Super cute boots, right? Little wedge heels, a Bottega Veneta-esque basket weave along the sides, and the leather’s a great transition color for spring and fall.

You’re probably pretty invested in these boots now, right? These could be the boots you’ve been searching for. You want to see the front of these absolutely adorable boots.

Except, you don’t. Trust me.

Because they’re not boots. They’re a horrifying sandal/boot hybrid, perfect for those of you who have claustrophobic toes and perpetually cold calves, otherwise known as “Sweatyfeetclammycalfitis.”

Jeffrey Campbell’s shoes can be pretty out there, but these are just beyond. How does he think of this stuff? What made him look at a pair of riding boots and think, “Those would make adorable sandals?”

I can only hope that these were originally intended to be boots, but the sketches were sent to the manufacturer before they were completed – like in those Marshalls commercials where everyone in the fashion industry is apparently incapable of ordering the right amount of product.

That’s the explanation I’m going with, because otherwise these are just nonsensical hybrids that exist purely for the sake of creating “edgy” but hideously impractical shoes.

In other words, just your average pair of Jeffrey Campbells.

Jeffrey Campbell Kasa Lace Up Sandal – $188

There’s been a lot of press recently about Jessica Simpson’s wildly successful foray into fashion. Given that the press always has to have an ongoing narrative for celebrities (Jennifer Aniston is sad and alone, Katie Holmes is being held hostage  by Scientology), it’s not surprising that the press’s attitude regarding Jessica’s success is akin to “Awwww, the dog thinks it can play piano … holy shit, he’s playing ‘Flight of the Bumblebee.’” Because, y’know, Jessica’s a dumb blonde. Still. After all these years.

If anything, she’s a very good example of why you don’t agree to say stupid scripted lines in your ill-conceived reality show.

But I digress.

The point is, my imaginary friend Jessica (in my head, she and I go to Cracker Barrel once ever month to eat biscuits and talk about boys) – you know what, let me just start that sentence over again, because I’m totally sidetracked with the whole “Cracker Barrel” thing. That place is magical, and if there were any in Southern California, I would probably weigh 800 pounds.

…

I’m having a really tough time staying on-topic today. Okay, focusing. Jessica Simpson’s line is really successful, and although I’ve covered it in the past, I felt that the recent spate of press (and the new season) warrants revisiting Jessica Simpson’s line. So, without further ado, I present today’s theme …

Left: Jessica Simpson Acadia Heels – $79.95
Center: Jessica Simpson Massi Heels – $89
Right: Jessica Simpson Ely Heels – $98.95

Bright, glossy heels with platforms? Yes, please. The Acadia heels come in a number of neutral shades, but the real standout is this bright pink (dare I say … honeysuckle?). It’s a springy color and suited for either a sundress or a pair of jeans. The Massi heels aren’t my favorite because of the spiked heel, but the lemony color and reptile texture have won me over. I wouldn’t wear them, but if I saw them on someone else, I’d immediately ask where they bought them (something I do all the time, with mixed results – sometimes people are flattered, sometimes they look like they regret not carrying pepper spray). I mentioned the Ely heel in my weather-baiting Friday Feets from a few weeks ago, but these are a rich eggplant color and therefore totally different and worth purchasing.

Left: Jessica Simpson Esis Flat – $27.49
Center: Jessica Simpson Matini Flat – $59
Right: Jessica Simpson Brook Platform Heels – $89

These are the “respectable” shoes – the ones you can wear to work. When I started Friday Feets, I tried to always include a few pairs of flats for the heel-adverse out there. Lately, I’ve been slacking off; I’d like to think that these gorgeous pointy-toed flats and the simple but elegant silver ballet slippers make up for my negligence. The Brook platforms have that perfect mix of youth and seriousness that makes for a good work shoe. And, again, that snakeskin gives the shoe a nice texture and makes it feel less heavy than just a plain brown platform.

Left: Jessica Simpson Genno Flat – $37.95
Center: Jessica Simpson Danniy Wedge – $79.95
Right: Jessica Simpson Christa Platform Sandal – $89

It wouldn’t be a Friday Feets post if I didn’t throw in a few metal accents, would it? I like the metallics with these two neutral flats – it’s a little more earthy and modern than the usual black/silver pairing, which always feels kind of 80s rock to me (which, of course, is why I love it). I’m still not sold on the gladiator sandal, but the little wedge does give a nice little lift that makes up for the otherwise chunky proportions of the gladiator. I threw the black heels in because, while they’re not my style, black platform sandals like these do have a purpose. Actually, I might actually go for these if I had a pair of dark jeans and a really great pedicure.

Left: Jessica Simpson Garden Party Linear Earrings – $35
Center: Jessica Simpson Unbalanced Nature Reef Bracelet – $40
Right: Jessica Simpson Unbalanced Nature Pendant Necklace – $45

I didn’t realize she had a jewelry line, but I had to feature these pieces. After my recent spate of jewelry posts, it shouldn’t comes as a surprise that these are the three I picked – organic shapes and a little chunky. I’m nothing if not predictable. I really love coral and gold together, though, and the necklace and earrings are no exception. As for the bracelet, I’m kind of shocked I don’t already own it.

