We are fortunate enough to live in a time when not one, but two great discoveries in the field of body language have been made within a span of 3 years. One of the few great contemporary minds in the field, Tyra Banks, revolutionized the study of body language when she discovered the smize in 2009. This is, of course, a feat which has gone woefully under-acknowledged – where is her prize, Nobel committee?

As I said, we are living in a time when two great discoveries have been made. The second, and possible the most revolutionary, has been made by the design team of J.Crew.

It has been dubbed “Floobing,” short for “Flirting With Your Boobs,” and it has profoundly changed physical communication.

In the past, if a woman saw a cute guy at the beach, her ability to convey sexual interest was hindered by the ever-present sunglasses worn by most beach-goers. With this bikini top, it becomes easy for a wearer’s cleavage to shoot come-hither glances from beneath long lashes. Your bosoms will be flirtier than Fifi the Slutty Feather Duster.

And she is one flirty bitch.

If you’ve ever felt that your cleavage lacked a certain something – a certain coy girlishness, maybe – then this is the bikini top for you. Just be careful how you use your newfound ability to floob. Researchers still do not know or understand the full extent of the power of the floob. Remember: with great floobing comes great responsibility.

Alternately: This is what happens when you spill Latisse on your favorite bathing suit.

Alternately: Martha’s newest crafts project involves a fun and flirty way to reuse old coffee filters!

J. Crew Ruffle Underwire Bikini Top – $24.99-$34.99

I’ve spent countless hours staring at blinking cursors, writing and rewriting a sentence to make a joke work, waiting anxiously for feedback from friends and anonymous readers. Days, months, years spent on a craft that I hoped would one day result in dozens of successful scripts and my very own Scrooge McDuck-style swimming pool of gold coins.

But, having spent some time on the ShopBop site, I think it’s safe to say that it’s official: I’m definitely in the wrong line of work.

All that time spent slaving over a hot computer and I could have been buying bathmats at Target for $14.99, then reselling them for $1,500 on ShopBop.

I know, it seems pricey, but just think about it this way: buy one of these skirts and you won’t have to spend another dime on towels. Given how ineffective public restroom hand dryers are, I think we can all agree that a wearable towel is definitely worth $1,500.

ShopBop Ellery Versatile Ruffled Shade Skirt – $1,500

I was trying to understand imaginary numbers (they’re not even real! They’re the Harvey the Rabbit of math) when I glanced up at the screen. It was a quick glance, a fleeting glance, just long enough for me to process that the model was wearing an absurdly short skirt.

I looked back down at my notes, then paused – that was a really short skirt.

With caution and dread, I took another look. It wasn’t a skirt. It was a pair of ruffled shorts. Because if there’s one complaint most women have about shorts, it’s that they’re just too flattering.

From behind, these remind me of those little swim suits with built-in skirts – you know, the ones that your great aunt wore to her water aerobics class at the YMCA, before the chlorine started to make her gout act up.

Or, on the other end of the spectrum, the ruffles create a look reminiscent of Sally Draper’s cupcake dresses.

These shorts are perfect if you’re trying to look creepily adolescent, matronly, or just bulky. How versatile. I love it when you can get different looks from one article of clothing.

Forever 21 Ruffle Layer Shorts – $16.90

After a remarkably cold and wet October, November has been unseasonably warm, much to my disappointment. But today is overcast and a storm is predicted for the weekend, so I’m just going to pretend that it’s officially winter.

IT’S WINTER. YAAAAAAAAY.

To celebrate, today’s theme is …

I’m trying a slightly different format today, let me know what you think.

Left: Aerie Fair Isle Convertible Mittens – $15.50

Right: Merona Cashmere Flip Top Gloves – $19.99

Convertible gloves (or “glittens”) are amazing. Even when you’re wearing gloves, your fingertips are kind of useless. Maybe I’m just not as skilled as some, but texting becomes almost impossible for me when I’m wearing gloves. These solve that problem. Plus, when they’re in mitten form, they’re perfect for snowballs.

Left: Mossimo Studded Trim Leather Gloves – $22.99

Right: Anthropologie Alva Gloves – $38

I don’t normally go for embellishments on gloves, but I love both of these options. The studded trim on the leather gloves add a nice bit of rock to what are otherwise pretty standard black gloves. Hands down though, the details on the Anthropologie gloves are my favorite. They look pretty and dainty, like they’re some amazing thrift store find. If you told me you had made these yourself using your grandmother’s jewelry, I would believe you (up until I made my weekly pilgrimage to Anthropologie, at which point I would send you a picture of one and say someone must have looted your grandmother’s jewelry box).

Left: Kate Spade Right Left Mittens – $65

Right: J. Crew Cashmere Lined Leather Gloves – $98

As someone who still occasionally has to make two Ls with her thumb and index fingers in order to remember which way is left, I appreciate these mittens. I especially appreciate that the text is on the palm, so I can covertly sneak a peek when I’m confused.

