From Paleolithic cave drawings to Egyptian statuary, from Peruvian pottery to Roman frescoes, images of fertility and copulation have a long and storied history in mankind’s artistic development. - Dr. Jacques Humperdink, A Clinical Analysis of Pornographic Imagery

In keeping with this long and storied tradition, here’s a ring with two bears going at it. Should you choose to wear this ring, I suggest you steer clear of playgrounds. Inevitably, a small child will ask you what’s on your ring, then ask their mother to buy them a ring with the bears hugging from behind.

Also, avoid zoos, because you don’t want to over-excite the bears.

I want to buy several dozen of these and bury them in various locations with burnt offerings and pottery shards, so that one day archaeologists will think we all worshiped a bear fertility goddess.

Thanks to Amy Goudreau for posting this on the fanpage. Had she not posted it, I would have continued to live in blissful ignorance, unaware that you can wear ursine erotic on your hand.

Verameat Hibernation Hump Ring – $68

Check out Verameat’s website. It’s only 3% bear porn, and 97% awesome and creative pendants and rings, including but not limited to a Loch Ness monster necklace.

Another reader contribution from over a month ago, because my turnaround time sucks. So it is with much delay that I post this find from Nicole. As she said,

Some guy-clothing love, or … not love. More like ridicule. Who wears these?! In a parade, sure, but … seriously, guys.

I am thrilled to say that for once, I can actually answer a reader’s question. Who wears these shorts? The answer is simple.

Hipsters and the bros who love them.

Yes, these shorts (and their matching pants and jacket) represent one of the commonalities between bros and hipsters. In truth, the two species are not all that dissimilar. They both love beer, groom excessively before going out, and get great joy out of wearing things ironically (although bros don’t realize they’re being ironic – they just think their Cookie Monster hat is funny because it’s for kids, bro). I can’t prove it, but I think that if you gave a hipster steroids, he would turn into a bro.

So when Betabrand describes their shorts, here’s how they do it:

Betabrand knows that not all sports take themselves super-seriously. And not all athletes are steel-muscled mutants who require extreme performance clothing made from space-age polymers, the kind designed to repel a wolverine attack in a sub-zero hurricane.

See? Perfect for hipsters and bros. Hipsters love not being “steel-muscled mutants.” No matter how widespread their influence, hipsters love seeing themselves as the scrappy, runty underdog. And there’s nothing a hipster loves more than the random, slightly hyperbolic, pairing of nouns. The only thing that could make this description more hipstery is if they were zombie wolverines attacking a sub-zero hurricane made out of bacon.

The wolverine line appeals to bros as well, because as I mentioned before, even if they don’t realize it’s ironic, they understand that incongruous and hyperbolic things are funny. Also, wolverines are totally awesome, bro.

Except when they are chasing you because they are drawn to your shiny shorts.

As if that weren’t proof enough, check out some of the highlights from a section of the page titled, “Are Disco Sport Shorts the Right Shorts For You?” The questions alternate between hipster and bro.

ARE DISCO SPORT SHORTS THE RIGHT SHORTS FOR YOU?
If you answer “yes” to any of the following questions, then yes they are!

• Does the name of your softball team involve a high level of sexual innuendo?
• Are the end zones of your flag-football field marked by beer bottles and articles of clothing?
• Are your Ultimate games often interrupted by wandering children, dogs, or hobos?
• Do the perils of your soccer matches include pantsing, mooning, and hanging brain?

Maybe it’s an LA thing, but it seems like there are several hipster softball teams terrorizing Little League fields these days. I’m not sure what an “Ultimate” game is, but I’m guessing it’s “Ultimate Frisbee,” which was played by both  hippies and proto-hipsters. So that covers the hipster demographic about as succinctly as possible without asking questions like, “Were you totally into Mumford and Sons before they sold out?” and “Do you buy women’s pants because men’s aren’t tight enough?”

As for the bros, I think the the flag-football and soccer questions cover them. An end zone marked by beer bottles and clothing sounds like a scene straight out of an Abercombie catalogue. The soccer question … well, is it just me, or is everything bros do tinged with a slight air of homoeroticism? Because a soccer game involving “pantsing, mooning, and hanging brain” sounds like the right level of awkwardly homoerotic subtext for an activity involving a passel of bros.

“Hey, bro. I was just hanging here with my shiny pants, vintage car, and girlfriend who’s a Bjork impersonator.
Y’know, as one does.”

Reading the descriptions of other items in the “Disco” family, the site is definitely aiming more for hipsters than for bros – the tongue-in-cheek absurdism is reminiscent of Groupon’s “Voice”. Even still, it’s safe to say that the product descriptions will lure in unsuspecting bros, much like a tuna trawler inadvertently catching a pod of dolphins.

