle Sock – $7.17
Right: TopShop Ribbon Pelerine Knee Socks – $14

Of late, I have become slightly obsessed with socks – especially over the knee socks I can wear with boots. I love these green socks, mostly because they’re so decidedly … green. I’d even go so far as to say they’re unrelentingly green. That’s a dedication to garishness that I can really get behind. The exact opposite of these green socks is these grey socks that can only be described as … sweet. With the open knit, the bow, and the rich grey, it feels like something you’d see on a first-season minion on Gossip Girl.

This month’s Lucky has a feature on fashion rules you should be breaking (the new Lucky is amazing, by the way). One of those rules is “no socks with sandals.” Of course, they leave out some crucial details of the original edict: when someone says “no socks with sandals,” they mean “no white crew socks with a worn-out pair of Birks.” They don’t mean “no adorable polka dot socks with cool t-strap platforms.” This is one of those trends I can’t pull off – even with freakishly long legs, I’m still short and stocky – but I love seeing it in editorials.

Left: Forever 21 Leatherette Peep Toe Heels – $28.80
Center: TopShop Luminate Grey Ankle Strap High Heeled Sandals – $145
Right:Talbots Ankle Strap Leather Platforms – $169

Speaking of sandals and socks … any of these three would pair happily with some cute socks (in an editorial, anyway). I’ve been trying to find a way to work these Forever 21 heels into a Friday Feets for a while. I really like the cutouts and the stacked heel – the whole shoe feels summery and sophisticated, a style that I am currently lacking in my shoe collection. These Talbots heels are the classier, dressy night out version of the Forever 21 shoes. I included these TopShop shoes because they’re different from the ones I normally post. They’re a little too structural for me, but they’re different, and the colors remind me of the best show ever, Miami Vice. Also, they have velcro straps, which could lead to hours and hours of very satisfying ripping and re-sticking.

Hey, look, I managed to complete a Friday Feets on time! Yay, me. I’m going to go celebrate, hope you guys have a good weekend, and thanks for reading!

And yet, despite the hardships faced by others, American designers continue to flaunt our fabric surplus with harem pants.

Look at them. They’re the sartorial equivalent of a competitive eating tournament. The excesses are disgusting – when so many go without, we overindulge to the point where our pants no longer resemble pants. The model appears to have a very bad case of low-hanging camel toe, or maybe a rare strain of elephantiasis. The crotch of these pants is hanging down around mid-shin, and the designers felt this was a perfectly reasonable fashion choice.

Classic American arrogance.

Pants like these could clothe eight children or four adults. Yes, just a few pairs of these could solve the clothing epidemic raging through developing nations. And yet here we are, a nation of pants whose crotches are roomy enough to store a laptop. Our drawers may be droopy, but our closets are full.

For shame, America. For shame.

Forever 21 Splatter Print Harem Pants – $29