As for the J. Crew gloves, everyone needs a pair of leather, cashmere lined gloves. They are wonderful and warm. They’re my grownup gloves – the gloves I wear when I ask myself, “Would my grandmother scold me for wearing glittens to this?” and the answer is “Yes.” J.Crew’s are really nice, come in several colors, and are just under $100. Maybe not a purchase you make for yourself, but it’s worth hinting at for a stocking stuffer.

Like I said, new format for today’s post. Do you like it, or was the other way fine? I know it’s a slight tweak, but I’m trying to decide if one looks a little neater and more user-friendly than the other. Either way, have a good weekend and thanks for reading!

I used to love F21, and still kind of do, but not nearly as much since becoming a fan of your blog. Props … I guess …?

Here’s the thing about Forever 21 – when they’re good, they’re amazing. When they’re bad, it’s almost epic. In a weird bit of timing, I had planned to do this post yesterday with a different lead-in, but the hotel’s internet collection makes dial-up seem zippy. I’m up crazy early this morning (7:30 am), so the wifi’s not too sluggish and I can actually post.

So that they may be pleased and the gods of shopping smile upon me, I’m going to offer Forever 21 my unemployment check as a sacrifice. Here’s a bunch of stuff I plan on buying (or, in the case of the jersey dress, have bought), from Forever 21.

I love jersey surplice dresses. They’re so damn easy – I’ve worn this the last couple nights to dinner, and it’s crazy comfortable. The jersey’s really, really soft. I’ll be honest, if not for the fact that my brother would have made fun of me, I probably would have worn it to sleep.

I’ve been flirting with the Sequin Dress with Keyhole Back from Alice+Olivia for ages now. This is pretty much an exact knockoff of the now-retired black version. The biggest difference is about $450.

Again, a dress very similar to a designer dress I loved but couldn’t afford – this time, the Domino dress by Diane Von Furstenberg (Cameron Diaz wore a pink version in What Happens In Vegas – I’ve never seen the movie, so I have no clue why I would know this).

It’s a sparkly miniskirt. Enough said.

This has a very J.Crew feel to it, with the pintucked ruffles along the neckline. It might not work with my chest, but it’s cute enough to try.

With the volume of clothing Forever 21 turns out, it’s inevitable that they’ll have a lot of crap. But I will say this: the stuff that’s good is unbelievable. I’ve bought dresses from them that have lasted a good two years now, with frequent wear. Most of my basic t-shirts are from there, and they’ve lasted for ages.

Point is: Elise, don’t lose hope. Wait two weeks – odds are, they’ll have entirely new stock with at least five things you’ll love.

Forever 21 Fab Jersey Surplice Dress – $12.50

Forever 21 Peep Hole Sequin Dress – $27.80

Forever 21 Classic Double-Knit Dress – $17.80

Forever 21 Glamorous Banded Skirt – $19.80

Forever 21 Ruffled Pintuck Top – $14.80

I really, really like this skirt. It wouldn’t work on me, but it’s really cute. The pleating in front doesn’t look overwhelming, and it works with the cut of the skirt. It’s got a nice vintage-y feel to it. All in all, it fits right in with my almost obsessive love of Mad Men.

ModCloth Ascending Aspirations Skirt – $39.99

Personally, I think it’s a much more accurate description than the one from the GoJane site:

Be in a flirty and playful mood all day long. This moody denim skirt is flowing with rufle tiers in that dye wash everybody loves.

“That dye wash everybody loves?” I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to read: “that dye wash everybody loves to hate,” because that is the only way the sentence could make sense.

Then again, they spelled “rufle” with one “f”, so making sense might not be at the top of their list of priorities. Unless, of course, it was intentional. Maybe the Coalition of Ruffles didn’t want to be associated with this and refused to give this skirt permission to use their name.

And yes, a Coalition of Ruffles is a more likely scenario than “that dye wash everybody loves.”

GoJane Moody Tiered Denim Skirt – $24.50

Just flail your torso back and forth and your arm ruffles will flare out majestically. The fluttering blue and yellow around your shoulders will let everyone know that you’re a true Bruin.

Plus, the shapeless torso, open neck, and elasticized hem are perfect place to store tailgating supplies. And who doesn’t love it when lack of form creates function?

I’m just disappointed this doesn’t come in more color combinations. I know Victoria Secret’s Pink line of college gear hasn’t done well, but I have a feeling this will fly off the shelves.

ModCloth Orientation Week Top – $39.99

I mean, yes, it looks like it would wrinkle like crazy. And it could just be the picture, but it looks like the fabric pulls in a lot of places. And I’m guessing that ruffle embellishment on the front would only make my hips look wider.

But damn if I don’t love it anyway. If it were a color other than cream, I would own it already.

Oh, ModCloth. Why must you insist on torturing me with dresses I want to buy when I have absolutely no occasions for which to wear them?

ModCloth I Dreamt I Was An Architect Dress – $74.99

I don’t know if it’s the texture of the dress, or the color, or the fact that the sleeves kind of remind me of ears. It’s obviously some combination of the three. But regardless, every time I look at that dress, I see this:

Or, at least, I see their pelts. Which apparently retail for about $250.

Topshop Ruffle Dress – $250