Of course, should any potential buyer see this photo while surfing the site, they are under a strict moral obligation to not buy those shorts.

Normally I don’t care if people buy a product, but this picture should dissuade anyone with a soul from buying any of the Disco items. I don’t even have that much of a problem with absurdly shiny clothing. I do, however, have a problem with this photo.

If you see this photo and still buy one of the Disco products, you are tacitly endorsing tooliness. Look at that face. That expression. You know what it’s saying?

“One small step for tools. One giant leap for utter douchery.”

Betabrand Discolab Shorts, Pants, Jacket and Hoodie – $60-$225

Edited to add: When I saw my dad the day after posting this, he said: “That was a funny post yesterday. But why didn’t you comment on the guy’s bulge?”

My dad just made this post 89% more awesome.

Over the past year, I have devoted more time and energy to Hot Topic than I have in my entire life. Clearly, reader Melissa Nemirovsky felt I hadn’t devoted enough brain cells to this former temple-of-darkness-turned-shrine-of-Bieber, because she was considerate enough to post this jumper on the fanpage.

Yes, jumper. And when I say “jumper,” I mean it in the traditional elementary school sense. Because nothing screams “counterculture” quite like elementary school uniforms.

Oh, and there’s a panda’s face on it. I should probably mention that little detail, because if I didn’t give you fair warning, you’d be caught completely offguard by the fact that the model’s chest can make eye contact.

Yes, you can Fight The Man by wearing a pinafore bearing the face of the most cuddly inbred racoons in all the land. Take a stand against cultural conventions with the only mammal too stupid to mate but apparently smart enough to don formal wear.

On a practical level, this dress is wildly unflattering. Despite what every fashion magazine in the world says, empire waists are not universally flattering. According to myth and legend, empire waists were designed to hide a woman’s pregnant stomach; in truth, I think empire waists were designed to hide a pregnant woman’s stomach by making everyone who wears an empire waist look pregnant.

Unless an empire waist is perfectly fitted, it’s hard not to look a little bit pregnant in an empire waist dress or top. As for this dress, I have a hunch that the dress is not perfectly fitted. Even if it were, the banded hem is going to make all the fabric billow out anyway in that always flattering manner reminiscent of when I was eight and I would pull my oversized sweatshirt down to my knees to make it look like a dress (don’t judge me, you did it too).

The site’s description claims it adds a “distinctly casual feel.” That’s one point I’m not going to argue with: there are few things more distinctly casual than wearing your “I’m PMSing and bloated” hoodie in public.

But most importantly, as I mentioned earlier, this dress has eyes. In fact, it has eyes, a nose, and a fancy little bowtie. All it’s missing is a little top hat and this panda will be ready for its front row tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

Seriously, how did this polyester-blend abomination come to exist? Did the designer feel that a plain jumper needed a little je ne sais quoi in the form of strategically placed button eyes? Or did the designer looked around the Junior’s section of Macy*s one day and realize that there just weren’t enough superfluous panda faces on clothes?

Either way, how did no one at any point stop and ask themselves, “Is Gap Kids for Goth Teens really the direction we want to be taking our brand?”

Hot Topic Black and White Button Strap Panda Dress – $39.50 *Sold out because I take forever to post*

These were sent to me by Jes Christenberry, by way of her boyfriend. Said Jes, “I don’t know how he found them, all I know is that they are pretty terrible.” She included this exchange:

Boyfriend: bb do you need pants? Cause I found a pair for you!

Me: What is this I don’t even.

“What is this I don’t even” is now in the running for “Official Slogan of You Want Me To Wear What.” It is the perfect verbal expression of what normally elicits stunned silence or frantic arm waving paired with temporary aphasia – which was my less-than-eloquent response to her submission.

Behold, the Floral Chiffon Pants.

Yes, shorts with a pant-length chiffon overlay, styled with a tube top for maximum wearability. These pants are perfect for those times when your legs feel like doing the Dance of the Seven Veils, or if they’re feeling a little camera-shy.

This style is apparently a Thing right now, as evidenced by Blake Lively’s Green Lantern premiere dress. Whenever I see it, I’m always reminded of the Bugs Bunny cartoon where he tricks Elmer Fudd by wearing a pink veil (although I can’t find a screenshot anywhere, which makes me think I imagined that episode – please, someone, confirm this for me).

