Remember that one time when Comedy Central gave Dave Chappelle twenty billion dollars and their firstborn to keep being brilliant and funny, and then he sort of cracked under the pressure and went to South Africa, and everyone thought he had gone crazy but it turns out he was just kind of over it, and also maybe kind of a dick?

Yeah, that’s what happened to me over the last couple weeks. Except I didn’t flee to South Africa. I mostly just watched The 90s Are All That, Pretty Little Liars, and Ancient Aliens. Also, I didn’t get a lucrative contract from Comedy Central, but I did get a major case of writer’s block that happened to coincide with the second (!) anniversary of the blog (happy birthday from a week ago, blog. You don’t get cake this year, just shame).

Anyway, for those of you who noticed my absence, I’m not dead or hiding in South Africa or recovering from “exhaustion” at Promises in Malibu. I was just being really lazy and letting a bad case of writer’s block get the best of me.

But that’s done (for now, anyway). In celebration of my conquering general malaise, (alternately: General Malaise, the head of the Doldrum Army), I’ve asked an old friend of the blog to help me announce my triumphant return to the keyboard.

Indeed we are, Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. Indeed we are.

Although, Hardest Working Model is a rare sight at ModCloth these days. ModCloth, where has she been lately? I am not nearly as enamored with your other models. It’s not that they’re bad. It’s just that, other than the HWMaM, the occasional ModLol, and Blasé Moddle, the models are definitely not standing out the way a ModCloth model should. I demand more Hardest Working Model at ModCloth – not only because I find her mix of serenity and attitude to be fascinating, but because your site really needs models like her.

I mean, come on. If you are seriously going to try to convince people to buy these Jeffrey Campbell eyesores -

- you absolutely, without a doubt, need to post more than just a bunch of pictures of the shoe. I don’t need six different angles to figure out that these booties are inspired by fumigation tents. No, what I need to see is an actual person wearing these, partly because I refuse to believe that these are real. I need to see how you think we should style these monstrosities. And I need to see it on someone I trust – a model with a strong, confident gaze, who is able to wear fumigation tents on her feet and random hoods on her head. ModCloth, you need the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. The two of you belong together, like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lifetime, The Network For Women.

Don’t fight it, ModCloth. Run to the Hardest Working Model At ModCloth’s front door, stand in the rain outside her window holding a boombox, then tell her that she completes you. Just do it, ModCloth. Fall is rapidly approaching, and I really don’t know if I can handle the style insanity that comes from a season change without her.

ModCloth Unisexy Sunglasses – $11.99

ModCloth Sidelines Bootie – $191.99

There has been a serious void in the ModCloth universe of late. Over the past few months, appearances of the Hardest Working Model At ModCloth have been scarce. Once upon a time, you would have been hard-pressed to find anyone else on ModCloth wearing a tiny hat or giant bow. But lately, it seems that her serene smile and effortless confidence have been replaced by ModLols.

Honestly, I was concerned. What fate had befallen our harness-clad heroine? Where had our headdress-wearing savior gone?

My fears were assuaged yesterday, when I came across this clue in ModCloth’s new arrivals section.

It seems that the Hardest Working Model At ModCloth may have been more than just a model. Her ability to wear the unwearable has always struck me as being superhuman. Could it be that, much like Wonder Woman herself, the Hardest Working Model At ModCloth was imbued with her powers by the Gods themselves?

While I can’t confirm this theory, it would explain why she’s wearing a toga. I can’t imagine why else ModCloth would be selling this dress – there can’t be that high of a demand for togas, given that toga parties have fallen out of favor with the rise of Pimps N’ Hos parties. And this toga costs $160, which seems a little high for something that you can make out of bedsheets.

The only explanation is that ModCloth is trying to hint at something. Obviously, they can’t just come out and say that the Hardest Working Model At ModCloth has returned to her ancient homeland of Modelympia. To reveal the existence of such a place could be disastrous for its peaceful inhabitants. Once word got out, Modelympia would be overrun by fortune seekers and models hoping to uncover the secrets of that magical realm.

To assuage our fears, the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth left behind a hint at where she was going. I choose not to think of it as a clue, but as a promise. The promise that she will return from Modelympia, more powerful than before, and again shoulder the burden of selling the unsellable.

Godspeed, Hardest Working Model At ModCloth. Godspeed.

ModCloth Greek Chic Dress – $159.99

I don’t like to compare and contrast; every model has their own look and style. So, whenever I do a model post, I spend way too much time worrying about whether or not I’ll be hurting the feeling of other models.

God, I’m neurotic.

I’ve included this preamble because Many months ago, the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth modeled a comically small hat, showcasing her unique ability to give something truly absurd an air of dignity.

We see something similar again, this time being worn by the ModLol. The hat is slightly larger – it’s affixed to the head with a headband, not a bobbypin – but it doesn’t have quite the same gravitas when worn by the ModLol.

ModCloth Hats in the Belfry Fascinator – $34.99

I should not be posting this dress.

It’s a perfectly nice dress. Not my style, but I don’t hate it. Even the giant rosette isn’t that offensive to me. In fact, if not for the following picture, this dress never would have made it onto the blog.

Only Forever 21 would look at this dress and think, “Oh, hey, you know what would totally sell this? A giant bow perched atop the model’s head like a moth trying to nest.”

The bow is larger than the model’s head. I don’t even think I’m exaggerating here – it appears to be as large, if not larger, than the head upon which it is perched. I’m not even sure how the photographer fit both the bow and the model into this shot. The fact that the model’s head is still upright is a testament to the strength of her neck muscles.

Yes, it’s an absurdly sized bow that mere mortals cannot make work. In all my months of blogging, there is only one who has worn the giant bow and escaped unscathed.