Left: Jessica Simpson Premier Dome Satchel – $59.95
Center: Jessica Simpson Cypress East West Satchel – $89.99
Right: Jessica Simpson Sasha Double Handle Bag – $108

And finally, handbags. I love bright handbags – for starters, I find that bright colors tend to look less “cheap” when they’re pleather than black or brown bags. They also seem to wear better (especially yellow – chips never seem to show). All three of these bags come in great shapes and colors. Granted, the real test is how they look and feel in person, but when you’re window-shopping online, these three definitely stand out.

Well, that was a very delayed Friday Feets. I actually cut it short – I was originally going to feature some Jessica Simpson dresses as well, but honestly, it would have just taken too much damn time. Maybe I’ll post more this week – either way, definitely check out her line.

And Jess, if you’re reading this, call me. We can take a road trip to the nearest Cracker Barrel and talk about this whole “vegan fiancé” thing.

DV by Dolce Vita David Ankle Strap Sandal – $19.95

I’ll be honest, I’m not sold on the brightly colored rhinestones. But when a pair of gladiator sandals are marked down from $79.95 to $19.95, it kind of doesn’t matter, does it? That’s an awesome price for a shoe with real leather.

DV by Dolce Vita Calvin Flat – $43.97 – 79.95

I really need to buy flats, and these are calling my name like a Siren perched on the rocky shores of credit card debt.

DV by Dolce Vita Spank – $88.87

I am not meant to wear booties, and this makes me sad. I learned this the other day when I tried on a pair at Coach.

When an employee who very likely works off commission looks at your feet and goes, “Oh. Hm. Well, they’re … hm,” that’s probably a sign you shouldn’t wear booties.

If I could wear booties, though, I’d buy these. The lighter neutral color lessens the risk of giving you that hoof-y look, and the heel’s just high enough to give you lift, while still being low enough to give you stability in slick and wet weather.

Dolce Vita Beam Snakeskin Pump – $165

The rounded toe offsets the risk of cheesiness that can come with a snakeskin stiletto. Instead of reminding me of something I’d snag out of a Real Housewife’s closet, they feel young and wearable.

Dolce Vita Tavi Jeweled Suede Pump – $185

Shiiiiinnnnyyyyyyyy.

Dolce Vita Julian Tall Lug-Sole Boots – $202.99

It’s rainy and miserable outside right now. If I owned these boots, I could wear heels without running the risk of slipping and falling.

Dolce Vita Jewel Stud Platform Pump – $215

Remember how I was all, “shiiiiinnnnyyyyy” before? Yeah, that x10000. I need black heels, and should probably get a basic pair, but how can I do that when I know that these are out there, waiting to go to a good home like mine?

Speaking of feets, have you entered the 1,500 Fan Giveaway? Probably not. If your feet are cold like mine are right now, you’ll love a pair of those feet comforters.

Thanks for reading, guys! Have a good weekend.

And they’re less than $7. Yeah, I’m totally buying these to wear around the house while singing the Monster Feet song. It hasn’t been written yet, but I’m guessing the chorus will just be my singing “I have fluffy monster feet!” over and over again while chasing after my dog.

Forever 21 Fluffy Thong Slippers – $6.80

I’m still on a quest to find shorts – I’ve owned all of four pairs since I was 16 – but in the meantime, I’ve been entertaining myself by looking at summery footwear.

So, today’s theme is …

Chairman Kaga especially enjoys the trapeze classes.

BC Footwear Oh Sailor Sandal – $36.06

I really like these and I don’t know why. In my head, someone else is wearing them - someone who is distinctly more artsy, more grounded, more scarf-tied-around-her-headish. Or I imagine these shoes on the girls I see walking Robertson, who somehow manage to be effortless and stylish – girls who can wear cutoff jean bermuda shorts and not look butch.

These aren’t shoes I’d normally gravitate toward, but I really like them, I guess because I associate them with so much that’s the opposite of who I am. It makes them exotic, despite being totally unexotic.

Oh, and they received really good reviews on Endless.com.

Seychelles Get Outta Town Flat – $62.36-79.95

Simple and dressy. The last few nights have been warm; if I bothered to dress up, I’d wear these with a lightweight dress and would feel very pretty and girly – right up until that  first time I trip, which inevitably happens when I make the mistake of thinking I’m graceful. Seriously, I don’t know why my feet want to take me down a peg, but apparently they have real issues with my putting on airs.

FitFlop Oasis Sandal – $39.95-$49.95

No, really. Go with me here.

I’ve been trying to find a way to write about these for a while. I don’t know or care if they tone your legs or strengthen your thighs or bake you a gourmet cake in the dream kitchen they built for you with their own hands. Those aren’t the reason why you should own these. You should own these because they are remarkably comfortable.