One of the many things that are striking about these shants is how gigantic the shorts are. At first I thought they were Bermuda shorts, but then I saw that the hem fell well above the model’s knee. Upon closer examination, I realized that these shorts seem gigantic because they’re high waisted – and, it should be noted, they’re high waisted in that “low rise hasn’t been discovered yet” way, from the dark ages when waists hit at the belly button. Seriously, those are some big, early-90s looking shorts.

Oh yes, that’s a flattering look. I’m pretty sure that those are my old camp uniform shorts. On the one hand, I want to congratulate Forever 21 for their ingenuity. Of course, those shorts weren’t flattering then and they’re not flattering now. It’s not exactly shocking that a chiffon overlay doesn’t make them any better.

Also gigantic is the pants portion of this sartorial chimera. These shants have huge pant legs. The model could fit both her legs into one. I guess a wide leg is required for a style like this – you can’t exactly have skinny legged shants – but these legs seems a little excessive. I just can’t imagine walking in these with all that extra fabric flopping around with each step. They remind me of something worn around house by eccentric rich old women, which would work if these were being sold on QVC, since eccentric rich old women aren’t known for shopping at Forever 21.

I can’t actually picture these in action, to the point where I’m almost tempted to order them (for science!). The only problem is, I don’t want to tacitly endorse these shants through purchasing power.

So. New mission, guys: If you see these at a Forever 21, try them on and send me a photo or video. I need to know what these look like in real life.

On an unrelated note, I’d like to think that the model’s right hand is lower than the left because it’s weighted down by those gigantic bangles. It looks like they’re concealing a house arrest monitor or something.

Actually, that’s brilliant: house arrest monitors embellished or disguised as jewelry. With all the celebrities who end up in legal trouble, this could be a big seller. First Lindsay Lohan wears one, suddenly they’ll start showing up as a must-have accessory in In Style. The slogan can be “Lock-down never looked so good.” Alternately, “Just because you can’t leave your house doesn’t mean you should give your style a rest.”

Further googling shows that Chanel’s already been there, done that. Whatever, I’m not afraid of Karl Lagerfeld. Okay, I’m a little afraid of him, but in that “Mommy, there’s a monster under my bed and he’s silently judging me” kind of way.

Forever 21 Floral Chiffon Pant – $19.80

This was sent to me by my friend Sarah, a faithful reader and absurdly talented writer. Her skill is evident in the brief but incisive commentary she included in her email.

WTF?

This is the ModCloth Happily Ever Crafter Tank. It’s a delightful mélange of floral patterns and a napkin folded into a fan. Sure, it’s a bit schizophrenic, and the fan makes the whole thing look asymmetrical, but it’s perfect for hiding figure flaws like a defined waist or a taut torso.

The best part is, it’s totally green: all the fabric is recycled from costumes used in community theater productions of “Little House on the Prairie.”

It’s currently out of stock, but if you get on the waiting list, there’s always a chance that it will return like a phoenix from the ashes of a pile of floral scraps.

ModCloth Happily Ever Crafter Tank – $44.99

I was originally going to add this model to the ModLOL collection, but I couldn’t figure out a way to properly LOL-speak her. That’s when I realized: maybe I was going in the wrong direction. Maybe she wasn’t a ModLol at all. Maybe that gaze into the distance had a deeper pathos than the usual happy-go-lucky ModLols.

Instead, I decided to caption her.

Robert promised her that his extensive Taylor Swift album and memorabilia collection meant nothing, but Elaine still suspected that he had other reasons for being with her.

Or:

Saundra never expected that her severe myopia would result in a lucrative career as a Taylor Swift impersonator. The money was too good to turn down, but she couldn’t quiet the nagging fear that she was slowly losing herself to the woman she pretended to be every day. Some nights – when it was very dark and still – she would lie awake, wondering where Saundra ended and Taylor began.

If you have a caption, post it in the comments section and I’ll repost it here.
ModCloth Eye Want Candy Glasses – $11.99 (sold out)

This was posted on the fanpage by Jac last week, when I couldn’t find anything to post. Said Jac …

It’s like 1970s wood panelling for your body.

First and foremost, I’d like to take issue with the ModCloth Naming Committee’s choice for this swimsuit. They went with “Daiquiris on the Deck One Piece,” which is confusing given that there are no daiquiris to be found. I guess the daiquiri is supposed to be the red belt, and the deck is your flank? It’s just a little too suggestive of body shots for my taste. I figured they’d at least include a pun, like “Wood-n’t It Be Nice One Piece” or maybe “Against the Grain One Piece.” Either of those would be more indicative of what the swimsuit actually looks like.

