Posts Tagged ‘The Hardest Working Model at ModCloth’
I should not be posting this dress.
It’s a perfectly nice dress. Not my style, but I don’t hate it. Even the giant rosette isn’t that offensive to me. In fact, if not for the following picture, this dress never would have made it onto the blog.
Only Forever 21 would look at this dress and think, “Oh, hey, you know what would totally sell this? A giant bow perched atop the model’s head like a moth trying to nest.”
The bow is larger than the model’s head. I don’t even think I’m exaggerating here – it appears to be as large, if not larger, than the head upon which it is perched. I’m not even sure how the photographer fit both the bow and the model into this shot. The fact that the model’s head is still upright is a testament to the strength of her neck muscles.
Yes, it’s an absurdly sized bow that mere mortals cannot make work. In all my months of blogging, there is only one who has worn the giant bow and escaped unscathed.
Behold the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth, in the image that earned her the title. Her cool, steely confidence radiates from her. It wilts the bow atop her head as she forces it into submission. Hers is a power wielded by only a select few, an ancient magic that we may never fully understand.
So learn from her, Forever 21 model. You will be faced with such absurd accessories time and again if you continue to model for them. Your only hope is to find the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth and beg her to let you join the Model Monastery, where you can work toward your own Accessory Enlightenment.
Forever 21 Radiant Spiral Rosette Dress – $27.80
More often than not, I check my email on my Blackberry. As a result, images don’t show up in most emails.
I am so glad that today I checked it on my computer for a change, because this is the promotional image ModCloth sent out.
Congratulations, Hardest Working Model at ModCloth! You look so summer-y with your straw hat, jellies and chick lit novel (I’m guessing; the cover kind of looks chick lit-ish). And those shorts are … something. High waisted, bunching up through the front, with a narrow leg opening. It’s just more proof that the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth has an almost superhuman ability to wear even the most unflattering articles of clothing.
Has she been tested for performance enhancing substances? Is it even possible for models to juice? I’m not trying to cast aspersions on her good name, but it doesn’t seem possible that someone can wear this outfit and still look effortless.
It’s been two months since last we checked in with The Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. This is no fault of her own – she’s continued to sell the unsellable, even as her efforts have gone unrecognized by this blog.
But no more. No more, I say.
I’m sorry, Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. It’s not you; I’ve just been distracted. That’s the only excuse I can offer as to why I haven’t posted this necklace … thing … until now.
It, much like the giant floppy head bow, is a testament to your unique talents.
This is a human harness. You just attach a rope to the back and suddenly your towing capacity dramatically increases.
But, despite the odds – against all logic, against all reason – you make this work, in that magical way you have.
You make an accessory that turns ordinary people into beasts of burden look not only dignified, but regal.
ModCloth Tier After Tier Body Necklace – $109.99
When I think of “summer,” I think of:
- - hot days
- - the beach
- - sand
- - swimming
- - velvet
Oh, wait. No, I don’t.
And yet, somehow, the Hardest Working Model At Modcloth makes it work. She makes the impossible possible. Not because she wants to, but because she can’t help it. Her mere presence is enough.
ModCloth Bathing Beauty One Piece in Blue Velvet – $89.99
This isn’t a post about a particular item. It’s more of a general question.
Is orange eyeliner going to be a thing? Because I really, really am not a fan. It makes even the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth look kind of like she has Zombie-Jaundice, a disease that manifests itself in skin discoloration and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.
This is unfortunate, because as we’ve seen many times, she does not have Zombie-Jaundice. She has very nice skin, perfectly normal eyelids, and as far as I can tell, no overwhelming desire to eat brains.
And, more importantly, if that’s what orange eyeliner is doing to the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth – a girl who has pulled off both a comically tiny hat and a giant floppy bow, what would it do to the eyelids of us mere mortals?
ModCloth But Enough A-Bow Me Hair Clip – $13.99
Somtimes, I’m presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.
I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don’t know what to say.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn’t, in the words of my friend Sarah, “look like a scene from Vietnam.”
In case you’re not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she’s been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.
It’s as if she’s saying to us, “Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don’t care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down.”
I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I’ll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward “pony?”
To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y’know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don’t, because I wouldn’t wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.
I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren’t models). Because, if there’s one body part you want to texturize, it’s the butt. Women are always saying to themselves “My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance.” Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I’m so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.
Look, I’m not saying these aren’t original. They are. They’re very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn’t always mean “good.”
ModCloth Twilight Flight Swimsuit – $169.99
ModCloth Ride the Wave Swimsuit – $169.99