Behold the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth, in the image that earned her the title. Her cool, steely confidence radiates from her. It wilts the bow atop her head as she forces it into submission. Hers is a power wielded by only a select few, an ancient magic that we may never fully understand.

So learn from her, Forever 21 model. You will be faced with such absurd accessories time and again if you continue to model for them. Your only hope is to find the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth and beg her to let you join the Model Monastery, where you can work toward your own Accessory Enlightenment.

Forever 21 Radiant Spiral Rosette Dress – $27.80

More often than not, I check my email on my Blackberry. As a result, images don’t show up in most emails.

I am so glad that today I checked  it on my computer for a change, because this is the promotional image ModCloth sent out.

Congratulations, Hardest Working Model at ModCloth! You look so summer-y with your straw hat, jellies and chick lit novel (I’m guessing; the cover kind of looks chick lit-ish). And those shorts are … something. High waisted, bunching up through the front, with a narrow leg opening. It’s just more proof that the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth has an almost superhuman ability to wear even the most unflattering articles of clothing.

Has she been tested for performance enhancing substances? Is it even possible for models to juice? I’m not trying to cast aspersions on her good name, but it doesn’t seem possible that someone can wear this outfit and still look effortless.

ModCloth Summer Advertisement

It’s been two months since last we checked in with The Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. This is no fault of her own – she’s continued to sell the unsellable, even as her efforts have gone unrecognized by this blog.

But no more. No more, I say.

I’m sorry, Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. It’s not you; I’ve just been distracted. That’s the only excuse I can offer as to why I haven’t posted this necklace … thing … until now.

It, much like the giant floppy head bow, is a testament to your unique talents.

This is a human harness. You just attach a rope to the back and suddenly your towing capacity dramatically increases.

But, despite the odds – against all logic, against all reason –  you make this work, in that magical way you have.

You make an accessory that turns ordinary people into beasts of burden look not only dignified, but regal.

ModCloth Tier After Tier Body Necklace – $109.99

When I think of “summer,” I think of:

• - hot days
• - the beach
• - sand
• - swimming
• - velvet

Oh, wait. No, I don’t.

And yet, somehow, the Hardest Working Model At Modcloth makes it work. She makes the impossible possible.  Not because she wants to, but because she can’t help it. Her mere presence is enough.

ModCloth Bathing Beauty One Piece in Blue Velvet – $89.99

This isn’t a post about a particular item. It’s more of a general question.

Is orange eyeliner going to be a thing? Because I really, really am not a fan. It makes even the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth look kind of like she has Zombie-Jaundice, a disease that manifests itself in skin discoloration and an overwhelming desire to eat brains.

This is unfortunate, because as we’ve seen many times, she does not have Zombie-Jaundice. She has very nice skin, perfectly normal eyelids, and as far as I can tell, no overwhelming desire to eat brains.

And, more importantly, if that’s what orange eyeliner is doing to the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth – a girl who has pulled off both a comically tiny hat and a giant floppy bow, what would it do to the eyelids of us mere mortals?

ModCloth But Enough A-Bow Me Hair Clip – $13.99

Somtimes, I’m presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.

I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don’t know what to say.

Maybe it’s just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn’t, in the words of my friend Sarah, “look like a scene from Vietnam.”

In case you’re not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she’s been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.

It’s as if she’s saying to us, “Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don’t care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down.”

I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I’ll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward “pony?”

To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y’know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don’t, because I wouldn’t wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.

I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren’t models). Because, if there’s one body part you want to texturize, it’s the butt. Women are always saying to themselves “My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance.” Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I’m so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.

Look, I’m not saying these aren’t original. They are. They’re very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn’t always mean “good.”

ModCloth Twilight Flight Swimsuit – $169.99
ModCloth Ride the Wave Swimsuit – $169.99

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The Google AdSense Team

I woke up this morning to an email from Google telling me my AdSense account has been suspended. AdSense was the way I had planned on getting revenue from the site (and, over the last five months, it’s earned me about $40 from your ad clicks – I’ll never see the check now, but I really appreciate that you guys clicked the ads).

I appealed the decision, but this was the response they sent me. So, that sucks. Anyone know any other advertising services I can use?

Here’s the thing I want to stress: this blog is meant in good humor. I wouldn’t post about any of these sites if I didn’t surf them regularly because I like their clothes. I’ve posted repeatedly about stuff I like. As several of my friends can attest to, I was downright giddy when I saw ModCloth had commented for the first time, because I have nothing but respect for the people who work there – even if I do post about them a lot.

And I do. I post about them regularly, because I’m on their site all the time. If I weren’t unemployed and sharing a tiny closet with a guy who owns more clothes than I do, I’d be buying frilly dresses from them.

I know I’m not the only one, either. And I know that at least a couple of you have started going to ModCloth because I’ve posted about it here. I’m guessing that, when I post about a terrible shirt at Forever 21, at least a handful of you head over there and end up surfing through the site, because no press is bad press.

I’m not saying the clothes spontaneously combust; I’m not saying the retailers overcharge. I’m just saying that sometimes, they sell ugly clothes. I doubt that anyone here has not bought something I’ve posted, purely because I posted it. And if you have – well, I’m shocked that I have that much power over someone, because no one should ever listen to me about anything.

I’m just frustrated, because the last thing I want is to be considered malicious. By taking away my AdSense account, that’s what Google’s decided I am, and that kind of sucks. They also banned my account on my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All. So, like I said before: anyone know a good advertising service?

I don’t write the thing for ad revenue, I write it because people actually read it. It just sucks because it feels like the blog was picking up steam, and now it’s just been kicked in the shins.

Thanks for reading. Seriously.

- Amanda