Did you know that there are children in Asia who don’t own pants? Yes, there are thousands – maybe millions – of children who go pantsless every single day.

And yet, despite the hardships faced by others, American designers continue to flaunt our fabric surplus with harem pants.

Look at them. They’re the sartorial equivalent of a competitive eating tournament. The excesses are disgusting – when so many go without, we overindulge to the point where our pants no longer resemble pants. The model appears to have a very bad case of low-hanging camel toe, or maybe a rare strain of elephantiasis. The crotch of these pants is hanging down around mid-shin, and the designers felt this was a perfectly reasonable fashion choice.

Classic American arrogance.

Pants like these could clothe eight children or four adults. Yes, just a few pairs of these could solve the clothing epidemic raging through developing nations. And yet here we are, a nation of pants whose crotches are roomy enough to store a laptop. Our drawers may be droopy, but our closets are full.

For shame, America. For shame.

Forever 21 Splatter Print Harem Pants – $29

The title comes from Ariel‘s description of this skirt:

Personally, I think it’s a much more accurate description than the one from the GoJane site:

Be in a flirty and playful mood all day long. This moody denim skirt is flowing with rufle tiers in that dye wash everybody loves.

“That dye wash everybody loves?” I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to read: “that dye wash everybody loves to hate,” because that is the only way the sentence could make sense.

Then again, they spelled “rufle” with one “f”, so making sense might not be at the top of their list of priorities. Unless, of course, it was intentional. Maybe the Coalition of Ruffles didn’t want to be associated with this and refused to give this skirt permission to use their name.

And yes, a Coalition of Ruffles is a more likely scenario than “that dye wash everybody loves.”

GoJane Moody Tiered Denim Skirt – $24.50

I’ve often sung the praises of the ModCloth hat model, the hardest working model they have. She normalizes even the most absurd hats with a serene look and an impressive dose of smize.

If models are superheroes, then I think this model is her arch-nemesis.

This is Crazy Eyes the eDress Me Model. Her superpower is a stare that burrows deep into your soul and scares the crap out of you.

No, seriously. That is the unblinking stare of the unbalanced. I can’t even focus on the dress she’s wearing, because I’m afraid to look away. Although, does she draw her powers from the giant headband wrapped around her forehead? That’s the only reasonable explanation I can find for why she’s wearing a giant headband with most of the dresses.

Oh, thank god, she’s finally looked away. This dress actually isn’t too bad; the first one appears to be the worst of the three. But it’s really hard to get to past the crazy eyes to actually examine the dresses. This is one of those cases where the model just takes away from the dress, because she’s so totally the focus of the pictures.

And now I’m kind of afraid she’s going to come after me. On the up side, I have enough guy friends who are drawn to the crazy that I can probably distract her with a good-looking hipster.

Oh no, she’s looking back at me, and she doesn’t seem happy. Hi, Model With Totally Sane Eyes. I like your bandannas. And your penchant for dramatic poses. Big fan. Really.

Ok, I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I can’t lie. The only things crazier than your eyes are the poses you strike in those dresses. Hell, that first dress is less crazy-looking than you are, and it’s a tie-dyed kimono.

Congratulations. You’re crazier than a tie-dyed kimono. That takes a lot of work. Although, in your case, you make it look effortless.

Alberto Makali Tye Dyed Kimono Dress – $197
Alberto Makali Red Cocktail Dress – $219
Alberto Makali Abstract Print Cocktail Dress – $248
Alberto Makali Print Blouse – $98

Yeah, sure they’re being sold as separates.

But let’s be honest here: if you’re going to wear tie-dyed velvet, you might as well go all-out and wear a tie-dyed velvet suit, right?

Betsey Johnson Tye Dye Velvet Jacket – $248
Betsey Johnson Tye Dye Velvet Leggings – $98

Hey, remember how, up until a few years ago, people used to laugh about how awful their clothes were in the 80s?

Man, those were some good times. I miss those days. Back then, Guess never would have described these jeans with the following: “Revive the vinyl, teased hair and ripped tees ubiquitous to ’80s style and slip into GUESS’ retro skinny jeans.”

Clearly, all the hairspray from the teased hair has gotten to the Guess designers. That’s the only explanation for why they would ever think that faded grey jeans with a black pattern down the outer thighs would be flattering or appealing.

Peg-legged jeans sound like so much fun, until you see them. Then you realize that they have nothing to do with pirates, and you’ve been fooled again.

What, that doesn’t happen to you? It’s just me? Well, damn. The description says these jeans “evoke rocker-chic.” Look, I’m not going to argue the relative merits of rocker-ness here. However, I would suggest that it’s less “rocker-chic” and more “rocker who just woke up from a weekend-long bender.” I know they’re supposed to look like they’ve seen better days, but that doesn’t mean you need to as well.

As for these? If I wanted to look like I spilled bleach all over my jeans, I would have done just that. But I have the good sense to recognize that the marbling effect, paired with the skin-tight jeans, will look hideous on me.

Like I said, there was a time when we made fun of bad 80s fashions. How did designers convince us that we should relive it, but with a bigger price tag?

Guess Verona Skinny Jeans in Zebra Wash – $98
J Brand Tie-Dyed Skinny Jeans in Oz Wash – $198
Paige Premium Denim “Skyline Drive” 10″ Peg-Legged Jeans in Heavy Metal Wash – $249

I have gone on record with my distaste for tie-dyed pants. And yet, Modcloth continues to taunt me.

From the description: “In neutral grey and white, you can pair with a blouse in any color of the rainbow for a totally boho ensemble that Jerry is sure to love!”

You want to know why Jerry would love these? Because he’s dead, and we all know zombies have no fashion sense. Next time you want to sell me on clothing, maybe don’t suggest that it would be favored by an undead stoner. Thanks.

ModCloth The Grey-ful Dead Pants – $47.99

Okay, guys, seriously, I have a question: is this something we’re doing now?

Because, really, I can’t do it. I can’t. This is tie-dyed denim. TIE-DYED. BLEACHED. DENIM.

Starting with these offerings from Modcloth – first of all, I thought skinny jeans weren’t supposed to make you look thigh-heavy. And yet, these manage to because they are an unflattering rise, way too skinny, and also TIE-DYED. With a random blue splotch on the pocket, making it look like you left your Uniball uncapped in your pocket.

The LEAST OFFENSIVE of these options comes from Topshop. THE LEAST. This skirt could almost pass for wearable, and these shorts don’t look all that marble bleached – more just selectively faded. But that doesn’t change the fact that these are all marble bleached denim.

And these are marble bleached black denim. One of which is a vest. A denim vest. That is marble bleached. And sleeveless. When paired with the skirt, it makes quite the Texas Tuxedo. Is the matching mullet sold separately?

White Lightning Skinny Jeans – $49.99
Modcloth White Lightning Shorts – $34.99
Topshop Tie Dye Denim Pelmet Skirt – $50
Topshop Marble Bleach Frayed Hotpants – $55
Topshop Denim Shirt by Boutique – $100
Topshop High Waisted Denim Mini Skirt – $55

The geology nerd in me loves this skirt because it reminds me of a piece of marble or granite with a mineral vein running through it.

The clothing buyer in me hates it because, while that’s a very pretty look for a rock, it’s not particularly attractive as an article of clothing.

Topshop Tie Dye Beaded Pelmet Skirt – $100