They don’t come in half sizes, which can take some adjusting to. But once you’re used to it, these are the most comfortable flip flops ever. And all because of one simple thing:

They have arch support.

Yes. Arch support. For your arches. Like real shoes. Which, if you have weird high arches like mine, is magical. These are now my go-to shoes for when I’m too lazy to put on Converse. Yes, it’s possible to be that lazy.

They’re not particularly attractive shoes, but they’re comfortable and I can walk in them. My dog now knows that, if I put on those  flip flops, he is going outside. Or I am just checking the mail and am a cruel tease. One of the two. But the point is, these are now my go-to “I have to run outside for a few minutes” or “I don’t feel like tying laces” shoes.

And so ends another week. I’ll be back on Monday, provided I survive shopping for shorts.

However, I’m an LA native and am therefore devoted to any and all of our teams. In celebration of the Lakers’ epic victory, and at the risk of losing all my Boston readers, today’s Friday Feets is all about the purple and gold.

Steve Madden Saahara Sandals – $49.95

I’m not a big fan of the flat-soled sandals, as they seem really uncomfortable. I do, however, love the vivid purple with the gold buckles. I probably wouldn’t have posted it if not for the theme, but the more I look at it, the more I like it.

DV by Dolce Vita Hazel Flat – $65.66

Dolce Vita is amazing. Plain and simple. I love the cutouts along the sides – it’s light, it’s summery, it’s perfect to wear when you go downtown for the Laker parade on Monday.

Nine West Escher Pump – $69.95

Unlike the Saahara sandals, I would have posted these regardless of the theme. I would have found an excuse to post them, because I really like them. The reptile pattern isn’t overwhelming. It has a wood heel. The yellow looks great with the wood heel. And, inexplicably, they remind me of summer evenings in New York. I don’t know what that means, but they just do.

Of course, if you want to be really obnoxious, you can custom design a pair of Converse. Here’s one I just whipped up:

Converse Custom Chuck Taylors – $62

I call it the Lakeshoe.

You can even have things stitched on the back or the sides. You’re only allowed a maximum of 12 characters, so there’s not much room to gloat, but you’re a creative bunch.

If you thought this post was obnoxious, you’ better hope the Dodgers don’t win the World Series (not that it’s likely, but still). Because while I can take or leave basketball, I love the Dodgers.

Who, coincidentally, are playing the Red Sox tonights. Sorry Boston readers, but …

GO BLUE!

I can’t take the credit for discovering these – Sonja found them and emailed them to me via that super-cool new “talk back” tab. And, as she put it:

I found this lovely pair of jellies. The straps are elastic, the sole is plastic, and the guy at DSW claims that they’re scented. The pink ones are, allegedly, strawberry scented. (I’m not sure about that).

Scented shoes. How is this not already a thing? I hope that the blue ones are blueberry scented, and the black ones smell like black licorice, just like those Mr. Sketch markers.

As for the rest of the shoe, I certainly never though of combining jellies with gladiator sandals – but then again, I never thought of scented shoes, either, so clearly I’m not a shoe innovator. Bu the real stroke of genius is having elastic straps. Everyone knows the least comfortable part of wearing jellies is how they rub against feet. Depending on how tight these elastic straps are, there’s a chance the shoes won’t even budge as you walk. Granted, they also might cut off circulation to your feet, but that’s a small price to pay, right?

The only downside is, since they have elastic, you can’t just hose them down like with other jellies. This is unfortunate, given that jellies don’t breathe particularly well.

I guess that’s where the scent comes in – with a light fruit smell, people won’t be asking, “Ugh, is that smell your shoes?” Instead they’ll be saying with delight, “Oh, is that smell your shoes?”

They’re normally $50, but they’re a steal over at DSW for only $35. Of course, in this transaction, I’m not sure who’s stealing from whom.

Zigi Soho Gellin Sandal – $50 $34.95

Somehow, I don’t think that these are the answers.

Just to be clear: yes, these are $500+ heels that look like a Nike store just threw up on them.

The thing that makes me sad is, I can totally see women wearing this with workout gear, on their way to Cardio Strip Yoga.

DSquared Hiking Sandals – $595
DSquared Hiking Platform Pumps – $640

I will say this, though: the soles are so flat, my arches hurt just looking at them.

Sigerson Morrison Bracelet Flat Suede Sandals with Back Zip – $395

According to the ModCloth website:

For the fierce, iconic supermodel in all of us, these chic sandals by 80%20 show the world you’re ready for anything!

It’s true – these sandals perfectly convey “I’m ready for anything – I can even MacGyver a pair of shoes out of scraps of suede, leather, and a wooden plank.”

And now, I’ll be singing the MacGruber theme song all night, except with these lyrics:

MacModel!
Making questionable footwear out of excess bits of fabric.
MacModel!
Wearing them with jumpsuits because Lucky said it looks good.
MacModel!
I question her sartorial judgement.
MacModel!

ModCloth Model Logic Sandal – $114.99