This bathing suit is revolutionary. Never before has there been a swimsuit that doubles as camouflage. Imagine all the fun you could have: lying on a hardwood floor in wait, poised to spring up and startle an unsuspecting victim. At camp and you don’t want to go swimming in the lake? Just throw this on and stand next to your cabin – no on will suspect a thing. Spying on your crush? Just sneak out to his front yard and stand in front of a tree. Just don’t forget to remove the belt – wood isn’t known to accessorize, so the bright red belt might be a giveaway.

Even if you decide not to go with the camouflage angle, this swimsuit is perfect for a “Sexy Station Wagon Siding” Halloween costume.

ModCloth Daiquiris on the Deck One Piece – $121.99

Have you found something that makes you ask, “You want me to wear what?” Post it on the fanpage or mail it to me using the “Talk Back” tab.

These were sent in by Sonja from ages ago. As Sonja put it:

Here’s a pair of ugly shoes for you. These shoes seem very aptly named, don’t they? They look like an art project I would have done in the second grade.

The second graders at Irregular Choice had a kind of cool basic idea: a fabric flower design on the heels is that perfectly quirky touch that a pair of ModCloth heels needs.

Unfortunately, these shoes fall victim to a common problem found in the artistic endeavors of the seven-and-under set: that if some is good, more is totally awesome.

I was familiar with modern artists like Pollack, so to me there was little craft in creating art. Truth be told, the difference between a Jackson Pollack and anything I created in my art class is that Pollack knew when to stop. I, on the other hand, did not. I was sure that the more things I put on an arts and crafts project, the better it would be. If a little glitter was good, covering the paper in glue and then pouring out the entire bottle of glitter obviously made it worthy of hanging in the Louvre. Garnish with a couple pipe cleaners and you were faced with a work so majestic, so perfect, that to look at it was to look at the face of God.

As a result, many of my crafts collapsed under their own weight, because construction paper is not meant to support a pint of glue and glitter.

Somehow, these shoes manage to support themselves. Although this is a feat of engineering, it’s not near impressive enough to forgive the fact that it looks like what would happen if you took “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day” a little too seriously.

ModCloth Irregular Choice Words Can’t Express Heel – $137.99

Tarren posted this about a month ago on the fanpage … astonishingly, it’s still available.

Said Tarren:

Oh, wow! This is on sale! I wonder why?! I also wonder where the hell the models nipples are!

As Tyra would say, you have to make sacrifices if you want to make it as a Top Model. Whether it’s widening the gap in your teeth or undergoing a bleach job so traumatic that you get scalp blisters and a flesh-eating bacteria, your success as a model is directly proportionate to the amount of pain you’re willing to experience in the name of modeling. Obviously, this model is looking at a wildly successful future given her willingness to have vital protrusions removed for the sake of aesthetics.

Nasty Gal Giorgio di Sant’Angelo Cutout Bodysuit – $104

(yes, this is one of those times where I’ve reused the joke from a comment – I just liked it too damn much to let it languish on the fanpage)

Here’s a crazy thought: if you plan on selling a shirt with a slogan at your nationwide chain, you should probably be sure that you’ve got a firm grasp of basic English.

I’m going to take this as a teachable moment for the Youth of America (all of whom read my blog):

“Your” is a possessive statement. “You’re“ is short for “You are” and suggests a state of existence.

I’m almost positive they meant to write “you’re.” As in, “If you are single, so am I.”

It is not “your” as in “If your single proofreader missed this, you need to fire him or her.”

Even if you fix this glaring error, you’re still stuck with a remarkably uninspired statement. What does “If you’re single, so am I” mean, exactly? The “you’re” in question is directed at whomever happens to read the shirt at any point in time – which, at this moment, means it’s directed at  you, me, and the whopping 40 return visitors this site gets every day. Shouldn’t we be teaching the Youth of America to have some standards? Then again, we’re not teaching them basic grammar skills, so I guess dating standards aren’t really a top priority.

I’m just saying, be a little more selective. Anyone can read this shirt. If they’re single, it might be for a very good reason.

I’m not even suggesting we throw out the t-shirt – just modify it a little. Maybe it could read,  “If you like classic rock and are single, so am I,” or “If you love sushi and are single, so am I.” If dating sites require 29 dimensions of compatibility, shouldn’t your t-shirt at least ask for one common interest before you declare yourself open for business?

Then again, that is asking a lot from a t-shirt that is gramatically one cat picture away from a LOLcat.

Thanks to Holly for bringing this one to my attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit on my porch and yell at the kids to get off my lawn while talking about how in my day, we knew the difference between “they’re,” “there,” and “their.”

Wet Seal Your Single Tunic – $16.80